The Season...

                           

The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Childhood recollections: When I was a little kid, my father only ever hit me once but I'll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.


                                               

I went to the doctors today to get my test results. He said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it"
"Why not?" I asked, "Is it summat serious?" "No, it's diabetes!” I saw Barmy Albert in the doctor’s waiting room. He curtly informed me that that he had the worst case of haemorrhoids that the doctor had ever seen in 40 years of being a GP. I asked him if that was why he was sat on a bean bag. Albert gazed at me, with eyes like burning embers and replied: “Have another look....”


The doctor told me to take up an activity that would keep me out of the pub. So I’ve started smoking...

                                                

We went to see Disney on Ice. Neither of us was impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer...



I sez to the wife, "It looks like Angela Merkel has got a fourth term and we're lumbered with Theresa May." She replied, "It's a good thing that is. If women ruled the world, there'd be no more wars." I sez, "Yeah, that's very true, because wars require logic and strategy." Unless your name is Kim Jong Un, that is....



Tesco Shepherds Pie: Right! I've removed my sleeve and filmed it. What next?


                                    

 


The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:"Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared: “This is The Official Receivers Office." I replied: "Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT. The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone. I told her straight! I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue...” Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street. They told me that it was outstanding!


I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: Comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!