Cheap Flights....

         

I am so embarrassed! I admit that I was absolutely bladdered on a Ryanair plane last week and the police hauled me off and threw me in the cells. Then all the other passengers demanded an upgrade! These cheapo flights are a nightmare, so they are. I was on one last month and we flew alongside an Emirates plane, so we could watch their movie!

Whilst sauntering down the street with my daughter Suzie, we passed some waneylap fencing and she said, "What are those holes Dad?" I told her that they were knot holes. "Well" she asked "If they're not, then what are they?" Fascinating!

The barmaid in Wetherspoons asked me if I had been to see the dentist. I sez, "Yeah, how did you know?" She replied, "It's that sticker on your shirt that says ' I Was Brave'......"

Ladies.Listen Up! The best solution if you're having a ‘bad hair day’ is to wear a low cut blouse or a short skirt, so it is.


A policeman stopped a suspicious looking geezer as he meandered out of Curry's Electrical last weekend. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" He eplied, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."

The priest went up to a little girl on the Sunday service at the front of the church and sez, "That's a beautiful dress you have on, my dear." The little girl replied, "Mummy says it's a bastard to iron!"....

I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....

I'm really dead chuffed with my vegetable patch. I honestly haven’t fancied a vegetable in weeks.


I was working in a club last night with a multi-tribute act. He did Buddy Holly, combined with The Big Bopper and also Richie Valens. I do hope that he got home safely...


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Summer is a-comin’! Spring has already sprung!

                 

Election Latest!

Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.


The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.


These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.


Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.


A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.


Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.


In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.


This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.


This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons. 

              

Raising money for the Katie Holmes Trust @ The Premiere Suite.

Alan Keegan~Gary Pallister~Phil Neville~Austin Knight.

Austin Knight has to be one of the funniest and most original stand-ups in the country. Extremely articulate and instantly engaging, Knight threw in material that this trade audience had clearly not heard before.
Mark Ritchie, The Stage Newspaper.

The Five Best Sentences in Economics.....

An economics professor made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Ed Miliband's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class based on Ed's plan".. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A. After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. Could not be any simpler than that ! These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment: 1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. 2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. 3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. 4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it! 5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation. As Margaret Thatcher said: The problem with Socialism is that some time you will run out of other people’s money.

Review Preview...

Austin, it appears that we had complaints from a number of local households, regarding the noise from the marquee. All that I can say, is that if the miserable buggers would've had the good sense to buy a ticket to the dinner and hear you in action, they'd have had a far better evening! You gave a brilliant performance and I've nothing but positive feedback from everyone that I've spoken to since Saturday. Thanks for helping to make our 50th Anniversary such a storming success and I wish you the very best of luck with everything that you do.
Chris Johnson, Helsby R.U.F.C.

A Blonde Girl....

This makes me feel like a rocket scientist!

A Blonde Lady driver was filmed adding a litre of oil to a car engine at a petrol station.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I guess it's a lot like cooking............?

Manchester Evening News Review.

Is he funny? I fear he is. Very. The audience out front are creasing themselves, and so from my place in an obscure corner, to my amazement so am I. The audacity, the cleverness, the garrulity, and yes, the wit is irresistible. Andrew Grimes, Manchester Evening News

 — with John Virgo.

http://www.comedianuk.com/reviews.htm

Reviews!

I have seen all the top circuit comedians, however, none have ever made me laugh as much as Austin Knight. His brilliant mixture of wit, repartee, ad-libs and subtle humour had us all howling for his entire performance. The man is a comic genius.
Mike Hughes, Chairman, Miles of Smiles Appeal — with Barry Fry.




http://www.comedianuk.com/reviews.htm

Parting is such sweet sorrow....

Well folks, it’s that time of year again. By the time you read this, I will be in Madeira. Tomorrow, I join the magnificent vessel that is Seabourn Quest. For the rest of the cruising season, I’ll be on board the beautiful Caribbean Princess meandering around the Mediterranean. Nice work, if you can get it! This column will return in the autumn.

                                     

I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....


After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.  He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


Everything that I do, seems to go awry. I lent a mate of mine £10,000 to have plastic surgery and I don’t know what he looks like now! Then, over the Easter weekend, the mother-in-law came to stay. Now read on: "My mother is still in shock," the missus complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her." "I only did what you asked me to do," I sez, in an effort to defend myself. “You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on.”



I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too , but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the cruise!