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Thursday, 31 March 2011

Essex Hurricane Appeal...



A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".








The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.







Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident -Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria­ Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.







The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.







HOW CAN YOU HELP?







This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots. Any other items usually sold in Primark.







Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans Ice cream Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.







22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of9 £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.







**Breaking news**



Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"







Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex, oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Funeral Joke...




While my missus and I were shopping, a shapely young woman in a short, tight-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"




A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black Hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Join the queue."





A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck?' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just £15.' So the parents began to shout even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen quid?' they asked. 'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen pounds'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on. ' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy; to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen quid and demanded to know why she did it. 'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Rhyll with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new

Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.' (Are women good or what?)



Have you ever wished for a clean and shine polishing product that would shift the canker from a rabid armadillo’s snout and make it really gleam? Yes? Then you need to get yourself a Lifebuoy! Reorganize your priorities, firstly visit my website www.Comedian.ws, it ain't gonna hurt, is it?

Saturday, 19 March 2011

How To look Good Naked...



The missus (She talks through her nose, coz her gob is worn out!) is on the warpath! Some lowlife blackguard has stolen her knickers off the washing line. It’s not the knickers that she is annoyed about, but the twenty four clothes pegs that got nicked as well. What exacerbated this most unfortunate farrago even more, is the fact that she sent a photograph and applied to go on 'How To Look Good Naked. ' Yesterday, she received a rejection letter from Channel 4, but they’d like to know if she'd consider 'Scapheap Challenge.' I must say though, that we both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one!




I went into a corner shop in Liverpool last week, picked up a chocolate bar and sez “How much is this, love?” The girl behind the counter replied, “You’re not from round here are you?”



There are three kinds of men: Men who learn by reading. Men who gain knowledge through observation. All the rest of us seem to possess an irresistible urge to touch a ‘Wet Paint’ sign just to find out for ourselves. Personally, I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative.





A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Albert stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Albert?' 'No, miss, I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' She noticed that Albert wasn't too strong on his maths. She called him and said, 'Albert What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Albert quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'



I reckon there are two theories to arguing with a woman and I have found that neither of them works. A woman has the last word in every argument. Anything a man sez is the beginning of a new argument. So never miss a good chance to shut up.



In response to Fulham's decision to erect a Michael Jackson statue, Arsenal are now planning on putting up a new statue outside their own ground. A lifesize replica of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen will be placed outside, with the plaque reading: "Let's have a look at what you could have won!"



Women always maintain that we men are useless at multi-tasking. Personally, I can talk and annoy someone at the same time!



I simply cannot wait for the London 2012 Olympics. Tickets went on sale this week, so I applied immediately. I’ve just received two x 100 metre tickets yesterday. You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in!



Fascinating Fact: In 2011, this year, July has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years. Fascinating!







I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!




Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Multi-National, International Joke...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican wetback, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Will I Live to be 80?




I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned fifty.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Top 100 Reasons Why Its Good To Be A Bloke...

I have seen this quite a few times, but never a full 100. 

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Film & TV nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to pause on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Geezers in balacalava's don't rape you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is a fiver for a three pack.
33. You understand why Sponge Bob Square Pants is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Justi Bieber doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the Bristish Gas are coming to service the boiler.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress £1000; Morning suit hire £50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your pal when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck 'em all!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong pals.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're 'not in the mood'.
92. You think the idea of annoying a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with you mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Identical Twins Joke...


This girl from Wigan finds out she's pregnant. She's only 16. Even worse, it's twins.

After much soul-searching, she has the babies, which turn out to be identical. She then gives them up for adoption.

Time passes, and many years later her maternal instincts drive her to find out what happened to them.

Following a great deal of research she discovers that one of them was adopted by a Spanish couple, and was christened Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and named Amal.

She manages to trace the Spanish couple, and contacts them. They send her a photograph of the boy, who is now a fine young man.

Unfortunately, she is unable to discover the whereabouts of the Egyptian couple.

As she sits in her mother's house in Wigan, she looks lovingly at the photo of her long-lost son.

"Oh, Mother," she says, "I'm so happy to be able to see one of my sons, but how I wish I could also see his brother as he is today."

"Don't worry," says her mother, "they're identical. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I thank you.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's


Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's
01-03-11
WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.



This has never happenedThe European Court of Justice has ruled that car insurance premiums should not be subject to discrimination based on species, sobriety or blindfolds, even when it is a stunningly good idea.

But motoring organisations have questioned the decision claiming state-of-the-art computer modelling predicted a higher degree of accident risk if a vehicle is being driven by a colobus monkey who has discovered cars and vodka jelly on the same day and would love to drive at 90mph through a school playground.

A spokesman for the AA said: "There is a popular but completely unwarranted image of women driving while applying make-up, chatting on the phone or steering with their feet while reading one of those magazines that used to be a lovely tree.

"Whereas it does seem fairly obvious that pissed-up monkeys shouldn't be driving cars."

He added: "The fact is most women are very careful drivers, apart from my wife, who's an utter fucking maniac."

The ruling will mean a 50% increase in premiums for women, a move which insurance companies said would unfairly punish consumers and force them to make more money.

The case was brought by Stevenage motorist Brian Aviva, who claimed his wife should get exactly the same fantastic deal as he does.

Mr Aviva's lawyer said: "My client and his wife are delighted that their disposable income will now drop by around £200 a year."

Wayne Hayes, a 17 year-old capuchin monkey from Hatfield, said: "The only difference between me and my female friends is that they seem to have no interest in ramming into a minibus full of children.

"And I don't see why I should be penalised just because I'm a monkey who wants to see how fast my car goes when it's upside down."

SUBSCRIBE TO THE DAILY MASH!!!
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/women%27s-car-insurance-to-cost-same-as-a-drunk%2c-blindfolded-monkey%27s-201103013586/

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE...






MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.



SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Monkey Joke...


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
Sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it Whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate.. Then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it..

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." !!!

The Schnauzer ~ c/o Max Miller...



My next-door neighbour is half American and half Iraqi. He is his own worst enemy.


My other neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Immac" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Immac" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

TAX....


How true is this. Scary At first I thought this was funny....Then I realised the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.

Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway!

Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think.

Tax his car, Tax his fuel, Find other ways To tax the fool.

Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers; Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid.

When he's gone, Do not relax, It’s time to apply The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And Now they want a bloody Carbon Tax !

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the
most prosperous in the world.. We had absolutely no national debt, had a
large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.