I don’t have an advent calendar, so I’m just opening random cupboard doors and scoffing anything that’s in there!
Before Christmas, Britain needs to conduct another referendum. This time, on whether or not to ban sprouts.
I spotted a sign offering a ‘Dickensian Christmas’. 6 am wake-up call. Then, feast on a bowl of salted gruel, followed by 18 hours hard labour in the workhouse. I’ve already booked the missus in!
Due to freezing temperatures, parents are advised to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking up their kids from school.
I was on the train chewing some Wrigleys Spearmint gum, when an old lady sat in the seat opposite curtly informed me: ."It's no use talking to me, dear. I'm as deaf as a post".
Q) What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A) A Labracadabrador
Non-Stick Nora comes running into the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and shouts to Barmy Albert."Albert! Some scallywag has just nicked your car off the car park." "Did you get a look at his face, Nora?" Nora replied: "No but I got the licence plate number!" Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity....
The missus sez to me "There's no such thing as problems, there are only opportunities." I replied, "That's brilliant! Because, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
My American mate just said to me, "Have you ever hunted bear?" I said, "No, mate, but I went fishing once in just my socks".
Old Jokes Home: A balding old man walked into a jewellers shop, late on Friday evening with a drop-dead gawjus young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The man opined: “No, I'd like to see summat more special.” Upon hearing this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000” the jeweller sez. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it!” ' The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,”By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.” On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old bloke and sez “The cheque was returned due to insufficient funds in your account.” “Never mind all that gubbins!” shouted the old geezer, “Let me tell you about the FANTASTIC WEEKEND I just had!”
Coming home late from a gig through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a tad doo-lally, whether from stage fright, or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org NOW, GET BACK TO WORK!