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Sunday, 13 August 2017

The Match...

I attended a fantastic charity football match last Sunday. The Saint John's Ambulance 11 v the Tameside Hypochondriac Society 11. There was three hours of injury time!

Cricket explained in a nutshell: You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game Simple innit!

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream on the famous golf course at St Andrews. Suddenly, a green keeper shouts: “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sharn an’ waspish!” The golfer replies: “Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England, could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?' The keeper replies: “I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!”

Old Jokes Home: A geezer sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. He sees a mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." The fella is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of those things!"

The world's shortest fairy tale: Once upon a time, a fella asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after!

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