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Sunday, 24 June 2018

The Fire.....

                                 
                   


 Two World Cup countries have 0 players who play in their own country: Sweden and Senegal. The one country which has 0 team members playing outside their country? England. Fascinating innit!

Iran are now out of the World Cup, so the only remaining Islamic country in the competition is the United Kingdom....
                                 

                                   
Polish fans ran amok in Moscow and cleaned, polished and vacuumed 346 cars!



                               

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away until the autumn. This year, I shall be working on many different cruise liners around the Mediterranean. Then, copious exotic destinations beckon and in between these forays this summer as I will also be performing at the fantastic TUI Gold Hotels in Lanzarote, Cyprus, Costa del Sol, Menorca and Ibiza! These hotels are adults only. No kids! You think you’ve gone deaf!

                                 


I came home from a gig yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden while the fire brigade extinguished the flames in our scullery. I sez to the wife, "Why on earth didn't you phone me?" "What could you have done?" she opined. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got summat to eat there." That’s when the trouble started!


                     

Whilst sauntering around Tesco at the weekend, there was a foreign couple in front of me. I heard the check-out cashier ask if they would like help packing their bags, and my first impression was, "Effinell! This Brexit gubbins is having a bigger impact than I first thought!"

Old Jokes Home: When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, because of this, I had to put my foot down...



One of life’s ponderables: I wonder if a water bed is more bouncy if it was filled with spring water? Answers on a coastguard please.

                                     


I was a bookkeeper for many years; however the local library weren't too happy about it.



A lad is compiling a thesis on childbirth and asks his parents; "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork delivered you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. Moreover, my grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I just called them Gran and Grandpapapapapapapa. Isn’t life grand, when you’re doo-lally!

                                     


Barmy Albert was in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat at the bar all afternoon, trying to fathom out why his sister has four brothers, whilst he only has three.



Thought for Thursday: Apparently 'spite' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."



                               

Yesterday, I spent over an hour writing out the lyrics to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in a futile endeavour to distract myself from my compulsion to put everything in the wheelie bin. But now I've gone and thrown it all away....




                                 



I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!


                                   

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