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Monday, 2 December 2019

Yuletide Shenanigans....

                                  


I sez to the missus: “Oi Fishface! What do ya want for Chrithmuth?” She shouted:”Don’t get lippy!” I replied: “Right! Mascara it is then!”


                                          

It cost a staggering £10 to go see Santa Claus at a large Manchester department store and forced to wait in a long queue for well over an hour. All that was forthcoming was a two minute meeting with Santa and a cheap mass produced plastic toy. What a rip-off con job that was! I’m just so glad I never took the kids...

                                                     


I asked Father Christmas for a Bentley Turbo and he told me be more realistic. After thinking for a moment, I asked him for a trustworthy political party to be voted in on December 12th. He asked what colour Bentley Turbo I fancied......

                                  


I didn't buy an advent calendar this year so I've decided to open a kitchen cupboard every day and eat whatever's inside there. I had a bottle of Worcester sauce today!



At the Christmas staff gathering, when people tell me, "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until the afternoon, primarily because I'm a problem solver.

                                    


My missus can do a far better West Midlands accent than me, which just goes to show that the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

                                                                     


My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."



While my neighbour, Barmy Albert was away visiting relatives last Christmas, I was tasked with looking after his pet snake. However, it escaped and crawled into our chest freezer and subsequently perished. I was so worried; I asked Non-Stick Nora how I could explain this unfortunate occurrence to Albert. She replied: “Just give it to him straight!” That’s when the fight started!

                                       


Did you know that there is not a single canary on the Canary Islands and the same thing goes for the Virgin Islands. Not a single canary there either!

                                                  


I’ve just tried to scrape the ice off my car windscreen with a B&Q discount card. It was rubbish. I only got 10% off...

                                       


Fascinating Fact: Charlie Sheen is American, Michael Sheen is British, but Mr Sheen is Polish.



This whimsical Christmastide column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, tinselly tonsils, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than Santa’s elves. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com