Valentines Day Moussaka...

To all you beautiful girls out there, Happy Valentines day. To all you ladies who might be described as being on the 'avant garde side of petite,'  then chins up, it's Pancake day next week. With it being Valentines Day today, I've just said those three little words to the missus. "I'm off out..."

On Valentines Day, Barmy Albert decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend, Non-Stick Nora. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs and Nora was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Albert, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs." Albert's face took on such a look of horror that Nora was frightened. "Darling, what's wrong?" she asked. ”Just for a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.” Declared Albert. "Ex-wife?" she screamed. "I never knew you were married before!" With a saturnine grimace, Albert replied, "I wasn't..."

Fascinating Fact: Studies at The Metropolitan University of Manchester have shown that if your parents never had children, the chances are that you won't either. Incredible!

Top Tip No 4834: Gentlemen, listen up! If your girlfriend or wife ever says summat like "If anything ever happens to me, then I really want you to meet someone new." Take note that ‘Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

Sharon & Tracey were having lunch together, and were discussing the merits of plastic surgery. Sharon says, "I'll be honest, I'm gonna have boob job." Tracey replies, "Well, I'm seriously considering getting my arsehole bleached." To which Sharon replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your hubby as a blonde."

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and within the workplace? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!