Is the regrettable rise in the R rate really related to repeated rallies renouncing racism, ruffians reacting recklessly at riots or rapscallions rhapsodising at raves?
I heard a new lockdown golf term. It's a Dominic Cummings. It's a really long drive that goes out of bounds without penalty....
Yesterday, the missus sez: “I’m popping out to the non-essential shops, is there anything that you don’t want?”
The Flat Earth Society has announced that the two metre social distancing measures are pushing some of their members over the edge...
Chester Zoo has reopened after furloughed flamingos had no option but to put their foot down. You must also keep two cheetahs apart. So as from last Monday, you can go see an elephant and a giraffe, but you can’t see granny or Auntie Mabel, unless they’re in a bubble.
Should I abide by the rules until they are changed, or help speed up the change by breaking them like Dominic Cummings?
A furloughed British airways pilot did some painting and decorating for me last week. He made an excellent job of the landing.
The missus asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking. Apparently, Slimming World was not the correct answer. Furthermore, if you are asked which child is your favourite, you should choose one of your own. That’s when the fight started!
Despite having some lovely sunny weather last week, I simply cannot believe that in these times of self isolation that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many folk. Admittedly it wasn't my garden, or my underwear...
Barmy Albert phones Non-Stick Nora and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says I might have to have it amputated.” Nora replied: “Who’s Sharon?”
During the lockdown lark, my 4 year old nephew has been learning Spanish, but still hasn’t learned how to say ‘please’. I honestly think that this is poor for four...
Eleven Step Guide to Lockdown DIY & Odd- Jobs around the House:
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!
5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, swearing, smashing, battering and throwing stuff around sometimes does help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.