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Wednesday, 13 June 2018

The Fitness App.....


                                                       

Breaking News: Polish football fans have been warned by the Russian authorities that if they cause any trouble during the World Cup they will be immediately deported back to the United Kingdom.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up,  everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

                                 
                                   

Barmy Albert went up to Non-Stick Nora and proudly showed him what appeared to be a dog. "It's absolutely unique," Albert explained, "It's part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand." Nora asked: "Which part is bull?" Albert replied, "The part about the thousand...."


My pal started a new business cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises....


We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over.


"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Floor level.Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
                                             

                                       


I just entered what I’ve scoffed today into my new fitness app and it has sent an ambulance to my house! Technology. Doncha luvvit!


"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandad." He always gave me sound advice. He told me to buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.

                                             
June 21st is the 171st day of the year (172nd in leap years) in the Gregorian calendar. There are 208 days remaining until the end of the year.


Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
                                       

Monday, 11 June 2018

The Chestnuts....

                                         


A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'Well then, I call them by their surnames!'



Yesterday, I spotted Barmy Albert sauntering through Stalybridge, wearing a Hi-Viz jacket and camouflage trousers... Make your mind up Albert!

                                                


I arrived home from a gig late last night and the missus had left a note on the fridge. It said, 'It's not working, so I've gone to my mothers'. I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection.



Thought for Thursday: Fame is limited to 15 minutes. Infamy is timeless and love is eternal.


                                                

I’ve joined an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Most embarrassing moment was when I went on the rowing machine and it sank....

                                                 


I've invented a new Love Island drinking game! Rule 1. Every time someone says "Oh my god" then take a sip. Rule 2. See rule number 1.



They say there's a moronic cretin in every group of friends. However, I'm quite fortunate because all mine are just the nicest folk. Hang on a minute!

                                    


On a recent visit to Tameside Hospital, I noticed a sign on the maternity room door, which bore the legend: "Push – Push - Push." Fascinating!


                                    



Being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and enlighten yourself and broaden your parochial horizons by reading my gloppy column. Then you can tell all your pals about my Jokey-Blog! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it.




                                  

Saturday, 2 June 2018

The Imaginary Friend.....

                                     


When my daughter Suzie Nellie (21) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated and somewhat grand moniker of Copper Du Maze. I was always taking the Mickey out of her because of this, however, one day; she got upset and stormed into her bedroom, slamming the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”


Moron-v-Mourners: I was attending a funeral last week and there was a flippant teenage oik straddled across the back pew of the church, nonchalantly scrolling through his iPhone, whilst loudly informing the other mourners that funerals were boring and demanding to know if there was a Wi-Fi connection in the church! The priest took exception to this appalling behaviour, sauntered across and exclaimed: “You, young man are an ignorant and disrespectful individual!” To which the youth replied: “Is that all lower case, dude?”

                                       



The general consensus of opinion from the government is that gambling ruins lives. However, that’s quite the reverse, as it's brought our family much closer. We’ve had to move to a rented DSS bed-sit flatlet. The area is so rough; we have to bring the doorstep in at night....

                                           


Breaking News: A lorry carrying ice cream has jackknifed on the M67 at Denton Rock. Police have coned off the area....

                           

When a woman proclaims: "We need to talk" Why is it never about golf or football? When the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for my opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from my mouth. It’s like being a ventriloquist’s dummy innit!



A Poignant Thought: At some point in your childhood, you and all your pals went outside to play together for the one very last time, and nobody knew it.


                                         

I bumped into Non-Stick Nora in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and she was fondly recollecting her head teacher curtly informing her that “Looking out of the window won’t get you anywhere in life.” She confessed that she had a smug look on her face thirty years later, when she handed him his burger and fries at the McDonalds drive thru...

                                             


Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!