I’ve just spotted Chris Rea on the M6 motorway. I wonder where he’s going?
Granny always wraps her Christmas presents up many months beforehand. Last year, she got me a lovely dog skeleton....
When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a complete and utter moron on the bus this morning....
When Barmy Albert worked at the Royal Mail, he had the job of processing all the letters that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting, to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was all about.
The letter began:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Friday is Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Yours Sincerely, Elsie Grabknuckle.
Barmy Albert was indeed touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers. Each one dug into his or her pocket and came up with a few quid each. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to prepare a glorious turkey dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your really wonderful and much appreciated present. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those robbing swine’s at the Royal Mail. Yours Sincerely, Elsie Grabknuckle.
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
I sez to the missus, “Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year.” She replied, “I hope it isn’t the 13th!”
Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: Comedianuk@sky.com