I begged the missus: “Put this nurse’s uniform on!” She replied: “Ooooh! Why’s that?”
I sez: “Get to Tesco, early doors. We need a loaf!”
Life is so stressful in total lockdown mode; especially when you’re in that self-isolation, quarantine and two metre social spacing lark that Boris has imposed on us. This can lead to stress related mental meltdown, which in turn can manifest itself into a touch of the ‘Coronaviral Blues’ and becoming a tad unhinged. Whilst being stuck at home, I have adopted a strict regime. I divest myself of my day time pyjamas at 9 pm, and change into my night time pyjamas. Furthermore, always take at least three placebos every day to keep yourself on an even keel. Indeed, I am becoming quite addicted to them. In a further attempt to make life more bearable, I have been trying to eliminate all the clutter that surrounds me in the house. When the missus left me, half of my problem was remedied forthwith, but then she came back. A visit from a certificated bailiff got rid of the rest of it. It’s not a pretty sight when one gets ones chattels repossessed. Then I read an incredible book that made me develop a profound interest in feng shui. It’s about inner harmony and all that gubbins. One must synchronise up ones Ying with ones Yang, it’s all to do with attaining a personal alignment betwixt positive and negative influences. Dragons can have a positive life effect, whereas a river rat is big trouble. Geddit? My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Even though they are both shut, I can resist anything, but temptation. Geomagnetism is a basic component of feng shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. Moreover, due to feng shui and the realignment of interior furnishings, all the chairs in our house, now face the telly.
You've got to feel sorry for Phillip Schofield in all of this. He's only just 'come out' now he's being told to stay in!
Stress is such a prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thereby leaving you with a totally stress free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how can I afford £1500 per week? Well the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that!
BREAKING: Train & bus drivers will now have to work from home. I reckon that traffic wardens should follow this example.
This stupid panic buying is ridiculous! I've just paid £10 for 12 Oxo cubes!! The stock market's gone doo-lally!
Self Isolation: I don’t even find it boring to stay all day inside, but I don’t understand why in one bag of rice there are 2453 grains, whereas in the other one 2467. East Enders has announced a break in production and the Eurovision Song Contest has been cancelled. Suddenly, staying in starts to look a lot less daunting. A new drink for self isolation is The Quarantini. It’s just like a normal Martini, but you drink it alone at home.
My neighbour Ivy has been in isolation for two weeks. She's climbing the walls.
Don't let COVID 19 kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! firstname.lastname@example.org