I suffered a flat tyre in Stalybridge last week. This stupid bloke came up while I was changing it and asked me: “Have you got a flat tyre?” I sez: “No, not at all. I was driving along and suddenly the other three just swelled up!”
Thought for Thursday: If you do not have a TV licence then you can be sent to prison, where you can watch TV all day, every day without having a TV licence.
Have you ever committed a faux pas? I once asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done. Well, if looks could kill!
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . .. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
I gave my ID over to the bank clerk and she declared: “Gee Whiz! You’ve aged a bit since this photo was taken!” I sez: “Yeah, I have. I had it taken just before I joined the queue here in your bank!”
I had similar problems when I decided to visit a local night club in Staley Vegas last weekend. The doorman pronounced: “You can’t come in, you look like you’ve had a few too many!” I sez: “Do you mean drinks?” He replied: “No. I meant birthdays!”
Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Email me: email@example.com. Now get back to work