I fondly recollect when the kid asked me, “Daddy, where do we come from?” I sez, “The Stork.” She replied, “Mummy reckons that we came from apes”. “No darling, I replied, “That was your mother's side of the family!”
"Don't go bacon my heart"
"I couldn't if I fried"
No, I didn't call her Babe.
No, I didn't need oinkment.
No, she wouldn't leave me aloin.
No, I've never made a rasher decision.
The teacher was giving a lesson in arithmetic. She asked the children to explain on paper how you know when to add, subtract, divide or multiply. Here's one girl's answer: "If there are lots of numbers, you add. If there are only two numbers, with lots of parts, you subtract. But if there are just two numbers, and one's a little harder than the other, then it's a hard problem, so you divide if it comes out even, but if they don't you multiply." So now we know!
A driver is pulled over by the cops. The policeman approaches the driver’s door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet the lying devil told you I was speeding, too!"
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org