Barmy Albert’s firework party was a complete disaster. "I don't understand it!" He opined. "They all worked fine when I tried them out yesterday,"
When I was little my mum used to put food on a spoon and say “The trains coming, the trains coming!” I would eat the food because if I didn’t then she wouldn't untie me from the railway track. I’m still always late and prone to being shunted into the sidings. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
Meanwhile at Tameside Hospital: Doctor; “I'm just waiting for your X-Ray”. Non-Stick Nora: “But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.” Doctor: “And we need to do a brain scan!”
Twenty years ago I asked a lovely girl out on a date. Then, yesterday I asked her to marry me. Unfortunately, she said refused on both occasions and reminded me about some kind of a restraining order.
I find that knowing the difference between "chalk and cheese," is advantageous when playing snooker.
Jesus walks in a restaurant with all the disciples and asked the maître d' for a table for 26 people. The maître d' sez: “But there are only 13 of you.” Jesus replies: “Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side....”
Breaking Showbiz News: Samuel L Jackson had just passed his driving test. From now on he'll be known just as Samuel Jackson
If any of my readers have been accused of being born in a barn and would like to discuss the matter, then never forget that my door is always open.
I like playing chess with the old men in the park. Sometimes it's hard to find 32 of them though, especially now it’s getting cold weather. It was so cold last weekend, I saw a Labrador frozen to a lamp post.
Paid stupid money for pet insurance and now they won't pay out when my little dog Alfie crashed the car. He’s a really clever dog is our Alfie. When he has a wee, he puts both his front paws on the wall and does it like a standing up, like a human being. This woman asked me how long he’d been doing it like that, I sez: “Ever since a wall fell on him!”
Missing items: I would like to tell the thieving individual who stole my train set, what goes round.... Furthermore, to the geezer who nicked my anti-depressant tablets. I hope you’re happy now!
Tameside Police have confirmed that a bloke who fell into a combine-harvester whilst trying to steal it, has been bailed!
They call it a "Selfie" because "Narcissistic" is too hard to spell. They don’t like it when your authenticity is louder than their facade. Whoever stole my selfie stick needs to take a long look at themselves. Carry on chortling! You can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: Comedianuk@sky.com