Friday, 28 October 2016
Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians or the Chinese are up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Theresa May should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send Boris Johnson round with a rake!
The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.
The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
I have just been to my local hospital and saw a sign saying, ‘Thieves operate here.’
Now, I’m no medical expert, but surely it would be safer to leave this type of work to surgeons.
I've been for a job interview. They said the pay was only £10 per hour, to start with, but went up to £20 per hour after six months. The manager asked me when I could start, I replied, "Erm, in six months?"
The lawyer says: “I have some good news and some bad news”
The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million ......”
The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed,
You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.....”
I told myself to stop drinking during October. Then I thought why should I take advice from a drunk who talks to himself?
I encouraged my 16-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. Last night, she came home with five applications, and later
that evening, I read them. Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!