Jokes:

Private Eye...

2012-01-26T06:11:00.000-08:00

The managers indecision is final...

2012-01-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

I hear on the grapevine that 'King' Kenny Dalglish has firmly dismissed rumours that Andy Carroll will be shown the door at the end of this month. Dalglish said: "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of energy showing him the door.

Breaking News: Harry Redknapp has been fined for contempt of court. The trial judge repeatedly warned him to stop nodding and winking the jury....

If perchance Man Citeh fail to win the league this year, what would be the odds on Mancini leaving? After all, it's not like an Italian to desert a sinking ship is it?

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade....

2012-01-24T02:18:00.000-08:00

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded thus:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"   "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."   "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

Breakfast in Med? or Roll Over Boat Haven? The Capsized Costa Concordia Captain Castigated!

2012-01-16T05:10:00.000-08:00

A Glaswegian couple have refused to be rescued from the stricken liner. They told rescue operation divers "F**k off! We're on All-Inclusive!"

I was my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night, for the weekly quiz night. The first question was "By what other name is Britain's Gross Domestic Product also known?" Apparently "The Missus" wasn't the answer they were looking for. Hmmm, may have to Google that one!

A fella comes home from work only to find his son playing on a new Xbox: "how did you afford that Xbox, they cost up to £200" "Easy dad, I earned it hiking." The guy replied “I don’t understand, how did you earn money hiking?” The lad sez, “ When I come home from school and Uncle Tommy is here with mum, he always gives me a tenner and tells me “hey kid, go take a hike.”

Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that the USA no longer has the highest annual defence budget in the world. That honour now goes to Manchester City Footbal Club!.

Three boy scouts were talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”

A young boy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched his father move from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the boy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His dad replies, “It’s to ensure that the animal is fit and has no injuries, before you buy it.” The lad thought for a minute and said, “I think Albert from next door wants to buy mummy.”...

I phoned that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly today and said, "I would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."

The missus said, "New year, same old lazy you. I hope you've got something good planned for Valentines day." I said, "I have indeed. I think I'll take the Christmas decorations down."

I was talking to my Nan the other day when suddenly, I then realised that everyone else in the Indian Restaraunt was giving me weird looks.

Thought for Thursday: The brain is a most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.

"Come on in," I said to the neighbour at the front door. "I'd rather not," she said, "I've got dirty feet." "That doesn't matter," I said. "You can keep your shoes on."

Sometimes, we discover that we have hidden talents. Whilst organising a day out, I phoned The Blue Planet Aquarium on the Wirral. They said my call may be recorded for training Porpoises. Incredible!!

All this January sales lark gubbins ain't all it's cracked up to be, I went to Boots, they don't sell boots, went to Currys, they dont sell curry, went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges, and as for that Virgin Megastore, well what a f***ing let down that was!

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Cheer up, the spring is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!

Antony Worrall Thompson Jokes.... (to be taken with a pinch of salt)

2012-01-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Ready-Steady-Crook

Antony Worrall Thompson is accused of stealing ten bottles of wine. The Crown Prosecution Service said he'd have to go away and nick two more bottles before they could make a case of it...

Q) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A) Because it was stuffed up Mr Worrall Thompsons jacket, Your Honour.

I visited Antony Worrall Thompson's restaurant last week. The Maitre d sez "Do you have any reservations?" "Well I'm bit worried that you'll nick my hat and coat".

Antony Worrall Thompson has been caught shoplifting cheese? How Dairy!

The Worral Thompson Omelette Recipe: First, you steal six eggs...

Apparently, they're ALL at it!! Nigella Lawson just been spotted coming out of Harrods with what looked like two melons up her jumper!!

Antony Worrall Thompson can now be found on Twitter.However, the only person following him is a security bloke.

This year, Christmas was superb at the Worrall Thompson house. They enjoyed a lovely Stollen cake, not forgetting stolen cheese, and wine as well.

Try the New Anthony Worrall Thompson Diet, cheese, wine, then porridge..

Worrall Thompson latest: It really looks like he is going to be serving Thyme.

More to follow!!!

And that was only for starters!!

2012 ~ Get Out Of That Rut!!

2012-01-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

Happy New 2012! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.

Breaking News: Diane Abbot has just received an eight match ban and a £40k fine.

More Breaking News: Sir Alex Ferguson is set to recall Bobby Charlton for the game against Liverpool on 29th Jan. Moreover, if any City fans out there are feeling upset and need some Kompany, feel 3-2 pop round!

My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the most you've ever paid for sex?"   "Marriage," I replied. Upon reflection, marriage is like a deck of cards really. You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade....

I sincerely wish that Michael Barrymore (who once owned the most perilous stretch of water in the UK) is invited into the Big Brother house to give swimming lessons to Frankie Coccoza. If my wish is granted, then let's hope that Frankie is able to do a length!

New Movies: I've just been to see The Iron Lady. She is so professional and is the only person who really knows how to get the creases out of my shirts. Seriously though, I'd have thought that Robert Downey Jnr would have had at least a cameo role in this movie.

Wayne Rooney, the spud-faced nipper, has been suspended by Sir Alex ‘The Hairdryer’ Ferguson because he went out on Boxing night, when he should have been at home, toasting his toes in front of the fire. Rooney has had to participate in extra training sessions and has received a hefty fine rumoured to be in the region of £200,000 from Manchester United for his misdemeanours. What a coincidence! I too have been in serious trouble with the missus, because of my New Year keep fit regime. She is whingeing because I have been out the last four nights running. Having said that, the missus and I both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one! She does light up the room however, whenever she moves away from the window!

2012 technology is already here and available! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut. Fascinating!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says    "stit ruoy su wohs".

My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.

I bought my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She gazed at my smug countenance with the utmost disdain, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App which in turn corrupted the iBooze function. So I ain’t been down the pub all week. Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it

Although there may have been lots of jokes that you may not have found particularly funny in this blog during 2011, please rest assured that I intend to continue this all the way through 2012. I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: http://www.comedianuk.com/
or email me: comedianuk@sky.com  Now, get back to work!

Alzheimers/Dementia/Memory Loss. Have I already told you this?

2011-12-29T02:42:00.000-08:00

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their

wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is

concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they

spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door

opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and

she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,

and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,

Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride,

bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is

back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,

ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I

am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and

so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were

only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I

have been in here before?'

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I already sent this to you ?

Just found out my grandad has dementia. I just hope and pray that it doesen't run in the family, because my grandad has got it as well.

The singer Glen Campbell has the dreaded malady of dementia too. Apparently, he's getting cards and letters from people he don't even know!

Breaking News....

2011-12-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

Breaking News: Kim Jong il has died. For all those morons who haven't a clue about what goes on in our global village, she was the leader of North Korea.

I attended the funeral of Kim Jong il in North Korea over the weekend. I couldn't understand a word they were saying. The buffet afterwards however, was the dogs bollocks.

Merry Winterval & All That Gubbins...

2011-12-18T06:12:00.000-08:00

When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a right tosser on the bus this morning.

Regarding the need to carry a shovel. A Poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Last Christmas, my grandfather was feeling rather ill, so the doctor advised us to rub brandy butter all over him. He went downhill really fast after that.

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

I went back to see the doctor yesterday. I informed him, "When I applied the Hemorrhoid ointment that you gave me this morning, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."

Barmy Albert phoned work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" Albert replied, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garybaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!

The High Court in London has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the Houses of Parliament this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

When I was 5 yrs old, we were so poor, I remember coming downstairs on Christmas morning and there were two AAA batteries under the tree and a note saying: "Toys Not Included".

Thought for Thursday: This Christmas, be thankful for the bad things in life, for they open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.

If you see a fat man, who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let’s face it, you’re bladdered! Gerroff home! A merry Christmas to all my readers. Visit my Krimbo Jokey-Blog: www.ComedianUK.com Now, get shovelling that snow!

Christmas gig with Ray Parlour, who has both hands on my shoulders....

2011-12-16T00:18:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I worked with Ray Parlour at the Grimsby Round Table Annual Christmas Dinner. The audience were with us all the way, but we managed to shake 'em off at the railway station. Ace night!

If it's Christmas, get a turkey. If it's raining, get a Capon...

2011-12-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

This morning, the missus sat me down at the breakfast table and then came the bad news. "This will be the last time I'm carrying you down all those stairs, you lazy cretin." Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever.

I hear on the grapevine that Disneyland Paris will have some stiff competition (literally) next year when the rival Dominique Strauss-Kahn Theme Park opens. Apparently, you'll get a ride, whether you want one or not....

In Christmas past, during my teenage years, I recollect that a girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" I immediately popped the question. Sorted!

Dear Santa, please can I have a really fat bank balance and a slim woman. Please don’t mix these two up just like you did last Christmas. I've been good all year. Well most of the year. Okay f**k it, I'll buy my own presents.

My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour." I said, “I’m only joking, your present is under the tree." "Ooh what is it?" She said excitedly. "A root" I replied.

I was at a Christmas party when the DJ suddenly announced, “all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living”. The barman was nearly crushed to death! The barman said to me: "Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" I looked at him and replied, "Why would l want two empty glasses?"

I was watching ‘Santa Claus The Movie’ yesterday, when suddenly, the missus walked in, pressed the eject button, then took the DVD out and went back into the scullery. I asked, "Why did you do that?" She sez, "The instructions on this bolognese pasta clearly says, 'Remove film before placing in oven.’ Blondes. Doncha just love 'em?

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the prisoner.

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.” Moreover, I've put my Christmas declarations up yesterday. When I say declarations, it's a sign I put on the front door saying 'Carol Singers F**K Off'.

Did you ever realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home from the pub in five minutes" are both an identical chronological timespan? Fascinating!

Angry wife on phone to her husband: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond and totally fell in love with it, but I didn't have the money at the time to buy it and said one day it will be yours?" Wife: "With a blushing smile, yes I remember that my love". Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop"

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of RYANAIR.

2011-12-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap" and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "But you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll need one of ours. That will be another 3 euros."

O'Leary grimaced, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Oh, so you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That's another 2 euros, and actually, I see that you didn't pre-book the seat, so in fact it will be another 4...

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you want to bring that laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euros"

O'Leary was so pissed off that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is a f***ing rip-off, I want to speak to the manager".

"That's fine, but you can only contact him by email", said the barman. "And by the way, that will be another 2 euros for use of the counter. And unless you are going to wash the glass yourself, that will be another 3ˆ It will be another 3 to use the washroom and make sure you tidy up all the area before you leave”....

Have a nice day......

http://www.comedian.ws/

Two Feet Of Snow Here.....

2011-12-05T05:11:00.000-08:00

This missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?"

Good fortune does indeed shine on Stevie Bruce. He gets sacked as manager of Sunderland on the last day of November, knowing full well that on the first day of December every department store in the world will be looking for a jolly, fat bloke with a penchant for wearing red & white. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Barmy Albert shouts frantically down the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Albert, "this is her husband!"

I drove past a couple of them lazy, bone idle strikers last Wednesday. I wound the car window down and shouted "Get back to work and do your job properly!" I couldn't make out what Torres said, but Andy Carroll told me to f**k off...

If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear. Fascinating!

Stopped over at Keele Services on the M6 last night. Got a cup of coffee, a ham sandwich and a packet of crisps. At the checkout, I declared “Sorry love, I’ve only got a £50 note.” She looked at me and replied, “You’ll have to put the crisps back then”. Incredible!

10 Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Far Too Seriously....

1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2) A day without sunshine is like, night.

3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5) He who laughs last, doesn’t really get the joke.

6) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

9) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

10) Inside every older person, is a younger person wondering what happened!

A man on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money”...

Thought for Thursday: Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world and receive a handsome bonus payment for his scurrilous activities.

The Wikipedia definition of "paraprosdokian": A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it" is a type of paraprosdokian. Okay, so now consider visiting my Jokey-Blog for more exercise to your guffaw glands! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and regenerate your chuckle muscles. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

A practical example of how the human mind works...

2011-11-28T06:37:00.000-08:00

An analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think...

For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice arse but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman, with a nice arse, on her way to work.

The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity.

For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.

Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's arse will cause by the time she reaches 50.

But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

http://www.comedianuk.com/

The countdown is on!

2011-11-28T01:34:00.000-08:00

Puptarts?

As from today, the countdown is on! At Christmas, a real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.

My daughter looked up and sez "All this Movember stuff is ridiculous, I hope that you're gonna shave off that stoopid moustache before we go out today, it's totally embarrassing!" I was absolutely flabbergasted, it was the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the missus.

I was speaking at a sportsmans dinner last Friday night and they auctioned a signed pair of Carlos Tevez football boots. Apparently, they no longer fit him properly, I hear that he has got too big for them.

During our day out at Ladybower Reservoir, Barmy Albert asked me, "What's the biggest fish you've ever caught?" I looked at him and sez, "Have you ever seen the film Jaws?" "Yeah." He replied. "Well it was about the same size as the box the DVD comes in."

Fascinating Fact: Because the duck-billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard. Incredible!

A Woman's Poem.

He didn't like the casserole,

And he didn't like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard,

Not like his mother used to make,

I didn't perk the coffee right,

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks,

The way his mother used to do,

I pondered for an answer,

I was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and

smacked him one,

Like his mother used to do.

Animal instincts are amazing. The mice in our house always know when my wife's mother is about to visit - they throw themselves on the traps.

Ten years ago Bob Hope died, then five years back Johnny Cash sadly passed away.

A couple of months ago, the founder of Apple, Steve Jobs shuffled of this mortal coil, then to top it all, two weeks ago, alas Jimmy Saville was no more. Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to fix it. We live in sad times.

Yesterday afternoon, on the High Street, a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper, that you could almost see through. He said, 'I want you to help me trace someone.'

Thought for Thursday: Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% of people just don't care and the other 80% of folk are glad you have them.

Don't let worry kill you off - let me help. By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter: twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Tinseltide is a-comin’!!

Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

2011-11-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

The missus was in the bathroom for what seemed like an eternity, whilst I was waiting patiently downstairs to go out, when finally she flung the door open and opined “Give me your honest truthful opinion, do I look big in this?” I replied “Yes dear, but to be fair, it is a very small bathroom.”

A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily & responded "Its true. We speak for hours every day" She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.

I was stopped by a traffic policeman the other day. He sez, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic." I replied. He curtly informed me: "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am." Another three points and I qualify for a toaster! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I was on a British Airways flight the other day. For two hours Ryanair flew alongside us, so that their passengers could watch our film.

Husband: "Where've you been?" Wife: "The beauty parlour", Husband: "For six hours, you don’t look any different", Wife: "I was getting an estimate".

My grandad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that because she was chained to the railings.

When my school pal and I were little, we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was, he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got fed up of this and told him I wasn't playing any more. "Okay" he said. "We'll play a different game and you can be Robin." "Brilliant" I said. "Who are you gonna be?" "Batman" he replied.

Whilst in the car, I said to the missus, "You've been driving the car, haven't you?" She replied, "And exactly how do you know that?" I sez, "Because the clutch is knackered." She replied, "Don't blame me, I never use it."

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio."Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven....

I'm in trouble with the missus, yet again. We were in bed last night, and she asked me what would like to do most with her body. Apparently "Identify it" wasn't the right answer.

Thought for Thursday: I suffer from paranoid amnesia. I can't remember who I don't trust.

Historians have discovered the headstone of a grave, of what they believe to be the oldest man in the United Kingdom. He was 111, and his name was Miles from London. The inscription was rather faded, so he might not have been 111, he may have been ill.

The proper art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. It’s a little bit like that U-bend behind the toilet, I could never get my head round that. You can visit my website if you fancy it, just clickety-click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/
or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

What is going on?

2011-11-10T04:10:00.000-08:00

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians are up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Mr David Cameron, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Nick Clegg round with a rake, pronto!

What with the bleak midwinter just around the corner, I decided that I wasn’t going to be caught out this year when we are deluged with the white stuff. So I phoned our local 4x4 centre today, in readiness of the heavy downfall forecast in a couple of weeks - they were very helpful, apparently the answer is sixteen. Fascinating!

Since being ejected by Simon Cowell from The X Factor for snorting cocaine, a spokesman today commented that Frankie Cocozza needs medical help. I know just the doctor for him...

Money making tip.

Step 1 - Purchase a premium rate telephone number.
Step 2 - Put your telephone number on a 'How's my driving?' sticker and stick it to the rear of your car.
Step 3 - Drive around town like a complete twat and watch the cash roll in.

Poor old Joe Frazier has died.. Police suspect foul play, They're currently grilling George Foreman!

I got home yesterday evening and the missus was weeping buckets by the slopstone in the scullery, and was inconsolable. I approached her in a most sympathetic manner. "Why are you crying, darling?" I gingerly enquired. "I made a lovely spaghetti bolognese for our dinner" she opined "But the dogs have scoffed it" "Don’t fret, love, we can always get some more dogs," came my reply. She bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

I remarked that the sandwiches tasted rather odd and enquired what was on them. The missus sez, "Crab paste." I aked her where she got it and she replied "The chemist."

Hallowe'en was nowt speshul in our house. The missus looks exactly like Freddie Kruger every morning when she wakes up. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade. To be blatantly honest, I dunno how she has got past so many bonfire nights either.

"To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian". - Quote from Shakespeares Scandinavian sister, who had a face like a Norse...

In 1991, I was dating a Siamese twin for a while, but she finished with me after she found out I was seeing her sister behind her back.

A Poem Wot I Wroted:

Thank you for the flowers she said,

As she slowly raised her head,

I'm truly sorry for the things I said last night,

I was wrong and you were right,

So I forgave her, there and then,

... And as we whiled away the hours,

I thought to myself,

What f***in' flowers?!?!

Thought for Thursday: Folk are funny. They spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Breaking News: The Olympic Flag will now have only four rings: Green, blue, red and black. Apparently, the Greeks had to pawn the gold one.

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, it just isn’t worth the effort of gnawing through the leather straps. However, if you like a challenge, then visit my website! Just clickety-click on www.Comedian.ws and have a chortle on me! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Steve Kindon.

2011-10-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

James H. Reeve ~ Dave Stebbings ~ Austin Knight ~ Steve Kindon @ Horwich Golf Club at a charity dinner raising much needed funds for http://www.retrak.org/ Yet another fantastic night of comedy!!

Trick or treat? The decision is yours...

2011-10-31T05:18:00.000-07:00

It was officially the end of British summertime yesterday. As opposed to the unofficial end which was in May. The clocks have gone back, and the bleak winter season is forthcoming. I reckon that we must have a different type of clock in our house. I’ve been watching them for twelve hours now, and they are all still going forward. On a brighter note, I bring good news for all insomniacs - only three more sleeps until Christmas! Yes folks! It's getting terribly close to that time of year when we all drag a dead tree into our living rooms and eat chocolate out of a sock. Fascinating!

Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they don’t look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door last weekend and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, you thick t**t?" Well, I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school. Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them.

Q) What is brown and very lonely?
A) Colonel Gaddafi's camel.

I was driving down the High Street in a bit of a fluster, because I had an important meeting to attend at the betting shop, and couldn’t find a parking place anywhere. Looking up to heaven I said, "Lord, if you find me a parking space, I will change my ways, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and I will give up drinking beer". Just then, a parking place appeared. I looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."

"What do we want?"
"Northern Irish Accents"
"When do we want them?"
"Noiye"....

The missus arrived back from her driving test. "So," I asked excitedly. "How did you get on?" "Not good." She replied, "He failed me." "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically, "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?" "A chain." She replied "The cars still in the river."

I frightened the postman today by going to the door with no clothes on. I'm not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Twas good to see Mario Balotelli doing an awareness campaign for Fireworks night. Perhaps his team mate CarlosTevez may do summat for Hallowe’en. He wouldn't need a costume, because he has a face like a murderers labourer. I hear that Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini. If his solicitor has any sense of humour, he'll refuse to come off the bench and defend him.

Give a person a fish and you will feed them for a day. Alternatively, get them on the internet and they won't bother you for many months.

Q) Why did the missus cross the road?
A) To go back into the very same shoe shop that we went in four f***ing hours ago!

Quote of the week: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Austin Knight & Neil 'Razor' Ruddock at Manchester City FC.

2011-10-31T05:12:00.000-07:00

I had a great gig last Friday at Manchester City FC in the Citizen Suite with former Liverpool, Spurs and England player Neil 'Razor' Ruddock, who I have now worked with a few times on the after-dinner speaking circuit.

The Citizen Suite has been given an extensive makeover, in readiness for the forthcoming 2012 Olympics apparently. The sky-blue curtain that you can see behind the top table in my pic has been specially woven and contains a panoramic view of the city of Manchester, and a very fine peice of craftsmanship it is too. Especially, when I examined it close up, I found it quite amusing to note that Old Trafford has been airbrushed out of the scene! You couldn't make it up! Could you?

We received a brilliant reception and well over 350 guests attended the dinner, which was to raise much needed funds for Brendan Bees Junior FC at Droylsden. Razor Ruddock regaled the audience with tales of his escapades at Millwall, Liverpool and Spurs and his magnificent impression of Harry Redknapp will be with me forever! He was so funny! The crowd gave us both a standing ovation. Later on on the audience cheered and carried me aloft on their shoulders. I said "I can walk to the car." They said "You're going in the river!" A fantastic night was had by all!

Tevez Latest!!

2011-10-22T08:36:00.001-07:00

Gaddafi Latest! Another Dictator In The Pipeline?

2011-10-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

Apparently, a badly wounded Gaddafi shot himself in the head, after rebels informed him that he was being taken to Stepping Hill Hospital...

Q) What's black and has two broken arms?
A) Colonel Gaddafi's Raybans.

Yes folks, finally, after years of atrocities and the suffering of millions, it's over. Details are still to be confirmed, but Westlife are definitely splitting up.

A pal of mine attended an orgy and slept with three Thai girls last night. He reckoned it was like winning the lottery. He got six matching balls!

Saw a homeless guy in Manchester city centre, sat in a cardboard box selling The Big Issue. I sez to him "I see you're still working from home then."

Ooooh, folly folly! I have just found out that my dad has an advanced form of dementia. I just hope and pray that it isn't hereditary and doesn't run in the family because my dad has got it as well.

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back! On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.

This economic global downturn credit crisis recession gubbins really is quite appalling, in fact it's even worse than getting divorced! I’ve lost more than half of my assets, but I’m still lumbered with the missus!

Moreover, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, your investment would be worth a derisory £49.00 today. If you had bought £1,000 worth of shares in AIG twelve months since, you would have a measly £33.00 today. If you had invested £1,000 in Lehman Brothers last year, your collateral would be NIL today. However, if you had treated yourself to a grands worth of beer a year ago, supped all the ale, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. You heard it first here folks!

A little girl and a little boy were at nursery. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, you wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his good fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary bloke," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men….

"I can't believe that you taped over our wedding video with a rubbish Stephen King film," she yelled. "I couldn't have," I replied. "We've only had a DVD player for the last ten years." "Well what's with the sticker with 'Misery' on it then?"

My wife rang me on Sunday afternoon. "Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside the house in the pouring rain for an hour!" "I'm watching the Derby game and having a few beers with the lads," I said. "Well I need you to come and open the door for me," she snapped. "I've forgotten my key." "Calm down," I replied. "I'll send Barry through from the kitchen."

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Batten down the hatches. The bleak midwinter is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!

It didn't take long....

2011-10-13T04:07:00.001-07:00

Lucky £101 Million Euro Lottery Winner To Be Married....

2011-10-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

What incredible luck! £101 Million Euro Lotto winner scoops jackpot last Friday, then meets the love of his life on Saturday! You couldn't make it up!

I was chatting up a gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I wanted to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish!

Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...

A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."

Watching the rugby last weekend is a bit like watching Doctor Who. I quite enjoy it but if I'm absolutely honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

Genetically modified ‘Superbroccoli’ has gone on sale in the UK today. It'll be flying off the shelves!

I sez to the missus, "You look like you've put on some weight." She curtly informed me, "Tell me summat I don't know." I replied, "Salad tastes really nice.".....

Quantitative easing is where the government prints more money to put into the economy when conventional monetary policy has become ineffective. Mickey Thomas got 3 years in the nick for the same thing. I see we're going to have another round of quantitative easing. Or as they're calling it, QE2. I suppose it'll keep us afloat.

I treated the missus to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say, I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't muck about.\

I was astonished to hear last week that Robbie Williams is leaving Take That yet again. I thought he was 'Back for Good'...

During Dickensons Real Deal yesterday afternoon, I gazed at the 19th century solid oak bureau in the corner of my dining room and thought: ' Maybe that is where the Sky remote is.'

I was staring out the window when my wife said, "It looks very different doesn't it?" "Yeah, normally the green grassy bit is at the bottom, whereas the blue cloudy bit is up the top end." After a long pause she asked, "What are you thinking, darling?" "I'm thinking, why did I let you drive?"

Last week, I went to Blockbusters and got a Carlos Tevez DVD, but it won't play....

Thought For Thursday: Okay, now you might call it being a lazy git, However, I call it selective participation....

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving. As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home. Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner And a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back! On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.

A baby snake looks at his dad and says "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "cos I've just bit my tongue!"

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.Comedian.ws and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!

Tevez Latest!!

2011-10-03T04:26:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: Carlos Tevez is to open his own chain of sandwich shops. It is to be called: SubNoWay...

“Hello. You are through to PC World Technical Support. This is Sheila speaking. How can I help?” ”I can’t find the net.” “Okay, a couple of questions first, your name please sir.” “Fernando Torres.”

We all possess individual talents and display different quirks and idiosyncrasies. For instance, I am absolutely brilliant in the bedroom department. This is because I worked for twenty-odd years at Ikea.

Whilst sauntering down the High Street yesterday, I spotted a sign in a shop window that said, "Watch Batteries Replaced Here." So I went in and said, "Go on, then."

Quote of the week: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns.

This morning on The Jeremy Kyle Show there was this fella being totally belittled and castigated by his missus. It was so embarrassing. It was obvious who wore the tracksuit bottoms in their marriage.

The missus and I walked past a very expensive restaurant in the town centre. As we passed, she remarked, "Oooh, did you smell that food, it smelled really lovely." I looked at her little face and took her by the hand and replied, “Come on then," and we walked past it again. She has become most inquisitive too. Last week she asked me what I was doing on the computer. "I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied. "Oh that's great, love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look." I was quite surprised. She usually isn't that interested in darts.

I got a strange text this evening from a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who is this?" I got a message back saying, "I’m your worst f***ing nightmare!" Which left me rather perplexed, because the missus was sitting next to me and she hadn't moved the whole time.

I put a load of the wife's old clothes in a charity bag outside the house this morning and got a knock on the door an hour later. "We can't take these, sir," he said "Why, what's wrong with them?" I asked, "Your wife's still wearing them."

I fully realise that laughter isn't for everyone. It's only for folk who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. Exercise your guffaw glands today! Have a chortle on me! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

The Moon Belongs To Everyone....

2011-09-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

The missus sez "You only want to give me one when you're pissed." I replied,   "That's not true, sometimes I fancy a Kebab".....

Crimewatch Latest: Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the last week. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.

I sez to my dyslexic mate, "You'll never guess which band have split up." He thought for a minute and replied, "ERM....."

A geezer goes into the local library and sez, 'Have you got any books about Jedward?' The librarian replies, 'Yes, we do have one . But will you bring it back?'   'But of course I will'. replies the fella. 'In that event,' says the librarian, 'You're not f***ing borrowing it'

The missus texted me saying: 'What are you doing right now?'   I texted back saying: "Probably failing my driving test." The wife can talk for England. She's fluent in Urdu, Polish and Arabic.

A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, "Do you know anything about cars?" I said, "I know a bit." She said, "Could you look at mine and see what you think?" I said, "Of course." After inspecting the car for about twenty minutes I said, "Yeah, it's quite nice."

A pal of mine who established a thousand island and guacamole salad dressing manufacturing business has just gone bankrupt. So now we know for sure that we are in a double dip recession.

Ask a stoopid question...

Q) What do you call a Teletubby who has just been burgled?
A) Tubby.

Got a birthday card from Moonpig this morning. Or the mother-in-law as she likes to be called.

They say with age comes wisdom. Well I’ve got the age thing sorted - when can I expect the wisdom to kick in?

I had difficulty accessing facebook yesterday, so I called my mate Brian who is an IT dude and PC fixer technician. "Have you tried disabling cookies?" he politely enquired. I thought for a moment and replied, "No, but I once bit the head off a gingerbread man..."

My Wife just said, "Look at this, I've had it since we got married twenty years ago and it still fits me". I said "Very nice, now go and hang your Scarf back up ".   I had my phone stolen yesterday. It had nude pictures of the missus on it. The thief returned it within an hour!

I think more riots are starting. I was walking home from work and there were cars dumped all over the place and smashed to bits. So be careful if you're going past the Women's Institute.

A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here."   The atom didn't react.

Why do people still say 'sound as a pound'? The pound is far from sound at the moment. You don't hear Italians going around saying 'securo as a Euro', do you? But you can aquire more hilarious gubbins from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: www.Comedian.ws

2012 London Olympic Postcard Selection...

2011-09-06T04:41:00.000-07:00

Breakfast in bed...

2011-08-31T00:47:00.000-07:00

The missus fetched me breakfast in bed early this morning. "Many happy returns!" She announced. Somewhat perplexed, I replied, "It ain't my birthday." "I know," she screamed, nonchalantly pouring a cafetiere of boiling hot coffee into my lap, "It's mine, you absent-minded cretin!" I must admit that I have become rather forgetful of late. I forgot to go to the gym yesterday. That's fifteen years on the trot now!

Sir Alex Ferguson sends Arsene Wenger a message asking him to come up to Old Trafford. The next day Arsene goes up to Manchester. He walks into the boardroom and is greeted by Sir Alex. Arsene says, "I've heard a rumour you're retiring soon. Do you want me to step into your shoes?" Sir Alex says, "No... I just wanted to show you what a shed load of trophies look like."

The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she whined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting. Mind you, she really let her hair down last night. She's only gone and dyed it ginger....

Large crystal ball for sale. £40, but you will knock me down to £28.50.

On the home improvement front, I've just had a state of the art electronic garage door installed. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears the wifes voice. To be honest, I ain't seen it shut yet...

I think more riots are starting. I was walking home from work and there were cars dumped all over the place and smashed to bits. So be careful if you're going past the Women's Institute.

In a moment of madness, while the wife was away, I took this girl back to the house, "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she opined. "What gives you that idea?" I asked. "The scissors" she replied.

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents and behave themselves in a proper fashion when Tarzan lives half-naked, Cinderella stops out until midnight, Pinocchio is an inveterate liar, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at excessive speeds, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with seven stange blokes. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from story books. Typical innit! Especially regarding GCSE's, when they text each other thus: "Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro." I think I can tell you your English result already if you want....

Thought for Thursday: Marriage is betting someone half your money and possessions, that you'll love them forever.

They say you can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example if it's in a ditch, then it most probably belongs to a woman. Further examples of rapier wit, funny jokes, hilarious diatribes and gear to get yer guffaw glands going can be found at my website: www.Comedian.ws. email me: comedianuk@sky.com.

An inveterate namedropper...

2011-08-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

If women controlled the world....

Whilst shopping in Tesco yesterday, I was surprised to bump into Bono from U2. I said "Alright mate?" and he warbled "No, I still haven't found what I am looking for". The plot thickened. I spied Paul Simon in the Post Office, he was buying TV licence stamps. I said "Hey Paul, what was that song you recorded in the eighties?" "You can call me Al" he curtly informed me. "Okay Al, what was that song you did in the eighties?"
You would never believe who I met in Greggs. Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals. He told me that he might be moving to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there. Fascinating!

Took the sprog Susannah out to Manchester. We went to see Disney On Ice. Neither of us were impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer.

Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,

Two in the front seats and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,

but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The efficient copper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask is everyone in this car OK?” These women seem awfully shaken,

And they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer..... We've just come off the A120."

A bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield police station and nicked all the Sat-Navs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.

Two blondes were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. First blonde sez to the other, “these are moose tracks” the other replies” No, they’re not you Bozo, these are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.

I had a potentially embarrassing moment yesterday. I bumped into my father at a brothel in the centre of town. . It all turned out ok though. He was only there to pick up my mum.

Thought for Thursday: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.

I am working away now for the next few weeks, so this column will return in the autumn. Enjoy the rest of the monsoon and we’ll touch base again when all the trees are bereft of their foliage. You can get a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.Comedian.ws and remember that the moon belongs to everyone. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com

If women controlled the world....

Post hoc ergo propter hoc....

2011-08-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

All the fighting, smashing windows and looting has ruined the summer for me. I'll be glad when the kids go back to school! I hear on the grapevine that looting may have occurred at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is now only one trophy left in the cabinet. Moreover, Roberto Mancini is looking for a house in Manchester. He dosen’t want anything too flash. Just a two up - three down will do.

The police stopped a Scouser on a moped with a fifty inch widescreen plasma TV, with surround sound. The efficient copper sez “What’s all this then?” The Scouser replied, “It’s me Sat Nav.”

The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down the High Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy stare she gave me would have stopped a clock! Looks like I’ll be kipping on the sofa for the next few days/weeks/months. It dosen’t bother us lads. It’s just like camping innit!

Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and urinated on my front lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him!

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

The sprog Susannah wanted me to find her a summer job. She asked me to check with my friends, my business associates. Then she asked me to run off a hundred copies of her resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Part-Time Employment section of the newspaper. I asked her how she wanted to describe herself in the ad. She said, "A self-starter!" You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Five Pearls of Wisdom to Remember:

1) Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley Turbo than it is on a moped.

2) Forgive your enemy, but always remember the blackguard’s name.

3) Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4) Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5) Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Mr. Tickle was really excited about marrying his girlfriend Tess. Tess, however, wasn't too sure about her new name!

I was watching the women's golf earlier. They couldn't drive, but boy, could they use an iron !

Thought for Thursday: Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know!

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!

Can you spot the 4th Friend in the pic above?

Aromatic fragrances used to stimulate sales!

2011-08-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sense of Freshness....

Recently a new supermarket opened in Manchester, UK.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts misting, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

Of course, I don't buy my bog rolls from here...

Riots Latest!! ~ Cameron asserts authority...

2011-08-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: Riot Latest!! Manchester Gay Village is on fire. Police and fireman are at the scene, together with a construction worker, a red indian and a cowboy...

In an effort to calm things in Tottenham, Spurs manager Harry Redknapp has signed several new 'ethnic' players ahead of their game against Everton on Saturday. - Olaf a De Fires, French international Andrei Grabatelly, German winger Nick De Cashtill and the Japanese twins Rio Ting and Lou Ting.

Wheres that f***ed up Norwegian guy who likes shooting teenagers en masse when you need him?

ITV: Next week on Jeremy Kyle Show ~ " i fink my gf cheated while i was out rioting.'"

Banana Army sent in to stop looters....

2011-08-10T04:49:00.000-07:00

It didn't work though....

More Riots & Looting....

2011-08-10T04:33:00.000-07:00

The looting has continued at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is only one trophy left in the cabinet...

It's official! The recession is over! Shops across the UK have reported stock flying off the shelves at an unprecedented rate...

Breaking News: Riots, thieving & looting across the UK! The citizens of London call it ' Totally appalling'. People in Birmingham say 'it's a disgrace'. Liverpool call it 'Monday'....

Bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield POLICE STATION and nicked all the SatNavs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.

Reports suggest 150 looters have broken into Birmingham City's "St. Andrews" football ground. Club officials are asking if this can be used as a record attendance...

Manchester City owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan has asked manager Roberto Mancini how close he is to a premier league winning side. Mancini replied "About 5 miles away"...

Things are quiet on the comedy front, so I’ve just got a temporary job. Washing dishes. Unfortunately, it's at Jodrell Bank.

The missus said she's leaving me because I never listen to her properly. Meat pie, chips, and mushy peas, I replied.

Two blondes were walking through the bush when they came across some tracks.One blonde says to the other " these are moose tracks " the other replies " they're not you Bozo, they are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.

Red sky at night ~ Shepherds delight? Nope. Red sky at night ~ Londons on fire! (Plus Manchester/Nottingham/Birmingham) I pray that all my friends will live as long as the DFS fire sale continues! You too can discover the elixir of mirth by visiting my all new joke blog. Click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. You can also gizza tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk . Nick Clegg, Listen up! Get sweeping up that debris! Davey
Cameron is-a-comin'!

Odd Job Man....

2011-08-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

I was in my local pub, the ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, celebrating my £100 million windfall on the lottery when the ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, "Sure, it's the least I can do." She said, "What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much" I said, "Alright love, calm down. Do you want Fosters or Carling?"

I hear on the grapevine that Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon has divorced his third wife. He reckons he needed more space!

Having accompanied the missus for her annual check up, while she was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to me, "I don't like the way she looks." "Neither do I," I sez. " But she's good with the kids”.

Discovery of a new diet. This one definitely works. - Just fill up your car with petrol and you won't be able to afford to buy any food!

An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he'd only done 1,3,5,and 7.

I know how to reduce unemployment in Britain. Raise the school-leaving age to 46 !

One afternoon a solicitor was travelling in his Bentley Turbo when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop the car and got out to investigate. He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer proclaimed. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he sez, "You may come with us too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, began grovelling and said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring all of them along," the solicitor answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Bentley was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and sez, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is over two feet high!"

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market,

I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.

Thought for Thursday: Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has two of them and they usually stink.

If you need a smile, then text me. If you need a laugh, why not call me. If you need a hug, come round to my house. If you need money; then my number does not exist! You can visit my website though. Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com or send us a tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk

Hat & Coat Time....

2011-07-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: Miracle Occurs in Liverpool Off-Licence!

Last night, I was stood at the bar in my local pub, The ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, when this gorgeous girl came up beside me. Looking her up and down, I said, "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together." She said, "No fatty, I'd put U at the back of the Q!" Oh dear, hat and coat time already. Start the car!

If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear! Fascinating!

Q.which film star appeared in seven films and wore the same coat in all seven.

A) Lassie.

I hear on the grapevine that after his embarrassing defeat against Wladimir Klitschko, David Haye is off on holiday. Apparently, he’s going to Krackatoa.

I finished the Times crossword in eight minutes flat yesterday! Fourteen across was rather cryptic. However, it turned out to be, ' Dumphlouob.'

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm too much of an exhibitionist. Well, I'll show her!

Yesterday, I spied my next door neighbour Barmy Albert in Manchester. He was queuing outside a cinema for six hours to see the film, 'Closed for Refurbishment.'

Little Wayne and Sharon are only eleven years old, but they know they are truly, madly, deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Wayne goes to Sharon’s dad to ask him for permission. Wayne gamely strolls up to him and opines, "Mr. Jones, me and Shazza are truly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the loveliest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Wayne, you are only eleven years old, where will the both of you live?" Without the blink of an eye, Wayne sez, "In Sharon’s room. It's much larger than my bedroom and we can both fit in there quite snugly." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Jones replies with a huge smile, "Okay, then how will you exist? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Sharon." Once more, Wayne instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Shazza gets five quid a week and I get a fiver too. That's forty quid a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Jones is really impressed that Wayne has done a lot of forward planning and put so much thought into this. "Well Wayne, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Wayne just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." “Hmmmm”, thought Mr Jones. “All of a sudden, the little brat ain’t so cute!”

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this column for a start! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

M60 Rules okay....

2011-07-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

From Private Eye (again!)

Whilst driving down the M60 yesterday, my daughter Susannah sez: "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why makes you say that ?" I asked. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".

The Epstein Syndrome...

2011-06-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

from Private Eye

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.

He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, intending never to be seen in his home town again. However, decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but to tell you the truth an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too. Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

The Great Mysteries of Golf...

2011-06-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

"Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk." Grantland Rice

"If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is."
Horace G. Hutchinson

"Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one."

Author Unknown

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
Mark Twain

"Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them."
Jimmy DeMaret

"May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters."
Author Unknown

"The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
George Deukmejian

"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. "
Robert Lynd

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that."
Gardner Dickinson

"If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death."
Sam Snead

"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."
William Wordsworth

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
Dean Martin

"I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced."
Author Unknown

"My handicap? Woods and irons."
Chris Codiroli

"I'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them! "
Author Unknown

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."
Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
Author Unknown

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Author Unknown

When The Trouble Started....

2011-06-21T04:37:00.000-07:00

The missus and I were having an argument and we were both unwilling to admit we might be wrong. In an attempt to reconcile, she said to me, "I'll admit I'm wrong, if you admit I'm right." I agreed and being a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she sez. "You're right!" I replied. That’s when the trouble started.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!

When I was in the pub last night, I overheard a couple of morons saying they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist idiots! I mean it’s not like she has to reverse the flamin’ thing is it!

‎When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Barmy Albert and his wife Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I'd like to ride in that helicopter" Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don't say a word, I won't charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn't. I'm so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”

So Sylvester Stallone gets into the World Boxing Hall of Fame for pretending to be a boxer.

Does that mean that Audley Harrison will be inducted too?

The missus described me as 'foxy,' I was quite chuffed until she went on and said I was a smelly, sly, devious scallywag that rifles through bin-bags and fouls up the lawn.

Thought for Thursday: We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Various Gubbins...

2011-06-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

The Circle of Life...

We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!

Emile Heskey turned up at Leicester City's training ground with a rucksack on. The security guard stopped him, asking what was in the rucksack. ''Counterfeit tickets, a bomb and a gun'' replied Emile. ''Thank fuck for that'' replied the security guard, ''I thought you’d brought your boots'

Ryan Giggs had an affair with a girl off Big Brother, then yet another dalliance with a girl off little brother. Apparently his family in Wales are so pissed off with him, when he walks in the room they start speaking English. Incredible!

Apparently, ITV have had to stop broadcasting the original car insurance ad featuring Iggy Pop. This is because the insurers have a policy against giving car insurance to celebrities, thereby creating a conflict of interest. I don't even understand why Iggy Pop needs car insurance... he's the passenger!

A blonde goes into a greengrocers and asks for 5lb of potatoes. “It's kilos now" says the grocer. "That’s alright’’ says the blonde, "Give us 5lb of kilos then!"

The wife wants a divorce. It’s because of my obsession with 70’s pop group ‘The Monkees.’ I thought she was only kidding at first. But then I saw her face....

Andy Murray has got a new sponsor, namely, Solvite Wallpaper Paste. It would look great on paper, but bobbins on any other surface.

Manchester United fans have MUTV. Chelsea fans have Chelsea TV. Arsenal fans have Arsenal TV. Liverpool will have to be content with The History Channel. Liverpool fans can now relish European football next season, when they play away to Swansea...

Once upon a time, a man asked a magical fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. So she turned him into a credit card.

The private health consultant gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the consultant gave him another six months. Innit grand when yer skint!

I did a gig at an old folks home. They were a tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my knock-knock jokes til I showed 'em some I D...

My pal started cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises..

Thought for Thursday: I saw my shrink today. I'm now 3ft smaller.

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: www.comedian.ws or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me!

Giggs Latest!!

2011-06-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

Ryan Giggs shagged a bird off Big Brother, then another off little brother...

Ecoli found in Spinach!!

2011-06-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

How unlucky is my friend ? She hasn't had relationship with a man for many years because she feared contracting a transmitted disease and now she has caught ecoli from a cucumber !!!!!

E-Coli Latest!

2011-06-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

The school Career's Advisor asked Barmy Albert to call him regarding his teenage son. "Frankly," he said, "Your son is rude, churlish,vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic..... We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct”

I asked the missus to record something for me on ITV2 +1. She recorded ITV3. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

BBC News: E-Coli Scare! Britons warned to stay away from cucumber, lettuce and tomato for the time being. What’s the salad guy at Subway gonna ask everyone now?

Get Yer Dongle Out!!

2011-06-06T05:32:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday morning, the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) and I were quiet and thoughtfully reflecting around the breakfast table when I said to her , "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately. "Now why would you want me to do summat like that?" she asked."Well, I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other tosser going through my personal belongings.” "She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another tosser?"

My neighbour Barmy Albert is inconsolable. His wife (Non-Stick Nora) has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley collection AND the satellite dish. Poor bastard. No Woman. No Sky!!

The missus asked me “What do you love about me?” I looked at her and replied, “ADEFGHIJK” She looked at me and opined, “What do they mean” I answered “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot...” The missus sez “Aww, that’s lovely and what about IJK?” I replied, “I’m Just Kidding!”

Futuristic Calculations: If perchance, Ryan Giggs’ wife decides she is going to court to get fifty per cent of everything that he owns, then it stands to reason that she will have six more league medals than Steven Gerrard. Fascinating!

Q) Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?

A) It said "concentrate" on it

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his solicitor. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?" "It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, " Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

I walked into a car showroom last night and said to the salesman, "The missus would like to talk to you about the Audi A5 that you have in the window". He said, "We don't have an Audi A5 in the window". I curtly informed him, "You do now"...

I got the missus a bag of peat compost for her birthday, and she chucked it at me in a rage! Typical woman, you give them the earth and they throw it back in your face!

Have you heard about the new language on Google Translate? No? It’s called Cheryl Cole...

Thought for Thursday: I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. – James Thurber.

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggar's cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, and Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com

For Your Information....

2011-05-22T08:46:00.001-07:00

Man City New Shirt Sponsor...

2011-05-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

The missus (or Shrek in a frock as I lovingly refer to her) came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and waddled into the bedroom. She sez to me "Darling, would you kindly shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me with no clothes on". "Don't worry" I replied, "When the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own f***in' curtains!”

I rang PC World technical services, because I was having difficulties with my computer. I told her the problem. She sez 'right click, go to tools-internet options- accounts, then properties'. I sez 'hang on, slow down, I can't keep up with all this!' She sez, 'What have you done up to now?' I replied, 'I've written click'....

All this technology gubbins drives ya doo-lally! I was watching a DVD last night and it had that bit at the beginning about copyright and piracy saying, "You wouldn't steal a car, would you?." Well putting that into perspective, I might consider nicking a car if I could download it! That’s my problem, I have kleptomania, when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Manchester City today confirmed that the open top bus route with the FA Cup will take them past IKEA in Ashton-under-Lyne, where they will stop off to pick up a trophy cabinet!

They should have built the new Wembley Stadium in Manchester. The southerners obviously have no proper use for it. Pass it on!

It's was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

My grandad's going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, "I don't care, as long as it gets me to the hospital."

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: Austin.knight@homecall.co.uk.

It must be a 'MAN' thing...

2011-05-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "They had eggs."

Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3x3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. "Wicked!" he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can get away from him, no mither!" thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes."Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyll for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off." Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the bobby.

I ordered Pelican Tandoori at my local Indian restaurant last night. It was delicious, but the bill was enormous!

I sez to my dentist "What would you recommend for yellow teeth?" She replied "How about a brown tie"...

Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.

Always observe proper etiquette. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

So, I said to this woman, “Did you know that Halley's comet takes seventy-six years to travel once around the sun?” "Get out of here," she exclaimed. "It's true," I replied," Furthermore, did you know that Mozart was only five years old when he wrote the music of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." "No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets!”

In my local newsagent yesterday, I asked the lady behind the counter, "Do you sell Bereavement cards?" She replied "Yes, sir." So I asked, "Could I exchange this ‘Get Well Soon’ card I bought last week?"

Thought for Thursday: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire lane of cars teams up to prevent some heretic from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers, Mottram is ours!

Two things that you MUST do today: Smile and laugh. You cannot whack a good chortle!

Visit my website and Jokey-Blog and get your guffaw glands going!

Click on www.ComedianUK.com austin.knight@homecall.co.uk

Man City 0

2011-05-10T06:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, whilst perusing an internet betting site, I noticed that Manchester City are 17/2 to win the Premier League NEXT season! For anyone who cannot comprehend the idiosyncrasies of betting odds, this effectively means that if you bet £50, you will lose £50.

More Osama Jokes...

2011-05-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

There is already a new drink out to commemorate the events on May 1st. The new drink is called the "Bin Laden" and it consists of 2 shots and a splash of water!

anagram of osama bin laden is, "lob man in da sea"

Reports are coming in that Osama Bin Laden had converted to Hinduism before he died. Eyewitnesses reported seeing a red dot on his forehead just before he was shot.

Sir Elton John is to release a single following the death of osama bin laden "sandles in the bin" will be released next week

I bet Bin Laden wished he'd never filled that f**kin' census form in now!

There is already a new drink out to commemorate the events on May 1st. The new drink is called the "Bin Laden" and it consists of 2 shots and a splash of water!

Osama Bin Laden they could not find him in the mountains,they could not find him in the desert,they could not find him in the caves of Borra Borra,where did they find him? --in his house

Osama Bin Laden has just broadcast a public message on Al Jazira TV to prove he is still alive. He said " Everton were shit on Saturday". However, US intelligence sources have dismissed it saying he could have recorded it anytime in the last 10 years.

What does Kate Middleton have in common with Osama Bin Laden ? Last Sunday they both had their back doors smashed in and shot in the face by a bloke in the

£50 million joke!

2011-04-21T01:03:00.000-07:00

“Hello. You are through to PC World Technical Support.

This is Tracey speaking. How can I help?”

''I can’t find the net.''

“Ok, a couple of questions first.

Your name please sir?”

''Fernando Torres...''

Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it!

2011-04-02T02:33:00.000-07:00

I got my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, and gazed at my countenance with the utmost disdain, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean networks. Unfortunately, this enabled iNag App which kicked in, and in turn corrupted the iShag function. Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it!

The missus (Not even a sniper would take her out!) curtly informed yours truly that she wants a divorce. “You think more about Manchester United, than you do about me,” she extemporised. She’s really got it all wrong. I think more about Manchester City than I do about her!

Last week, whilst visiting the art gallery in Manchester, I was admiring a rather Rubenesque oil painting of a naked woman, her modesty covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but I stayed put, continuing to admire this great work of art. The missus asks, "What are you hanging around for?" I replied, "Autumn.”

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stoopid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life." All this free advice, with no strings attached! If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving innit!

Alas, Eddie Stobart, founder of the famous logistics company is no more. I have long been a ‘Stobart Spotter’ as I navigate the hallowed tarmacadam of the United Kingdom infrastructure, indeed and I have done for many years. Although Eddie is no longer with us, I shall continue to be a Stobart anorak forever more as I zip hither and thither about the labyrinth of our motorway network. I spotted 158 last week alone, at £1 for every truck, that’s a lot of beer tokens! A film of his life is planned. I saw the trailer last week.

Fascinating Fact No 1: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Fascinating Fact No 2: It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Thought for Thursday: If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

Gaddafi Latest!! Scots Want to Quiz Libyan Defector.

2011-04-01T06:09:00.001-07:00

Essex Hurricane Appeal...

2011-03-31T02:41:00.000-07:00

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident -Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots. Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans Ice cream Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of9 £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex, oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

Funeral Joke...

2011-03-28T04:41:00.000-07:00

While my missus and I were shopping, a shapely young woman in a short, tight-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black Hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Join the queue."

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck?' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just £15.' So the parents began to shout even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen quid?' they asked. 'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen pounds'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on. ' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy; to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen quid and demanded to know why she did it. 'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Rhyll with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new

Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.' (Are women good or what?)

Have you ever wished for a clean and shine polishing product that would shift the canker from a rabid armadillo’s snout and make it really gleam? Yes? Then you need to get yourself a Lifebuoy! Reorganize your priorities, firstly visit my website www.Comedian.ws, it ain't gonna hurt, is it?

How To look Good Naked...

2011-03-19T03:38:00.000-07:00

The missus (She talks through her nose, coz her gob is worn out!) is on the warpath! Some lowlife blackguard has stolen her knickers off the washing line. It’s not the knickers that she is annoyed about, but the twenty four clothes pegs that got nicked as well. What exacerbated this most unfortunate farrago even more, is the fact that she sent a photograph and applied to go on 'How To Look Good Naked. ' Yesterday, she received a rejection letter from Channel 4, but they’d like to know if she'd consider 'Scapheap Challenge.' I must say though, that we both share the same sense of humour. We have to. She ain’t got one!

I went into a corner shop in Liverpool last week, picked up a chocolate bar and sez “How much is this, love?” The girl behind the counter replied, “You’re not from round here are you?”

There are three kinds of men: Men who learn by reading. Men who gain knowledge through observation. All the rest of us seem to possess an irresistible urge to touch a ‘Wet Paint’ sign just to find out for ourselves. Personally, I've literally turned my life around. I used to be very argumentative and quite conceited. Now I'm very conceited and quite argumentative.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Albert stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Albert?' 'No, miss, I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' She noticed that Albert wasn't too strong on his maths. She called him and said, 'Albert What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Albert quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'

I reckon there are two theories to arguing with a woman and I have found that neither of them works. A woman has the last word in every argument. Anything a man sez is the beginning of a new argument. So never miss a good chance to shut up.

In response to Fulham's decision to erect a Michael Jackson statue, Arsenal are now planning on putting up a new statue outside their own ground. A lifesize replica of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen will be placed outside, with the plaque reading: "Let's have a look at what you could have won!"

Women always maintain that we men are useless at multi-tasking. Personally, I can talk and annoy someone at the same time!

I simply cannot wait for the London 2012 Olympics. Tickets went on sale this week, so I applied immediately. I’ve just received two x 100 metre tickets yesterday. You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in!

Fascinating Fact: In 2011, this year, July has five Fridays, five Saturdays, and five Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years. Fascinating!

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!

Multi-National, International Joke...

2011-03-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

An englishman, an irishman, a scotsman, a latvian, a turk, an aussie, a yank, an egyptian, a jap, a mexican, a spaniard, a greek, a russian, an estonian, a german, an italian, a pole, a lithuanian, a swede, a finn, an israeli, a romanian, a bulgarian, a serb, a czech, and a swiss went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"

Will I Live to be 80?

2011-03-10T03:29:00.000-08:00

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned fifty.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Top 100 Reasons Why Its Good To Be A Bloke...

2011-03-08T04:40:00.000-08:00

I have seen this quite a few times, but never a full 100.

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Film & TV nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase.
5. Match of the Day.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Queues for the toilet are 90% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
11. When channel surfing, you don't have to pause on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Geezers in balacalava's don't rape you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. People expect you to masturbate.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You can fart with impunity.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet. Or oven.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is a fiver for a three pack.
33. You understand why Sponge Bob Square Pants is funny.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody gives a shit.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You don't have to bother having a proper conversation with your mates down the pub.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can understand the offside rule in football.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt in the rain.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can boast about the number of people you've slept with.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Justi Bieber doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your flat if the Bristish Gas are coming to service the boiler.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You can remember the punchlines to jokes.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress £1000; Morning suit hire £50.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. You can sit in a pub on your own without plonkers trying to cop off with you.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your pal when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck 'em all!"
88. If an other bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong pals.
89. You can teach your friend's children swear words.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're 'not in the mood'.
92. You think the idea of annoying a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with you mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. You can't get pregnant.

Identical Twins Joke...

2011-03-03T01:05:00.000-08:00

This girl from Wigan finds out she's pregnant. She's only 16. Even worse, it's twins.

After much soul-searching, she has the babies, which turn out to be identical. She then gives them up for adoption.

Time passes, and many years later her maternal instincts drive her to find out what happened to them.

Following a great deal of research she discovers that one of them was adopted by a Spanish couple, and was christened Juan. The other was adopted by an Egyptian couple and named Amal.

She manages to trace the Spanish couple, and contacts them. They send her a photograph of the boy, who is now a fine young man.

Unfortunately, she is unable to discover the whereabouts of the Egyptian couple.

As she sits in her mother's house in Wigan, she looks lovingly at the photo of her long-lost son.

"Oh, Mother," she says, "I'm so happy to be able to see one of my sons, but how I wish I could also see his brother as he is today."

"Don't worry," says her mother, "they're identical. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I thank you.

Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's

2011-03-02T04:44:00.000-08:00

Women's car insurance to cost same as a drunk, blindfolded monkey's
01-03-11
WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.

This has never happenedThe European Court of Justice has ruled that car insurance premiums should not be subject to discrimination based on species, sobriety or blindfolds, even when it is a stunningly good idea.

But motoring organisations have questioned the decision claiming state-of-the-art computer modelling predicted a higher degree of accident risk if a vehicle is being driven by a colobus monkey who has discovered cars and vodka jelly on the same day and would love to drive at 90mph through a school playground.

A spokesman for the AA said: "There is a popular but completely unwarranted image of women driving while applying make-up, chatting on the phone or steering with their feet while reading one of those magazines that used to be a lovely tree.

"Whereas it does seem fairly obvious that pissed-up monkeys shouldn't be driving cars."

He added: "The fact is most women are very careful drivers, apart from my wife, who's an utter fucking maniac."

The ruling will mean a 50% increase in premiums for women, a move which insurance companies said would unfairly punish consumers and force them to make more money.

The case was brought by Stevenage motorist Brian Aviva, who claimed his wife should get exactly the same fantastic deal as he does.

Mr Aviva's lawyer said: "My client and his wife are delighted that their disposable income will now drop by around £200 a year."

Wayne Hayes, a 17 year-old capuchin monkey from Hatfield, said: "The only difference between me and my female friends is that they seem to have no interest in ramming into a minibus full of children.

"And I don't see why I should be penalised just because I'm a monkey who wants to see how fast my car goes when it's upside down."

SUBSCRIBE TO THE DAILY MASH!!!
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/women%27s-car-insurance-to-cost-same-as-a-drunk%2c-blindfolded-monkey%27s-201103013586/

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE...

2011-03-02T04:09:00.000-08:00

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Monkey Joke...

2011-03-02T04:05:00.000-08:00

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
Sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it Whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate.. Then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it..

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." !!!

The Schnauzer ~ c/o Max Miller...

2011-03-02T01:31:00.000-08:00

My next-door neighbour is half American and half Iraqi. He is his own worst enemy.

My other neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Immac" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Immac" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

TAX....

2011-03-02T01:03:00.001-08:00

How true is this. Scary At first I thought this was funny....Then I realised the awful truth of it.
Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed.

Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway!

Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think.

Tax his car, Tax his fuel, Find other ways To tax the fool.

Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers; Then tax him some more, Tax him till He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid.

When he's gone, Do not relax, It’s time to apply The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And Now they want a bloody Carbon Tax !

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the
most prosperous in the world.. We had absolutely no national debt, had a
large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

The Comeback...

2011-02-28T07:16:00.000-08:00

Which is the male of the species?

The Comeback....

Over many years in showbiz, I have had the good fortune to work with many icons and luminaries of the silver screen. I fondly recollect working with the great Shakespearian actor, Warwick Hunt. He truly suffered for his art. After many successful years playing leading roles in Hollywood, an unforseen problem suddenly manifested itself, and virtually destroyed his career as a renowned and respected thespian. He could no longer remember his lines. This situation, coupled with sporadic bouts of stage fright served only to compound this most unfortunate predicament.

Finally, after more than a decade in the wilderness, he discovered a theatre that was prepared to give him another chance to shine once more.

Everard Farquaharson, the theatre director explained, "This is the most important part in the play, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then deliver the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor was thrilled. All day long before the play he continually rehearsed his line over and over again. Suddenly, the time came to perform, and his opportunity of a return to stardom beckoned. He was nervous, but confident.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion and fire delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, the curtain fell. The director was incandescent with rage!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was most bewildered, "What happened…… did I forget my line?"

"NO!" the director screamed,

"YOU FORGOT THE BLOODY ROSE!"

www.Comedian.ws

Prostate Examination...

2011-02-24T01:47:00.001-08:00

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Choosing a wife...

2011-02-21T05:04:00.000-08:00

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to
be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her ...........

........then HE MARRIED THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST TITS !

NOTE!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The wife asked me....

2011-02-21T03:26:00.000-08:00

The missus asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was wide awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

**********************************************************************************

Levels of stress:
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful!
But at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that
you are going to be father. You say that you are not the father,
but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and
probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

Arthritis Joke:

2011-02-21T01:59:00.000-08:00

A drunk man who smelled like a brewery sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
A half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon. "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
"The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Tech Support (But Not As We Know It!)

2011-02-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes,
such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable
programs such as rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.....................................................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command:
'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically
run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember -
overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to
Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work
better running one task at a time. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Confession Joke...

2011-02-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies: “Get out. You're on my side.”

The Secrets Of Marriage...

2011-02-15T09:09:00.001-08:00

The missus phoned me on Saturday, at the crack of noon. She was in a bit of a state and curtly informed me that I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Apparently, the mother-in-law was in a terrible way and about to shuffle off this mortal coil. I informed her that the Derby match was match live on TV. The missus reckoned that I could record it and watch it later. You should have seen the look on her face, when I turned up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod!

The secret to a lasting marriage is tools. Tools ~ internet options ~ delete history...

54 year old woman joke...

2011-02-10T03:11:00.000-08:00

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked "Is my time up?" Gabriel said, "No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn't you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?" Gabriel replied: " Shit! I didn't recognise you!”

His request approved, the BBC News photographer quickly used a mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let's go”. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I'm a photographer for the BBC” , he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.” The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?”

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!

FEB 10th 2011

Early last September, the local supermarket had all the Christmas stuff on display. On New Year’s Day, I was staggered to witness that Easter eggs were on the shelves. It gets worse! Although we have two weeks before Pancake Day, all the shops are full of flour, eggs & milk. It's ridiculous!!

Burns Night was two weeks ago, last week saw Chinese New Year. This week why don't we have Chinese Burns Night? The kids would love it!!

A Scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows the panel an antique blunderbuss shotgun and an old gamekeepers pouch. Duncan Bannatyne sez "And what is your idea?" The Scouser replied, "It's a very simple concept Duncan, just put all the f**kin' money in the bag"...

My New Year’s resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

Whenever the missus sez, "What do you think?" she is not asking for your opinion. She is asking for her opinion, from your mouth.

A woman was sitting at the bar of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, " I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for fifty quid, on one condition." Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £50 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said, “Paint my house”.

The sprog Susannah came thundering down the stairs, much to my annoyance. “Susannah," I opined, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs very quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and she reappeared in the living room. "That's better," I sez, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that?" "Suits me," she replied. "I slid down the bannister." It’s amazing isn’t it. You spend the first few years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next fourteen telling them to sit down and shut up!

Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com All you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.

New Wine from ASDA!!

2011-02-03T02:36:00.000-08:00

Asda is to offer it's own store-brand of wine. As part of Wal-Mart, the world's largest retail chain, Asda is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wine at an affordable price in the £2.00 - £3.50 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Asda brand into their shopping trolley, "but there is a huge market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Mickey, professor of marketing at the University of Leeds "However, the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names were:

Chateau Traileur Parc
White Trashfindel
I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
Grape Expectations
Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Asda Wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Squirrel) or red meat (Domestic Cat)

Note: This email maybe a hoax as everybody knows Domestic cat is not a red meat.

Other CHINESE products you might be interested in:

WARNING!! Tinned Squirrel May Contain Nuts.

AAAAAA Syndrome & Doctor Joke.

2011-02-02T04:08:00.001-08:00

A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into the room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."

BITCHES TO THE END...

2011-02-02T00:21:00.000-08:00

The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad
news. You have cancer,
and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked,
but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her
daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. So, let's head to the club and
have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a
little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were
eventually approached by
some of the woman's old friends, who were
curious as to what the two were
celebrating. The woman told her
friends they were drinking to her
impending end.

"I've been
diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a hasty
retreat.

After the friends left,
the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you
said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were
dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of
those bitches sleeping with your father after
I'm gone."

And
THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In
Order."

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Women are like phones:
They
like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong
button and your ass is disconnected.

Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?

2011-02-02T00:12:00.000-08:00

Who was the 3rd man in
history to walk on water?

The 1st one was Jesus..

The 2nd was the apostle, Peter.

Then there was Pedro...

God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything...

2011-01-26T23:32:00.001-08:00

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,

but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for

sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever havingto move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -

for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to camel dung.They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham.And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic EducatedKid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? ~ An In-Depth Study!

2011-01-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it,

he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for

change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he

recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all

the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that

little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely

qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this

countrygets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't

about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the

road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or

not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground

here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see

the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I

am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled

about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against

it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black

chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't

realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the

road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to

do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current

problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,

which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having

the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm

going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road

and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken,

but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the

road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You

can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken

was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs

when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any

insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a

toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not

been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see

the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my

friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay

too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination

that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the

other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and

as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will

be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming

story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to

accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads

together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only

Cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and

balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010.

This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the

road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Cuckoo Clock Joke...

2011-01-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Why females should avoid a girls' night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

My Prayer For 2011...

2011-01-26T23:08:00.001-08:00

Dear God,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN

The Washington Post ~ 'Style Invitational.'

2011-01-26T23:06:00.001-08:00

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational.'

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

Spaghetti Joke...

2011-01-26T23:02:00.001-08:00

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Lineswoman Sian Massey...

2011-01-26T03:07:00.000-08:00

Lineswoman Sian Massey's new nickname is 'Just For Men'. She was only used once and the Gray is gone!!

Marital advice from an expert...

2011-01-24T04:18:00.001-08:00

It is imperative for all us lads to remember, that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when
they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some
females are oversensitive and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. Let me relate how I handled the situation with the missus, (I call her ‘Narnia’, because she has hair like a lion, looks like a witch and she is the size of a wardrobe). When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Narnia to get a full-time job, both for extra income and primarily beer tokens.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the restaurant at the club, so eating out is not an option. I’m ready for some home cooked grub when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. She starts work early (she is a Gritter over Woodhead) I really think my experience as an entertainer helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do, in a jocular fashion; it’s one of my strong points. Now that she has gotten older, (she has a face like a pirate’s flag) she does seem to get tired so much more quickly.
Our washer and dryer are in the cellar. Sometimes she says she just
can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes all the laundry the next evening, I’m willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s lap-dancing club, or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling, or summat like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. It’s all a matter of getting her chores into perspective.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. When she’s taking out the rubbish, she remonstrates that it is too heavy, so I advise her to make three trips. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her at all (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

Ventriloquist Joke...

2011-01-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman.

'Hiya, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English twat.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Welshman: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep.

' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Welshman: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**king liar......!!'

Theoretically vs Realistically...

2011-01-19T00:59:00.000-08:00

A small boy says to his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two whores and a chutney ferret."

Missing Cat...

2011-01-17T07:06:00.001-08:00

So the story goes :
Shannon the Secretary has lost her cat and has asked David the Graphic Designer to help with a ‘lost cat’ poster.

This is their email correspondence…

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my area this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

That’s just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Mon! day 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but only after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have att ached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re! : Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Sub! ject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5563173528628401490" />

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

More Howard Webb...

2011-01-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine has a young lad who has got a trial soon at Old Trafford to see if he's up to scratch and whether Sir Alex eventually will use him. To be honest, it's the biggest day in any young referee's career. Especially last Sunday when Manchester United made one change as Mike Dean came in to replace the injured Howard Webb.

I am advising all my readers that I am available for the following: I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test and ascertain the effect of sudden wealth on an individual. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Top Tip No 25712: Always keep a few ‘Get Well’ cards on the sideboard. So if anyone calls they will think you've been ill & unable to clean. You can also send them to the off- licence to fetch more beer.

I had to escort Barmy Albert, my next-door neighbor, to the doctor’s surgery last week. The following day I spotted him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. He reckoned that the doctor told him “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' I curtly informed him that the doctor actually said, “You've got a heart murmur, be careful.”

The missus (I call her ‘three horses’ – Nag,nag,nag.) thinks she know everything, in fact, most women do. But wait! Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Footie.

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is his, she should use the strimmer.

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging. (3 horses).

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

Getting old is when:
1) Your friends compliment you on your new crocodile shoes and you're barefoot.
2) Your pacemaker opens the garage door.
3) Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
4) You don't care where the missus goes, just as long as you don't have to go along with her.
5) You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.
6) "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the B & Q car park.
7) An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee at 4am.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: Austin.knight@homecall.co.uk.

"I LOVE YOU" IN TEN LANGUAGES!!

2011-01-16T01:08:00.001-08:00

English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: It Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai In
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Australia: Nice tits-- Get in the Truck.

Is Sex Work?

2011-01-12T23:15:00.000-08:00

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep, so he was a little tired.

He next posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time..

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked, "how so"?

"Well, sir, It should go without saying, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

Webbs' Children Denial...

2011-01-11T05:35:00.000-08:00

Howard Webbs children have today categorically denied that their father is biased towards Manchester United and utterly refute any such scurrillous allegations.

Webbs children, Bobby, Giggsy, Wayne and Dimitar all said that he is hurt by these totally unfounded allegations.

ALEX FERGUSON PLANS TO 'REST REFEREE HOWARD WEBB'

2011-01-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

Howard Webb has been on United's books for several years now

Sir Alex Ferguson is planning to rest his star performer Howard Webb to prevent 'a needless injury' after his tireless work in yesterday's FA Cup victory over Liverpool. Webb awarded his own side a penalty, but he stood aside to allow a team mate to take it.

Mr Webb who secured his team's passage into the 4th round of the FA cup is said to be 'exhausted' following his Herculean efforts in providing his side with the winning goal by awarding them a 'completely deserved' penalty after Liverpool's Daniel Agger 'viciously kicked Berbatov in the head with a knife'.

Man United's 12th man Howard Webb, whose dressing room locker is right next to Rio Ferdinand's, said: "Yeah, it's a massive win for the me and the lads. The gaffer told us all in his pre-match talk to get in their faces, and work hard for each other. He reminded me to wait at least an hour before giving us a penalty or it could look suss, but I was just too excited and went for it a few seconds after I blew the starting whistle, however, I did wait a little longer than usual to send Stevie G off, to make up for it.

"I was thinking about taking the penalty myself, but then thought I should let one of the other lads take the glory for a change. It's a team sport after all, and I get embarrassed when people tell me I single-handedly win all the games I get picked to play in."

However, his boss, Alex Ferguson is concerned that if he continues playing his star man in every game he'll pick up a serious injury or may get exhausted towards the business end of the season.

"Howard's a great servant to the club," said Sir Alex. "And he's a real role model for the younger lads. He's always first on the training pitch in the morning and the last to leave. He practices pointing at the spot, and sending opponents off for hours on end. But I fear if he carries on at the same intensity he'll pick up an injury that could see him out for months.

"And that's a risk we can't take. He's just too important for us, his ratio of games played to penalties given is almost one per match, which are amazing stats."

Manchester United's club shop has just released its sales figures which indicate that 'Howard Webb' is now the most requested name on the back of their replica shirts, and that if his popularity grows they may be forced to rename the Stretford End in his honour by changing it to the 'Massive-Bell End', or MBE for short.

Belated Christmas Joke...

2011-01-11T05:03:00.000-08:00

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yeah - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.

Australian Cricket Jokes ~ The Height of Optimism...

2011-01-08T02:23:00.000-08:00

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?

A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?

A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?

A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will

come from.

Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?

A. Because they can get out without even trying.

www.ComedianUK.com

New Year 2011. The way things are...

2011-01-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

What an inauspicious start to 2011. I lent a pal of mine a few grand to have plastic surgery. Haven't seen him since, and I don't know what he looks like now!

You can tell it’s a new year, coz everyone’s trying to lose weight! After the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 50p for this bar of chocolate?" They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you two quid for it!"

Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak that language either, which prompted the man to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”

Q) What's the difference between Cinderella and an Australian cricketer?

A) Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.

My New Year Wish: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and F**ks off.

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed every five minutes!

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? I think we should be told!

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Plastic Surgery Arse Lift...

2011-01-06T01:38:00.000-08:00

Plastic surgery Arse lift

(Don't let any of your friends have this procedure!)

We have all heard of a face lift but how many of you will have heard of a plastic surgical procedure called an Arse lift.

I want to show you how it turns out.

Please, refrain from getting this procedure done.

You'll regret it!

Please see photo below...

2011-01-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who? “Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and how to avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake... No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f**ing widow."

Another Happy New Year 2011...

2011-01-03T03:18:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year 2011! Or not, as the case may be. The police came to my door on New Year’s Eve, holding a picture of the missus. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a serious road traffic accident" said the Officer... "I know" I said, "but she has a jovial personality!"

On New Year’s Day, several men are in the locker room of a local golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to earwig the conversation. Indeed, eavesdropping is de rigeur in most golf club locker rooms.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yeah."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Brilliant! Oh,and one more thing. I was just talking to Elsie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand
if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you make love?"
"I did once & he looked really angry." "Why angry?" "Because he was watching through the window!"

On New Years Day, I got so bladdered, that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the missus. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind. The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

In 2011, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. The important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year 2011 to both of my readers!!