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Friday, 8 July 2016

Ella with her crew?


I sez to the missus, I sez, "It looks like we're gonna have a female prime minister..." She replied, "It's a good thing that is. If wimmin ruled the world, there'd be no more wars." I sez, "Yeah, that's true. Because wars require logic and strategy." Unless your names Tony Blair, that is....


35 Fascinating Facts....


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists … They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


Saturday, 2 July 2016

Non-Stick Nora's Real Job....


As she was 'flying' down the road, Non-Stick Nora passed under a bridge only to find a copper with a radar gun on the other side lying in-wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'Where's the fire?'

To which Nora replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

' I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered,'Pardon? A rectum stretcher? And just what exactly does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?', he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..'

Traffic Ticket £95.00

Court Costs £45.00

Look on the Cop's face............ Priceless