Artistes! Listen Up! When you’re setting up all your gear at a club and you feel that your job is pointless, remember there's a bloke in Germany that puts indicators on BMW’s.
So you're told by the panel that you've got no talent whatsoever and you won't get anywhere in showbiz. You walk off stage and the first person you see is Dermot O'Leary.
Breaking Showbiz News: Dire Straits and Chris Rea are joining forces to form a new band. I’m not sure what they’re gonna be called...
I was never going to find love in my local nightclub. All the girls that were there were looking for was security. At least that's what they shouted, every time I went near them.
Barmy Albert started a new job. He was amazed! He told the supervisor, "To tell you the truth, I cannot believe I'm working in the United Kingdom with all of these different languages. It’s so cosmopolitan! Who is that guy over there?" "That's Pawel." The supervisor replied, "He's Polish.” "Wow!" Albert replied, "Fair enough. What about that bloke standing over there. What language is he speaking?" "That's Gabor. He's Hungarian." "Okay." Sez Albert, "What about that fella over there, mumbling to himself. What flamin’ language is he speaking?" The supervisor sez: "That's Bob, he's a Geordie."
The missus asked me what I was Googling on the PC. "I sez: "I'm looking for some cheap flights," "Oh that's brilliant!" she replied. "Have you had any luck? I'll help you if you want." It's weird coz she's never, ever shown any interest in darts before now.
You know when you’re on the khazi, then suddenly realise that there’s no bog roll left, so you have to get up and do that little waddle, with your undercrackers around your ankles to get a new toilet roll? Well I got 100 yards from Aldi, afore the police stopped me....
The missus when we first met: "I love laying my head on your chest when you're sleeping so I can hear you breathe and your heart beat" The missus today: "I recorded you snoring,so you can hear how loud you are and why I can't flamin’ get to sleep, any night!"
My grandson said, "I just don't understand girls." I told him, "Don't worry that will change."
"Will it?" "Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women."
I've just found out the name Niamh is pronounced 'Neve'. Quite honestly I'm finding it very hard to beliamh. Matron, fetch the screens...
One day, you’ll just be a memory to some folk. Do your utmost to be a good one. Be aware that nothing lasts forever. So whoop it up, drink it down, take chances, avoid the drama and never have regrets, because at some point, you’ll have done exactly what you wanted to do. Alternatively, if you really want to follow your dreams, then go back to bed. You can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me too: email@example.com Now, get back to work!