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Monday, 18 February 2019

Valentines Day....

                                       

I'll always fondly recollect what my granddad said to me just before he kicked the bucket. He sez: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"



I went to the doctors yesterday and after a thorough examination, she reckons that I might have contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.



Popped into my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night and they had a faith healer on. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!

                                   

Non-Stick Nora was most upset. She was a virtual prisoner. She just sat there squirming, her legs bound together and her hands tied behind her back. She never would get the hang of knitting.



Went into our village phone box to make a call, only to find the phone had been replaced with a defibrillator - I did get a shock!



Just got the results of my depression test. They came back negative.



In the maternity ward, the nurse came up to the patient and declared: "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" "Thank you, that's a great idea." The patient replied. "But we've already picked a name."


                                   

Popped into the chemist yesterday and I purchased a tube of anti-gloating cream. I really can't wait to rub it in. Winning isn’t everything. Winning, then gloating, then rubbing their noses in it. That’s everything!



Yesterday, I was on the phone to Npower arguing about my bill, when I sez to the missus "Nip into the garage with a pen and paper, and write down what it says on the meter"

She returned a minute later and passed me a piece of paper that read: "Danger! High Voltage"


                                           

I was walking the dogs around Tintwistle reservoirs and I distinctly heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid cretin, albeit in Morse code. I reckon that migrating birds should be denied entry back into the UK in the spring following Brexit.



It was with great sadness that I had to have my cat put down, last week. The vet’s fees were quite expensive and cost me a considerable sum. Nine times he had to inject it!

                             




Big Chief Sitting Bull and his wife Lying Cow made love on a bed of horse hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his second wife on a bed of buffalo hide and she bore him two sons. He made love to his third wife on a bed of hippopotamus hide and she brought into the world FOUR sons! So it just goes to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.



                                 


Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid time wasters. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Tuesday, 12 February 2019

RIP Gordon Banks.



Gordon Banks RIP - What an absolute legend of a keeper he was during his tenure between the sticks at Leicester, Stoke City and for England. So saddened to hear of his passing. I recall his days as a player and as a spokesperson for ‘The Beautiful Game’; something he saw in football during his heydays. As a commentator he would never pull punches but was also very fair in his assessment of a game. As a World Cup winner he was very humble and yet proud of his (and his fellows) achievements. To this day England have never had a keeper of his ability. God rest you Banksie (the original one).

Anton G Lang.

Sunday, 10 February 2019

The snouts in the EU trough...

                                       


It's getting worse. In the cereal aisle of the local supermarket they are now selling Readybrexit. Better still, at the butchers, they’ve got Irish Backstop bacon!


The missus sez, "You're so lazy! What have you got planned for Valentines Day?" I replied, "I think I'll take the Christmas tree and the decorations down..."

Donald Tusk and the rest of the snouts in the EU trough are very broadminded; they're always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.

                               

What with all this gender gubbins going on, spare a thought for folk like me, who were born ‘Transfinancial’. I’m a very wealthy person, who was born into a poor person’s body. I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.



Fascinating Fact: A group of wolves is called a "pack". A group of teenagers is called a "whatever."

                                                       



This morning, in order to alleviate boredom and monotony, sit in your car wearing sunglasses and point a hairdryer at oncoming vehicles. See if they slow down...

                                                               

If 75% of all accidents happen within five miles of home, why not move six miles away?

                                                         


Non-Stick Nora phoned Barmy Albert and declared: "I'm really proud of you for turning up at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night.”. Albert replied: "Ah, so that's where I was!"



Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a manner that they look forward to the trip.

                                           


Slack Alice runs the local Weight Watchers group and it's her job to weigh and measure the members. She calls herself a 'Diet Progress Manager'.I call her a Chubby Checker.

                                           


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

“How old was your husband?” “98”' she replied. “He was two years older than me”

“So you're 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded: “Yes, it’s hardly worth me going home, is it?” “And what do you think is the best thing about being 96?” the undertaker asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure....”



Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old blunderbuss firearm and a tattered gamekeepers pouch. Duncan Bannatyne sez: "And what is your idea?" Scouser replies: "It's a very simple concept Duncan, just put all that money in this bag"...



Someone whacked me over the cranium with a power tool. I was sat there minding me own business, then Bosch!
                                         



I got a very strange phone call, yesterday "Hello, Mr Knight. This is the Official Receivers Office. I sez: "Are you winding me up?"



Punctuation is very important. For instance: There's a Maypole dancer. This could be misinterpreted as: Theresa May, pole dancer.


                                   



The biggest mistake people make in life is worrying what everyone else thinks. Don’t make that mistake! Now, what do you think of my website? It’s all chortles and hilarious banter thereabouts! So why not guffaw a laugh, by clicking on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Thursday, 7 February 2019

Aphorism: A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation:

                       

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.


16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than in a Ford.

19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

                         








Saturday, 2 February 2019

Brexit in a nutshell...

                                  


Last week, Theresa May was given a mandate by Parliament to go back to the EU and be told to 'effoff' in 27 different languages. In a nutshell, Brexit is: The undefined, being negotiated by the unprepared, in order to get the unspecified for the uninformed. So, now you know!



The snow was so thick here last week! I asked a snowman about the amendment votes on Brexit and the Irish Backstop situation and he just stared at me....



It was minus 4 degrees last Thursday. The missus came back in and I asked her what she’d been up to outside. She sez: “I’ve been scraping the car.” I replied: “Against what?”

That’s when the fight started. Talk about a frosty-faced reception!



Yes folks, it's official! I have the BEST gas, electricity and phone bills on our street. All three companies have written to me and told me they are outstanding.

                                     


Remember when I told you that I’ve started believing in the hereafter and whenever I run upstairs I think “What have I come up here after?” I’m not bragging, but yesterday, I went upstairs and actually remembered the reason why I went into that room! It was the bathroom, but hey, it’s a start!



I told the missus that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.



Never put all your eggs in one basket? Yeah right! Nice try, basket manufacturers...



I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

                                                


I reckon that the bloke who dreamed up the word Wednesday, must have had summat to do with the word February as well. I wonder if he came from Cholmondely? Was his missus called Siobhan? Answers on a coastguard please....



Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street in Gungy Gertie’s cafeteria and the waitress sez: "Would you like anything on your chips?" "Does it cost extra?" enquired Albert. "Ten pence" replied the waitress. "Okay then” sniffed Albert, “I'll have three hot dogs and a meat and spud pie ."



Old Jokes Home: This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

                                               


My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late and that no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!