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Friday, 24 September 2010

Choosing a wife...


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

women only car park..

What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.


With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Government has established a policy of providing "Women Only" car parks. Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park.








counselling after 25 years of marriage


Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been
married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand,
embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts
and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband
Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking
in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless!

How to keep a woman happy.... Priceless!




It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Leave him alone!

Thursday, 16 September 2010

win eight tickets to the Rugby World Cup hosted by New Zealand in 2011.

Just answer the following six questions to win eight tickets to the Rugby World Cup hosted by New Zealand in 2011.

1. Which student seems to appear tired / sleepy?
2. Which ones are male twins?
3. Which ones are the female twins?
4. How many women are in the group?
5. Which one is the teacher?
6. Which two just finished a joint?







I guess you're not going either!

Monday, 13 September 2010

Darts NIght...


A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger... She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire...

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed...

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair,and told her husband when he came home...


He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl... "I've just never grown any hairs down
there...


Do you have hairs?"


"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff...


When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,
"Did you see it?"


"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not ?" she said...
"You've seen it before."


"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Ghost Sex...


A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you
think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."



Monday, 6 September 2010

Teacher Joke


A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

Biker Joke & Chilean Miners Vid

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car parki, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! .............. .........But enough about me, how's your day going?"



AUSTIN talks about CHILEAN MINERS

video

Saturday, 4 September 2010

It's a shame my missus ain't trapped down that mine with them Chilean miners. If she was, they'd have f***ing dug themselves out by now