Last weekend, I really couldn’t be bothered altering all the clocks in the house, so I’ve decided to just watch ITV + 1 for the next six months....
This is the year is 2185. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. Nobody can remember where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
I’m desperately trying not eat all the sweets I bought to give out to the kids on Halloween, or I'll have to hand out OXO cubes again. Last year, I was a laughing stock!
Every Halloween, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been out of bounds since 2001.
"Some call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love" The Barista at Costa Coffee sez: "I'll just put Austin then..."
The missus phoned me and she was incandescent with rage. “I’ve found out you’ve been seeing another woman, you cheating swine. I’m leaving you and going to my sisters.” “Okay “I replied. “I’ll see you when you get here...”
It has finally been proven that Greta Thunberg is making an immense difference to climate change. This is because every time she appears on the telly, over two million people switch off. Moreover, Liverpool FC fans are helping climate change too, primarily because they use public transport to get to an away game and then drive home.
Non-Stick Nora reckons that I possess two major faults. The first is that I don’t listen to anything anybody says and the second one is summat else....
Diane Abbott was on BBC News yesterday and reminded everyone that on the 36th of Octember, the clocks go sideways...
I gave the consultant permission to switch off the life support machine, should the mother-in-laws condition deteriorate. He curtly informed me that it’s not an option for a sprained ankle....
Thought for Thursday: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire lane of cars teams up to prevent some heretic from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers, Mottram is ours!
It takes me exactly six minutes to get from my house to The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, up Scropton Street. However, it takes twenty two minutes to get back home. The distance frankly, is staggering!
Thought for Thursday: If you see a fork in the road, take it...
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!
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