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Sunday, 13 January 2019

Elf & Safety Gubbins...

                                


Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, as I passed the abattoir, I spied a van. The lettering on it said: Robert and Robert - Painters and Decorators. I thought, that sounds like a two Bob outfit to me...



Remember the times before health and safety regulations? Back then it was called common sense. We kids would never have played conkers, if we had to wear a pair of welder’s goggles. We’d have taken up welding or summat.



Barmy Albert keeps saying to me: "Cheer up; it could be hell of a lot worse than it is. You could be stuck deep underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.



Last weekend, I saw an incredibly loud Abba tribute band in the Trafford Centre.

You could hear the drums from Nando’s....



I’ve just walked out of the supermarket and they’re already selling mince pies for next Christmas! Not only that, but the sell by date is next week! It’s a total disgrace!
                                                   



Non-Stick Nora: " Barmy Albert has a habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it?" Doctor: "Give him the opportunity to speak when he is awake."



Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"
                                                   



A pork pie costs £3.50 in Jamaica, A steak and kidney pie will rush you £4.75 in Aruba. Furthermore it is £3.25 for a meat and spud growler in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean, folks! . I’ll get me hat and coat....



Thought for Thursday: When they empty your wheelie bin, do you go out later to the landfill site to ascertain how it's doing? No. So, stop checking on your ex-partners!



I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then, I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!

                                         


The hospital phoned yesterday: "Your Mother-in-Law has been admitted this morning". I asked the matron: "How is she?" She replied: "I'm afraid she's critical". I sez: "Yeah, but you get used to that..."





Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                                   



Monday, 7 January 2019

The Ryanair Syndrome...

                


To the person who stole my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now. Moreover, I’d like to inform the geezer who nicked my train set: “What goes around.....”



I caught a spider yesterday. The missus sez: "Don't kill it, take it out." So I did, nice spider. Her name was Simone and she's hoping to become a web designer...



I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders, and furthermore, if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....



If perchance Ryanair retains the most unpopular airline award this year, will they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.



The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

                                          


I am trying to make friends outside of social media platforms, by applying those very same principles to everyday life. Consequently, each day I walk down the High Street and stop folk to inform them exactly what I have had for brekkie, how I feel at the moment, what I have done in Wetherspoons the night before, what I will do later and that I met Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert at my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife. I give them pictures of my family, my dog Alfie and of me putting the wheelie bins out, platting fog, paddling my kayak, watering the aspidistra, standing in front of landmarks, driving up Scropton Street, visiting the abbatoir, scoffing a Greggs vegan pastie and doing stuff anybody and everybody does every single day. I also eavesdrop on their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. Moreover, it works just like Facebook and Twitter, because I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist. I told my doctor that I’m addicted to Twitter. He sez: “I’m not following you...



The missus asked me last night if I thought she was wearing too much lipstick. I said it depended on whether she was going out with the sole intention of killing Batman or not. The reverberations of that statement still echo around my lug holes!

                                                        


Last week, I visited the Patent office, to register a new invention that I had dreamed up. I told the clerk, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a ‘Fottle’ can I register it?" The clerk replied, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" I carried on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...





Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.