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Saturday, 3 February 2018

The First Five Days....

                                   


Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub quaffing a pint of Farqharharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when this bloke asked him how many beers he drank per week. Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Well, I always have about five pints on a Friday, then probably another five on Saturday, then on Sunday, me and Non-Stick Nora go out and have a bottle of wine each, then I might have a couple of beers on Tuesday, when we play darts, then maybe four pints on Thursday, when it’s snooker night.” This bloke replied: “And how many years have you been drinking?” Albert pondered for a moment and sez: “About forty years!” This fella curtly informed Albert: “Did you know that if you had put all the money that you wasted on booze over forty years in a high interest bank account, then by now, you would have been able to afford your own Bentley Turbo Continental car and your own private jet airplane!” Albert asked him if he was a drinker and the bloke replied: “No, I am not!.” Albert sez: “Then where’s you private jet and your Bentley Turbo then?”

I put a clean pair of socks on every single day and by the time Thursday comes around I can't get me boots on.

Things to look forward to during the bleak midwinter: 2018 Winter Olympics. 102 different ways of sliding...

The missus just phoned me in a state of near panic. "I'm at the Trafford Centre and I can't remember where I've parked the car!" she opined. I sez to her: "Calm down and just look around until you see a group of blokes shaking their heads and tut-tutting...."

Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

                            



Just opened the mail and to my abject horror I’ve found out that I failed my German exam.  Sacre bleu!

                               


The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge. I got it from Marks & Sparks.

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse

Never put all your eggs in one basket? Yeah right! Nice try, basket manufacturers...

                               


Hey, listen up! I am perfectly okay in this nice white jacket that lets me hug myself. Although some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps! You’d be daft not to visit my website though. Just clickety-click on: http://www.comedian.ws and strike the pose! Email me on comedianuk@sky.com . Now, get back to work! The monsoon is a-comin’!!

                                    

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