tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21176310211570032302024-03-17T05:54:26.070-07:00Jokey-Bloggington...austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.comBlogger1169125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-85278615724350250002024-03-17T05:53:00.000-07:002024-03-17T05:53:35.668-07:00The Offside Rule Explained....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOFWRhp4B_w7cppnLgzssJER6Fmd_QGwNfDaEl2h-9MzQscfXJqqoTjkKE60LQMaBEdbReawf8gmLLS-QdAymkOR-X_lCNJwh5PgkhbHT__no2hJr2s-GF6DjpeusyOHW4ORzK0CIODCtH-cS1rmWOl3UvZI6gTEUdpbDOGQer9WMmXUzje2AeWWRD_qo/s640/Col%20140324.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="249" height="455" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOFWRhp4B_w7cppnLgzssJER6Fmd_QGwNfDaEl2h-9MzQscfXJqqoTjkKE60LQMaBEdbReawf8gmLLS-QdAymkOR-X_lCNJwh5PgkhbHT__no2hJr2s-GF6DjpeusyOHW4ORzK0CIODCtH-cS1rmWOl3UvZI6gTEUdpbDOGQer9WMmXUzje2AeWWRD_qo/w207-h455/Col%20140324.jpeg" width="207" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Barmy Albert
was smoking a cheroot outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when
Dastardly Derek, the landlord came out and curtly informed him that couldn’t
smoke outside the premises, unless he was fifteen yards away from the building.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Albert told him that it didn’t apply to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The landlord asked Albert why he thought he
was excluded from the laws of the land. Albert cheerily replied: “Because I’m
drinking in the pub across the road.”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A bloke in a
hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted Non-Stick
Nora coming out of Aldi below. He descended further and shouted to Nora:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don’t know where I am." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nora replied, "You’re in a hot air
balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You’re between The
Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and north of Scropton Street abattoir." "You
must be in Information technology."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>said the balloonist. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Actually,
I am," replied Nora "How did you know?" "Well,"
answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m
still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve
delayed my trip." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nora responded,
"You must be a Tory politician." "Indeed, I am." replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?" <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Well," sez Nora: "You don’t
know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to the position you
are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no
idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The
fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now
it’s my flippin’ fault!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moral of the
story: Don’t mess with Non-Stick Nora because she’s awesome!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpmkqw8ziiIt0ZcMKaqrtCZwYB_HqVwoQ2d6hs15Bvd8MNU68ASqNCWh2UZVbgqFYtuJThcXl9QJfPkAcb43triZv8CIV0J6fHHQvUMchF60iiLHIqEs65kItXhrHkK1PGpTckCT9ldMqM4kGwcqEMHPj0A0XoUR3GSJA3MAt36e6U22CDNUlis1ITE3c/s576/pole%20dancer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="449" data-original-width="576" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpmkqw8ziiIt0ZcMKaqrtCZwYB_HqVwoQ2d6hs15Bvd8MNU68ASqNCWh2UZVbgqFYtuJThcXl9QJfPkAcb43triZv8CIV0J6fHHQvUMchF60iiLHIqEs65kItXhrHkK1PGpTckCT9ldMqM4kGwcqEMHPj0A0XoUR3GSJA3MAt36e6U22CDNUlis1ITE3c/s320/pole%20dancer.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The Offside
Rule Explained for Ladies: You are in a shoe shop, penultimate in the queue for
the cash register. Behind the shop assistant on display, is a pair of shoes
which you have seen and which you would absolutely die for! The young blonde
shopper in front of you has seen them too, and is eyeing them with burning
desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both of you have forgotten your
purses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would be totally rude to
push in front of the blonde bimbo if you had no money to pay for the footwear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The shop assistant remains at the till
waiting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your friend is trying on
another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your big dilemma. She
prepares to throw her purse to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy
the shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At a pinch she could throw
the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip
around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering
that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to
push in front of the other shopper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now
do you understand? <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I sheepishly approached a
very beautiful woman in Tesco and said: "I’ve lost my wife here in the
supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman looked perplexed "Why talk to
me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as
you, the missus just seems to materialise out of nowhere"<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like Aardvarks. Dogs look up to us; cats
look down on us, however, Aardvarks treat us as equals. Aardvarks are cool.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">I have found
marriage to be very educational. For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong
way to put milk in the fridge.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Top Tip: When
picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The missus
wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of
the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me
down with feather.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A neurotic
friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive
insecurity alert…<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I had to
change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked
into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my
websitewww.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfjMIEJyILeyb4W1ZO-12WYekkHgCsvCKjd-ftsWy__4Bsn2WmCFVLKVTk7NwKZm8Lqvt0btYFDvs1gKVFzw2XcdxnNjID6Q8L9vlByAhCjTGJA4z1G2VdGxGhNSQ_W6dE_6ZwtTzIkXo79UnxbqkP7VE2Q_DX8e1x4_hm5eRTNY-AcxCd0100JL7ydYo/s670/they're.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="670" data-original-width="578" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfjMIEJyILeyb4W1ZO-12WYekkHgCsvCKjd-ftsWy__4Bsn2WmCFVLKVTk7NwKZm8Lqvt0btYFDvs1gKVFzw2XcdxnNjID6Q8L9vlByAhCjTGJA4z1G2VdGxGhNSQ_W6dE_6ZwtTzIkXo79UnxbqkP7VE2Q_DX8e1x4_hm5eRTNY-AcxCd0100JL7ydYo/s320/they're.jpg" width="276" /></a></div><br /><p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-4502072389183379322024-03-09T02:15:00.000-08:002024-03-10T08:30:19.566-07:00The Knitting Needle Nutter Strikes Again!<p> </p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdi7y9fESTahSFwS8Q2a5JDPbPFGsqkaacGtaYPYy6OZd63zbhKVxcTqHF9bD3WQhVoou7seT79qgB-Mltr9ptsHmSKtYGTklRuM9miEobsl3s2IHgcIhRlzHM4cbeF0RDmD24pYKbLig76uvZPDmNX6RvB1vUtcn8udLE3c32ndr5sA92RBBLzFgXJsY/s536/spring.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="392" data-original-width="536" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdi7y9fESTahSFwS8Q2a5JDPbPFGsqkaacGtaYPYy6OZd63zbhKVxcTqHF9bD3WQhVoou7seT79qgB-Mltr9ptsHmSKtYGTklRuM9miEobsl3s2IHgcIhRlzHM4cbeF0RDmD24pYKbLig76uvZPDmNX6RvB1vUtcn8udLE3c32ndr5sA92RBBLzFgXJsY/s320/spring.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />What with the pension age being increased, coupled with the current cost of living crisis, we are now forced to toil well into our old age. Yesterday, I spotted a pensioner working in the local supermarket car park collecting shopping trolleys. He must’ve been pushing eighty! <br /><br />I phoned the local council office, last week and the automated voice announced: “If you’d like to speak in Welsh, please press one.” I pressed one, but I still can’t speak Welsh! <br /><br />The CEO of a large blue-chip company decided to award a prize of £150 for the best idea of saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10. <br /><br />I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in." <br /><br />A Scouser got stopped by police coming out of Currys PC World on suspicion of shoplifting. The copper sez to him: "I'm going to perform a search. Do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The crafty Liverpudlian replied: "No. Only Sony and Panasonic...." <br /><br />Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert what he’d been up to in the garden shed all morning. "I've made a papier mâché model of Mount Kilimanjaro." He informed her. Nora asked: "Is it to scale?" "No. Just to look at...." Albert replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy. <br /><br />Crimewatch Latest: Tameside Police are hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the last week. Police believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh82q4KYnQsePY7-BfUNPp8eBJd5TvdAy3kkqUVDS0O0pqjmTbRqT6yVZhzkiT5lBP25InaQIehP8AQj3i0I0dJFof2ZGGrSZe8XkbXVOpZFrClWHZ6Z-sjr3nMjEBzfdG6vM4KvwJqfUYlobJRJaef-LSdE1JAru5yHJ3uMUwZu64GX5ZaLwF06wicC-4/s500/awesome.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="357" data-original-width="500" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh82q4KYnQsePY7-BfUNPp8eBJd5TvdAy3kkqUVDS0O0pqjmTbRqT6yVZhzkiT5lBP25InaQIehP8AQj3i0I0dJFof2ZGGrSZe8XkbXVOpZFrClWHZ6Z-sjr3nMjEBzfdG6vM4KvwJqfUYlobJRJaef-LSdE1JAru5yHJ3uMUwZu64GX5ZaLwF06wicC-4/s320/awesome.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />Of course, some folks are so wealthy, they are totally immune and bullet-proof to the present economic downturn. I was watching a faux documentary on Netflix called: ‘Being Victoria Beckham’ and I must confess that I was staggered by the abject affluence that was paraded before my impecunious countenance. Apparently, she owns a top of the range Bentley Turbo and employs a proper liveried chauffeur, complete with uniform and peaked hat. They were bombing it down these narrow country lanes in Hertfordshire, going far too fast for these somewhat precariously cramped thoroughfares, when suddenly, disaster struck! A lone Heffer strayed out of a farm gateway, the chauffeur failed to stop in time and subsequently flattened the poor unfortunate animal onto the tarmacadam. Posh went bananas and screamed at the chauffeur: “If the press get hold of this, there’ll be ructions! Here’s a few hundred quid, go to the farmhouse and sort it out. Keep a lid on it. We want no paparazzi!” The poor chauffeur went and came back four hours later, paralytic drunk, his hat skewiff and a large cigar in his mouth. Posh screamed at him again and asked: “Where’ve you been for the last four hours?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “they opened a valuable bottle of 50 year-old Macallan Malt Whisky that they kept purely for very special occasions!” She sez: “What exactly did you say to them?” he replied: “All I said was that I was Posh Spices chauffeur and I’ve knocked the cow over and they wouldn’t let me go!” <br /><br />There was much shenanigans in the bank, yesterday morning. I was in there with the missus. She wasn’t speaking to me, primarily because of my new keep-fit regime. She told me: “You’ve been out four nights running!” Suddenly, the plot thickened and this bloke entered, wearing a balaclava and brandishing a pistol. He sez to the woman in front of us, “Did you see my face, before I put this mask on?” The woman replied, “Yes, I certainly did!” So, he shot her! Oh folly, folly! Then he turned to me and asked me the same question. I replied, “No I didn’t. But the wife did!” <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCFFFKxxLUb_4xXm-Wg-Fh8hqOn3-FEJ8bTPSlpgD_UsyJsj0rWNLdve8dhW6Nh6erK5uTWQbJWhir_L6_LOFkfmkbYh4RJxZSyOryMmXxRfodhw7QlgChubKVz5lnuIfMCtqWP4xq1Ixr3yh8aFHKrPSNWU5xHOoAhy8B3j3yc7KJn9TGqcoQvWuZ5eo/s770/derek.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="770" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCFFFKxxLUb_4xXm-Wg-Fh8hqOn3-FEJ8bTPSlpgD_UsyJsj0rWNLdve8dhW6Nh6erK5uTWQbJWhir_L6_LOFkfmkbYh4RJxZSyOryMmXxRfodhw7QlgChubKVz5lnuIfMCtqWP4xq1Ixr3yh8aFHKrPSNWU5xHOoAhy8B3j3yc7KJn9TGqcoQvWuZ5eo/s320/derek.jpg" width="219" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq4aIQzNk8oDqeFqRD8su_jZm6vxs65ayftn3V37Y0pgHjYGHQFWq9qe3JoeUseCl_C2v28KQirllO5gdUK9sHWhAgjaOy3ZqAE2Tgnq8hK9-qijsseotjQ4oVpLI_z0TGOXTLdEAuIBcRgDlNNpGfV_9SHQdQq8Jm8uvsJk4y3z85IStDBdsf0MtapmA/s637/potholes.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="637" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq4aIQzNk8oDqeFqRD8su_jZm6vxs65ayftn3V37Y0pgHjYGHQFWq9qe3JoeUseCl_C2v28KQirllO5gdUK9sHWhAgjaOy3ZqAE2Tgnq8hK9-qijsseotjQ4oVpLI_z0TGOXTLdEAuIBcRgDlNNpGfV_9SHQdQq8Jm8uvsJk4y3z85IStDBdsf0MtapmA/s320/potholes.jpg" width="264" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-24066098793811875882024-03-02T02:42:00.000-08:002024-03-02T02:52:45.320-08:00Putin a nutshell....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpt7wY3WtSh-s0EQvcIaWpQFhZdCKum-ZPWYQcwJ17gPGU2wdIdSxtD_rYH38A0YjiuFZ95ACSPmtRS5S2YBpI6BviRuyEeDlYzzj0wleSWljXgIq8M5ZY7BeyAqYwqq4XABgXTh5aQe5r2w7mRU96QrlHlKZJyjrXzh-vNZC5Be_ZtAmGKPTPmyqWHYM/s320/LMAO.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="319" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpt7wY3WtSh-s0EQvcIaWpQFhZdCKum-ZPWYQcwJ17gPGU2wdIdSxtD_rYH38A0YjiuFZ95ACSPmtRS5S2YBpI6BviRuyEeDlYzzj0wleSWljXgIq8M5ZY7BeyAqYwqq4XABgXTh5aQe5r2w7mRU96QrlHlKZJyjrXzh-vNZC5Be_ZtAmGKPTPmyqWHYM/s1600/LMAO.jpg" width="319" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">You can tell
that you're getting old, when you have upstairs Paracetamol and downstairs
Paracetamol. Moreover, when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and you begin
to wonder if there’s anything else that you could be doing while you’re down
there. Of course, back in my day, we had to walk to the telly to change the
channel. Uphill. Both ways. In the snow!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Last week, my
Facebook account got hacked yet again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s the fifth time that I’ve had to rename the dog!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I was on the
train into Manchester, when this bloke sat next to me whipped out his iPhone
and showed me a photo of his missus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
sez: “She’s beautiful isn’t she?” I replied: “If you think she’s beautiful,
then you should see my wife.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He sez: “Why?
Is she really gawjus too?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I replied: “No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s an optician.” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">During
February (The wettest month on record!) the singer that sang: ”Raindrops Keep
Falling On My Head.” Has sadly died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was
drowned!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I went to
get my hair cut last Wednesday and the barber was incessantly chatting about
football, cricket, holidays, kids, dogs and it seemed that there wasn’t any
subject whatsoever he didn’t cover or indeed comment on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly, he declared: “Do you know that your
hair is going grey?” I sez to him: “Well, get a move on!”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">On the same
subject, Putin visits his German hairdresser and as he sits down, the barber
gets straight to work with the scissors and asks Putin: “How are matters in the
Ukraine, Mr President? Is the army fighting well? How are Navy operations
panning out?” Suddenly, Putin snaps: “What’s with all the questions about
Ukraine? Are you really interested in the special military operations so much?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The barber replied: “Not really, Mr President,
it’s just so much easier to cut your hair, when it stands on end.” Tragically,
the barber was reported to have accidentally fallen out of a window, shortly
afterwards and shot himself in the cranium four times after he landed. RIP Herr
Kutt.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBHIrVsR7tQk44oss6G6hIxhXTgPT9BUWFFjMNQxcj-KNMpBmpjwltM8XrQNeTSHpKGbXGXzyiopyqTBlRt6YM2pHe0TfQixDvBOy4l2j6-cQc1WhJbbE9as-qycElMSAyS8jAZuEXr0QNnihwqU0FRdEAELx_94anSUM6W1MiBUwrTwm79mZrgydJAnI/s940/Austin%20crowd.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="198" data-original-width="940" height="129" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBHIrVsR7tQk44oss6G6hIxhXTgPT9BUWFFjMNQxcj-KNMpBmpjwltM8XrQNeTSHpKGbXGXzyiopyqTBlRt6YM2pHe0TfQixDvBOy4l2j6-cQc1WhJbbE9as-qycElMSAyS8jAZuEXr0QNnihwqU0FRdEAELx_94anSUM6W1MiBUwrTwm79mZrgydJAnI/w465-h129/Austin%20crowd.jpg" width="465" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Last week,
we said farewell to Stan Bowles. He was 75 and he gained a reputation as one of
the game's great non-conformists and mavericks. He played over 250 league games
for Queens Park Rangers, and earned five England caps. He famously said: “I
blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I
overdid it on the tonic.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to bump
into him at many a sportsman's dinner event and I asked him once: “Why didn’t
you join Gamblers Anonymous?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
replied: “They wouldn’t know where to send my winnings!”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I grilled a
chicken for about an hour yesterday. It still didn't tell me why it crossed the
road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried cooking with wine too. After
six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Many moons
ago, when Barmy Albert lived in a block of council flats, up Scropton Street, (behind the abattoir.) He surmised that it was raining and put his hand out the window to verify this
fact. As he did so, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a glass eye fell
into his hand! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looked up to see where
it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking downwards. "Is
this yours?" he asked. She sez: "Yes, it is. Could you bring it
up?" and Albert agreed. Upon arrival, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>she was profuse in her thanks and offered Barmy
Albert a glass of wine. As she was really gorgeous, he agreed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shortly afterwards she informed him: "I'm
about to have dinner. There's plenty of grub, would you like to join me?" Albert
readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was
drawing to a close the young lady announced: "I've had a brilliant
evening. Would you like to stay the night?" Albert hesitated then sez:
"Do you act like this with every man you meet?" <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Definitely not! she replied, "only
those who catch my eye."<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWN2RfQqsQ_wtNOL49RNJyOkY3zoZzA43FGuLUAC1ZD2PG1h61mvOarQdSu8DtRzdck_819pcP81SDfEzXY52uGBk4PHE3M4doW6UpcvNyRaOPoHjrCSy4Oc65cJru5pfG5KxRr_B7Fjlq_cURgs_YLhOwAWR0iPtLTRnzlj4ng2kaKG9hsgLreBHL0Qw/s1126/multi%20Austin.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1126" data-original-width="1126" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWN2RfQqsQ_wtNOL49RNJyOkY3zoZzA43FGuLUAC1ZD2PG1h61mvOarQdSu8DtRzdck_819pcP81SDfEzXY52uGBk4PHE3M4doW6UpcvNyRaOPoHjrCSy4Oc65cJru5pfG5KxRr_B7Fjlq_cURgs_YLhOwAWR0iPtLTRnzlj4ng2kaKG9hsgLreBHL0Qw/s320/multi%20Austin.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I've learned
that things change, life is like a garden gate, people change, you should never
trust a Hefferlump and it doesn't mean you forget the past, like when that
Romanian circus kidnapped your chihuahua and covered it up with clingfilm. It
simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't
mean giving up. It means accepting that some things weren't meant to be,
because the sun can’t swim. So why not visit my website: <a href="http://www.comedianuk.com/">www.ComedianUK.com</a> and click on my
Jokey-Bloggington and have a chortle! Now, get back to work!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi75yMHmAUvLNnusDr3OreZeQl_hx_RjiMJq3s6jF9NyEuis_b_VC6uJSHsvaG8qEZfh38v5B-_0haqBlciMFqqnqXiBmYBGO_m9TofkI_FwI5KAGcobCivBr6x6aUT13cxoaJrmstxVBP9lKIyAysnPncRcIJW9U5v5F7TJL6bfVDkwLZG-GE1eGENYoc/s720/aust%20col.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="514" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi75yMHmAUvLNnusDr3OreZeQl_hx_RjiMJq3s6jF9NyEuis_b_VC6uJSHsvaG8qEZfh38v5B-_0haqBlciMFqqnqXiBmYBGO_m9TofkI_FwI5KAGcobCivBr6x6aUT13cxoaJrmstxVBP9lKIyAysnPncRcIJW9U5v5F7TJL6bfVDkwLZG-GE1eGENYoc/s320/aust%20col.jpg" width="228" /></a></div><br /><p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-36536949097666268942024-02-24T02:10:00.000-08:002024-02-25T06:23:59.251-08:00The Dead Duck Farrago....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNcYdewyBYUouzTjoqNr1W2kKD593MQY6Vs6iobxZtIkuL3wzdUnpzAAFKg7LFthDyJfrsLCSdPQsqomG3hqDStMfglM3OSChhIlC09-UytmMyccbwoO3pRAG2koQUwoVX8RLyNtZgyCNw2P6aZRQOrFoZ56KpSyX07GR7GBn7gyWuuzU4cfWcEBzY2I0/s1280/Col%20220224.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="538" height="553" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNcYdewyBYUouzTjoqNr1W2kKD593MQY6Vs6iobxZtIkuL3wzdUnpzAAFKg7LFthDyJfrsLCSdPQsqomG3hqDStMfglM3OSChhIlC09-UytmMyccbwoO3pRAG2koQUwoVX8RLyNtZgyCNw2P6aZRQOrFoZ56KpSyX07GR7GBn7gyWuuzU4cfWcEBzY2I0/w287-h553/Col%20220224.jpeg" width="287" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Yesterday, I
contacted Tameside Hospital to advise them that if my wife's condition
should deteriorate, I hereby give my permission for them to switch off the life
support machine. They curtly <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>informed me
that this isn't an option for a sprained ankle....<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I learn
summat new every day! If the missus ever sez: "If anything ever happens to
me, I want you to meet someone new...."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end
of the M67.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Back in the
day, I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad
whispered to me: "Where the hell did you find her? She's boss-eyed, bald,
bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to
whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I
eventually got her in my bedroom, she proclaimed: “You’ve never removed a girls
bra before, have you?” I replied: “What makes you say that?” She replied: “The
scissors….”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Fascinating
Fact: Bigamy: one wife too many; Monogamy; same thing.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf4d5WUFRILI7FZdzYP7RqRyLb5Iz0rBRwSa-yOqvKd6lP9R0ajwdcIJHV8NcMVF0XVz9Ey7AJcSh0H1bRWp6NC7NMtkvaJCKCVbuDV06tWrROKIGYiv4KCRJownz0LMZb8yo0F1AY-2YT7azQyznvzurbnJhwJ-pJlA_voEGPjhkkWItDhjeXtYblFY4/s1128/austin%20knight.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1127" data-original-width="1128" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf4d5WUFRILI7FZdzYP7RqRyLb5Iz0rBRwSa-yOqvKd6lP9R0ajwdcIJHV8NcMVF0XVz9Ey7AJcSh0H1bRWp6NC7NMtkvaJCKCVbuDV06tWrROKIGYiv4KCRJownz0LMZb8yo0F1AY-2YT7azQyznvzurbnJhwJ-pJlA_voEGPjhkkWItDhjeXtYblFY4/s320/austin%20knight.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Octogenarian Elsie
Grabknuckle brought a very limp duck into the veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">shook his head sadly and said,
"I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away." A distressed Elsie wailed,
"Are you sure?"</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">"Yes, I
am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so
sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or
anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his
eyes, turned around and left them in the room, and returned a few moments later
with a huge </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">black</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Labrador Retriever.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">As Elsie looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad, eyes and shook
his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a Siamese cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman
and said, "I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit
a few keys and produced an invoice, which he handed to Elsie. still in shock, she
took the bill, "£180! she cried, £180 just to tell me my duck is
dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it,
the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
now £180.00."</span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Non-Stick Nora goes up to the
bar her local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife. She gestures alluringly to
Cyril, the barkeep, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, Nora
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does,
she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you in charge tonight?” she
asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no, but it’s
the landlord’s night off and he’s upstairs" Cyril replied. "Can you
get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond
his beard and into his hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I’m
afraid I can’t," breathes Cyril. "Is there anything I can do?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a
message," she, continues, running her hands across Cyril’s beard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"What should I tell him?" the
bartender manages to say out of breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Tell
him: "she whispers, "there is no bog roll in the ladies khazi."<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsN_vgQaielWFdLber6kFX9Hh313PrzMXioR1pHfWlSyya5qLXuOWWziZnmxZlvd-TZKdJt6rWOd2sANBScr4WPNRz01-cHFAPL2sWTe1i7TZ0K51PyIZkw_caUAxSg4sX_0c_208spI1T2k4iD_nIta6OV-gccKUtERSS4o3CoC4iFwcn1K7uvjzIqpU/s828/Parliament.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="826" data-original-width="828" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsN_vgQaielWFdLber6kFX9Hh313PrzMXioR1pHfWlSyya5qLXuOWWziZnmxZlvd-TZKdJt6rWOd2sANBScr4WPNRz01-cHFAPL2sWTe1i7TZ0K51PyIZkw_caUAxSg4sX_0c_208spI1T2k4iD_nIta6OV-gccKUtERSS4o3CoC4iFwcn1K7uvjzIqpU/s320/Parliament.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Isn’t it very sad, when
your kids grow up and leave home to go and stare at their phones somewhere
else? You remember all the happy times you’ve had whilst they were little. When
my daughter Suzie Nellie (26) was about 5 years old, she had an imaginary
friend, who somehow possessed the rather sophisticated nom-de-plume of Copper
Du Maze. I was constantly taking the Mickey out of her because of this,
however, one day; she got upset and stormed upstairs into her bedroom, slamming
the door. I knew that I had to set things straight and went into her room and
declared: “I’m very sorry for having a go at you about your imaginary friend
and would like to unreservedly apologise.” She looked at me, with tears in her
eyes and proclaimed: “Thank you daddy.” With all the dignity that I could
muster, I replied: “I’m not talking to you; I’m talking to Copper Du Maze.”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Barmy Albert is in big
trouble again. After attending a party last week in Stalybridge, he was so
drunk that when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off all his clothes
and tiptoed up very quietly, so as not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when
he got to the top of the stairs that he realized that he was on the 237 bus!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Don't let stress kill you
off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise
your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and
gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better
still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too!
comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7sh4bC_YcoFxdCHefvHGEi5tryGElYt4vxSA1Z_EdbMwIzIWGaIGG39_s9gjXMUzbshPCujy5nnmS9uDKCNg6wHenZxxddKK1wy18_tFJPhT_wNCY2oHmSG9PJwIeLWyN8r_BActh3hNvvEFWRqIS8SBBGWDDM8QswIRlvw7jWYDPnUAh2whbOSCwQoY/s670/they're.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="670" data-original-width="578" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7sh4bC_YcoFxdCHefvHGEi5tryGElYt4vxSA1Z_EdbMwIzIWGaIGG39_s9gjXMUzbshPCujy5nnmS9uDKCNg6wHenZxxddKK1wy18_tFJPhT_wNCY2oHmSG9PJwIeLWyN8r_BActh3hNvvEFWRqIS8SBBGWDDM8QswIRlvw7jWYDPnUAh2whbOSCwQoY/s320/they're.jpg" width="276" /></a></div><br /><p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-52188054396075464042024-02-18T02:46:00.000-08:002024-02-20T02:15:05.922-08:00Yes! We Have No Chinese Chicken Wings....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpFgbqkNPWUK9mBZa3mzYwgXAplkXkq_SeXhbK-l_EP-rv6T_oVAxAa18Mo0sZ5XyjQzw6eIQCUA2aYjXvSiveMQ025lczVllyjVd2WDD75vdtiINuQ6L2NOIFsVbtOWK2QHFYsJk8VB59QLHKxzj9aoudtz_jxFUUNdjss3ls0MqJBTtLLFWbXT691G8/s960/multi-Austin.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="575" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpFgbqkNPWUK9mBZa3mzYwgXAplkXkq_SeXhbK-l_EP-rv6T_oVAxAa18Mo0sZ5XyjQzw6eIQCUA2aYjXvSiveMQ025lczVllyjVd2WDD75vdtiINuQ6L2NOIFsVbtOWK2QHFYsJk8VB59QLHKxzj9aoudtz_jxFUUNdjss3ls0MqJBTtLLFWbXT691G8/s320/multi-Austin.jpg" width="192" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">It was fancy
dress night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora had hired some
magnificent costumes and gone dressed as two owls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> T</span>hey were both playing pool in the games room, when
Nora inadvertently potted the white ball. Barmy Albert proclaimed: “That’s two
hits to me!” Nora replied: “Two hits to who?”<o:p></o:p></span></p>Went to view a house yesterday, with period features. She hates it when I call her that...<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><b>Whenever a
woman sez: “We need to talk," why is it never about football? I sez to the
missus: "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier
League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total
garbage" "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to
hear it anyway...." That’s when the fight started!</b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Last night,
I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the
finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez,
"Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too
flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>The wife is
one of four sisters and they’re all named after stones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has a younger sister called Ruby, a
wonderful sister called Pearl and a lovely older sister called Sapphire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The missus is called Pumice.</b><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">A drunk
staggers into a church, enters the confessional booth, sits down but says
nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the inebriated
bloke just sits there in silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles:
"Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMXC1T64FizdxthpFgWfstx_7YMx34rcRcb7_WoRbby3owg1_BifMQooWZGgq0-nG7bbCAF45eYnGjfo1btKDuhMjlG2xWDP_Ik6AHNdkJMLnNaNqC8n3VurCV9ulhdARATTGDT375rYX8nG5DmNB3AjrbLAjV2trmpx1yVxxKhlvkc1zfatctYpfEkrI/s150/Frank%20Bruno%20&%20Austin%20Knight.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="150" data-original-width="150" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMXC1T64FizdxthpFgWfstx_7YMx34rcRcb7_WoRbby3owg1_BifMQooWZGgq0-nG7bbCAF45eYnGjfo1btKDuhMjlG2xWDP_Ik6AHNdkJMLnNaNqC8n3VurCV9ulhdARATTGDT375rYX8nG5DmNB3AjrbLAjV2trmpx1yVxxKhlvkc1zfatctYpfEkrI/s1600/Frank%20Bruno%20&%20Austin%20Knight.jpg" width="150" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>This little
girl sez to her Dad: "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to
be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I
have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad.
"You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she
is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few
moments thought and remarked: "You mean like my other Daddy does?"</b><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Popped into
the local convenience Co-Op store and asked for a box of Ty-Phoo tea bags.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The girl behind the counter said: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Sorry, it’s off the shelves, due to the
Houthi Rebels attacking merchant ships in the Red Sea." I sez:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Oh alright, do you have any Chinese
Chicken Wings?" The shop assistant replied:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Ah that’s another problem, it’s been
withdrawn due to the Asian bird flu health scare.” I composed myself, and
proclaimed:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Well do you have any Turkey
Twizzlers?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Sorry, not available,
due to the health scare" came the repetitive answer. "What about
those spicy chicken rissoles topped with goat’s cheese, garlic and sauté
potatoes?" I politely enquired. She looked at me with disdain and informed
me: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"No, can’t supply that item,
due to the current bird flu health scare".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"So, they’re all off the shelves because of the health
scare?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shop assistant "Yes."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With all the dignity that I could muster, I sez
to her: "Just give me forty Lambert and Butler cigarettes, they’ll keep me
off the vapes!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"That’ll be £24.89"
came the reply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, to compound an
already unfortunate farrago, our budgie died of flu.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It flew under a bus! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>I’ve put on
acres of timber since Christmas. In a desperate bid to lose weight, I’m
employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of
yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight
snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated
fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door
last night and the door fell off its hinges!</b><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP44Q5ugBgp90uD1wXxIbYVTwDvRuHb5YH0NwK1mrPbG1rlwhpEMZBHFNp1qtSPFn2SRbiGqEozgCcQvxRxBkAGIPzeNjj3vyAAQwOJcPSDVnnCUXtGSy_RXSVerwCmkcrRy2DL8ooDmri5fMv2QkUM79zL-J2Vy0Nx-4a80TCGglQdVtsi5hwywIVI-Y/s1488/UK%20CABARET%20Feb%2024.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1488" data-original-width="1049" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP44Q5ugBgp90uD1wXxIbYVTwDvRuHb5YH0NwK1mrPbG1rlwhpEMZBHFNp1qtSPFn2SRbiGqEozgCcQvxRxBkAGIPzeNjj3vyAAQwOJcPSDVnnCUXtGSy_RXSVerwCmkcrRy2DL8ooDmri5fMv2QkUM79zL-J2Vy0Nx-4a80TCGglQdVtsi5hwywIVI-Y/s320/UK%20CABARET%20Feb%2024.jpg" width="226" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I was so
desperate to shed weight, that I made a doctor’s appointment. I outlined the
problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was
referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused
for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently,
I have an overactive knife and fork...<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>An airline
pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the
runway really hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers alighted, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying with our
airline."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a zimmer frame<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you
a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down by the
Russians?"</b><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Fascinating
Fact: Did you know that in our lifetime, we will never see a scouser on the new
BBC ‘Dr Who’ series. Apparently, they don’t want to work in the future either!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><b>Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s <a href="mailto:comedianuk@sky.com">comedianuk@sky.com</a> if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!</b><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQgFpNp6GRgcSCuNuOH79qGExuJbCgUu7R6Qp_Je9rulnDLWMSXpeS4W-RlpbRhNFO91RMte-EVnjHqxhIIHEa4IHVzvbiqzBtozHcXoeylJGY2K2EgPRVV68-vaYRjEfZ6Oq8aAmoJyxWfwp34KoEO_giXs3zg05hHHYwj_CgtQJBZJWl-RTILt-ISwM/s2480/Austin%20Page%203.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2480" data-original-width="1748" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQgFpNp6GRgcSCuNuOH79qGExuJbCgUu7R6Qp_Je9rulnDLWMSXpeS4W-RlpbRhNFO91RMte-EVnjHqxhIIHEa4IHVzvbiqzBtozHcXoeylJGY2K2EgPRVV68-vaYRjEfZ6Oq8aAmoJyxWfwp34KoEO_giXs3zg05hHHYwj_CgtQJBZJWl-RTILt-ISwM/s320/Austin%20Page%203.jpg" width="226" /></a></div><br /></div><div><br /> <br /><br /> <br /><br /> </div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-10578188990343829892024-02-11T03:34:00.000-08:002024-02-11T03:34:02.945-08:00Confessions of Tommy Grabknuckle....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL_6DfyClFSx7mQiofjYYKnCPHBeKqWCXxerUJ4H0TMXqDIwsYWVsjJAcn3pct_QmYk7qI4GAHudAcSDgcsFCVHLUwtXvZheaSjJpQtyMFXVPkCjgI76JAhADkJLpu_3cDimLw4CMjBCmCQV9Vhyphenhyphen9Hl_HMG4-ptw4vSFZtxwOjvDQG2p3_m48iie579kE/s448/howy%20bladdered.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="336" data-original-width="448" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL_6DfyClFSx7mQiofjYYKnCPHBeKqWCXxerUJ4H0TMXqDIwsYWVsjJAcn3pct_QmYk7qI4GAHudAcSDgcsFCVHLUwtXvZheaSjJpQtyMFXVPkCjgI76JAhADkJLpu_3cDimLw4CMjBCmCQV9Vhyphenhyphen9Hl_HMG4-ptw4vSFZtxwOjvDQG2p3_m48iie579kE/s320/howy%20bladdered.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was in
Tesco getting a sandwich and a packet of crisps and the young lady on the
checkout looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her that I was married and she
shouted: “It’s part of the meal deal, you cretin!”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A lifelong
agnostic, octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his local church to make his
confession for the first time in his entire life. When the priest opened the
panel in the confessional booth, Tommy told him: “During World War 2, a gorgeous
woman knocked on my door and pleaded with me to hide her from the enemy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I hid her in the attic.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The priest answered: “That was a wonderful
thing you did my son, there’s no need to confess about a good deed.” Tommy
opined: “It’s worse than that, father, in order to repay my favours, she
started to reciprocate by cooking me wonderful meals, baking delicious cakes,
pies and performing all the household chores, like doing the washing and cleaning.”
The priest went on: “Well if you’re truly sorry for your actions, all those
years ago, then you are forgiven.” Tommy sez: “Thank you father, that’s a great
weight off my mind, but may I ask you just one question?” The priest replied: “Certainly,
what is it that troubles you, my son?” With all the dignity that he could
muster, Tommy asked the priest: “Should I tell her that the war is over?” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Q) What has five toes and
isn't your foot?<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">A) My foot.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk_GCBJy0uvjnPyTY9Po53wTWLUDq0FC0XXALayFaV9njqqKwb_hTXJGDiSNNJhjxNymOCKa2pydCZSYr4EDIGzbuWVe_WHGcQ2rB3I7r2ehijxXYxFaX0nJ-f1gofOR_j5vnse2FRIaz-x7wi5zYMSB57N_RkGMCht8T3ZRpeRrXeqWTCeidKoCkeDZo/s596/scarf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="596" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk_GCBJy0uvjnPyTY9Po53wTWLUDq0FC0XXALayFaV9njqqKwb_hTXJGDiSNNJhjxNymOCKa2pydCZSYr4EDIGzbuWVe_WHGcQ2rB3I7r2ehijxXYxFaX0nJ-f1gofOR_j5vnse2FRIaz-x7wi5zYMSB57N_RkGMCht8T3ZRpeRrXeqWTCeidKoCkeDZo/s320/scarf.jpg" width="282" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Top Tip: Leaving
a door key with a trusted neighbour, saves having to break your window, if perchance
you are locked out. If they’re out, you can break their window to get your key.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Non- Stick
Nora was in bed with Barmy Albert’s best mate Sid, when the phone suddenly rang.
Nora answered and after hanging up, she says: “That was Albert. He won’t be
home for a while, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>because he’s in the
Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub playing darts with you!” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Doctor
Williams was having breakfast on his day off, with his wife, when he gets a
phone call. He hears the voice of his fellow practise GP, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>who declares: “We need a 4<sup>th</sup> for golf.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His wife asked: “Is it serious?” The doctor
replied: “Definitely. There are three other doctors there already!” <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Chester
Draws needed a blood transfusion. However, his blood group was not on record, they
asked Elsie, his missus if she knew what it was, in order to save his life, but
sadly she had never known it. So, she only had time to hold his hand as he
faded away. Elsie would never forget how supportive Chester was during his
final hours. He kept on whispering to her: “Be positive. Be positive!” But that
was Chester all over, he was always thinking about others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is not a typo….<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Many years
ago (when the dead sea was only ill) I bought a new car. It was a purple car
and I found it to be very expensive to run because it guzzled petrol, so it had
to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then purchased a blue car and
found that it was difficult to maintain, you just couldn’t get the parts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After that I acquired a red car and found
that I had tremendous difficulty in starting the engine each morning, plus the
brakes were faulty and it generally had a lot to be desired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was designed badly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After that, I decided to buy myself a yellow
car, so I saved up the tops of 100,000 Birds custard packets and before I knew
it, the yellow car was my proud possession.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bad move!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It turned out to have
an intermittent electrical fault that would never be cured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no option but to get rid of the
vehicle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These days, I drive a silver
car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No problems whatsoever!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I could recommend my readers to buy a car,
whether it be new or used, leasehold or hire purchase, then a silver car is the
one to own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, nowadays, the
government advise that we ALL should have a green car. We live in strange
times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have cars that drive
themselves and Post Offices that rob themselves, albeit remotely!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Riddle me
this: If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody there, does it make a
sound? On that basis, if a man says something in a forest and there are no
women there, is he still wrong?<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Such is
technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is
the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features
full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by
holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the
Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your
heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked"
"Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the
time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm,
methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely
fruits...<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWqETwadhlQiWGYx4qLw4ZPx3temrjgDz4W5TDkuXtDS2s_YKhZ8RBuYYC2YwgxYzpwfk1yNodcguS9_L68HaTlfZMgRBVhzYlB-z268oYz9SykUvVSDSKrFUS7nr43oL0_9f27Kq1OLaQzWjlIGnyR1esfGvUMRbxPDY5NBjw6INYQL-rRECkI9dwzQM/s320/apple%20watch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="179" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWqETwadhlQiWGYx4qLw4ZPx3temrjgDz4W5TDkuXtDS2s_YKhZ8RBuYYC2YwgxYzpwfk1yNodcguS9_L68HaTlfZMgRBVhzYlB-z268oYz9SykUvVSDSKrFUS7nr43oL0_9f27Kq1OLaQzWjlIGnyR1esfGvUMRbxPDY5NBjw6INYQL-rRECkI9dwzQM/s1600/apple%20watch.jpg" width="179" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-82580618152800762412024-02-07T02:34:00.000-08:002024-02-07T02:34:23.203-08:00UK Cabaret Magazine Feb 2024<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioctMcwsX0RfVcNi4CqOhWFZIiAV1BkGORpjKxHGs4GSrEif8X1XdunCs5ygVW7FpHaLeJHKQosTkfAWnb4h64y7KHUMB-gWfjsXCYkS7uG7QT26lV4tEA2rmlruscqZ8S0JzHBeZtmNOtP3T_BVwk5bugcEIOQFR7NruUVwXDekpJVi8WeIRiyBiGfqU/s1488/UK%20CABARET%20Feb%2024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1488" data-original-width="1049" height="781" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioctMcwsX0RfVcNi4CqOhWFZIiAV1BkGORpjKxHGs4GSrEif8X1XdunCs5ygVW7FpHaLeJHKQosTkfAWnb4h64y7KHUMB-gWfjsXCYkS7uG7QT26lV4tEA2rmlruscqZ8S0JzHBeZtmNOtP3T_BVwk5bugcEIOQFR7NruUVwXDekpJVi8WeIRiyBiGfqU/w497-h781/UK%20CABARET%20Feb%2024.jpg" width="497" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-22860719723576561812024-02-04T06:05:00.000-08:002024-02-05T02:13:57.914-08:00Small minority wanted....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqtrctmR2vcsMsHBpz2My3KkogdaAtxE6JM4dza-xNXFK1e_qhR1BTUf_SpVNbouwRHhm7TsHleLwEj094HABWGltXEUrmNozeNy41GJxc2oePO7w_3wseLya7jo9xyrH4Me51FOyXmOMF1FbHeIPXgnHUYHO_i2vCnlmCDktx_ln1YHiDRMrYpSSh3Jc/s588/!cid_9CC37B33F6AE4366BE622406E27DB627@delllaptop.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="330" data-original-width="588" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqtrctmR2vcsMsHBpz2My3KkogdaAtxE6JM4dza-xNXFK1e_qhR1BTUf_SpVNbouwRHhm7TsHleLwEj094HABWGltXEUrmNozeNy41GJxc2oePO7w_3wseLya7jo9xyrH4Me51FOyXmOMF1FbHeIPXgnHUYHO_i2vCnlmCDktx_ln1YHiDRMrYpSSh3Jc/s320/!cid_9CC37B33F6AE4366BE622406E27DB627@delllaptop.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">The rain was
tempestuous and the storm was gathering apace, when Non-Stick Nora discovered
Barmy Albert perched in front of a big puddle outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley
Knife pub, totally drenched and holding a tree branch with a length of twine dangling
in the muddy water. Nora stopped and asked him: " What’re you doing?” "Fishing"
declared Albert. Feeling really sorry for him, Nora sez: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Come in out of the rain and have a drink
with me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m buying!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While
languishing in front of the pub fire as they sip their hot toddies, Nora can’t
resist asking: "So how many have you caught today?" " You’re the
fifth" replies Barmy Albert.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Over the
weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at
the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a
hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the
legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!” If you’re
ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I
strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the
staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however,
still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant
sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and
suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and
start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">So, the
geezer with the orange apron in B & Q told me that: “With this state-of-the
art chainsaw you’ll be able to fell forty trees a day!” I took it back the
following week and I told the customer services bloke that that I’ve tried it out
and I only managed to fell twenty trees a day with it.” The customer services
guy takes it from me and pulls the start cord and it works brilliantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sez to him: “What the hell is all that noise?”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">On the same
subject, Tommy Grabknuckle went into B & Q store and orders 10,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the fella in the orange apron.
"It's going to be a barbecue." Tommy replied. "Wow! that's a lot
of bricks for one barbecue," Tommy sez: "Not really. I live on the
12th floor."<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5xMcB4cQRnoRDgwlrozFq4SkmjhGcSQwQI603TfoBalw9axq3qLPTt9HzjBlRxfQdE1SD2sHuUW16ftx13wl4742iS2l3JHAKrdc-DXT2Qbf3wleaFZeEuXObBS2N2UntOgGHU5mW-sUwf6fk6WN0kB7-lsAxUHHbwSNZWQcWFN2m06BrmlBnKvnYxE/s518/!cid_6348286690AD4A339C032FCF95F91CA0@your3b06b3b48b.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="518" data-original-width="407" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE5xMcB4cQRnoRDgwlrozFq4SkmjhGcSQwQI603TfoBalw9axq3qLPTt9HzjBlRxfQdE1SD2sHuUW16ftx13wl4742iS2l3JHAKrdc-DXT2Qbf3wleaFZeEuXObBS2N2UntOgGHU5mW-sUwf6fk6WN0kB7-lsAxUHHbwSNZWQcWFN2m06BrmlBnKvnYxE/s320/!cid_6348286690AD4A339C032FCF95F91CA0@your3b06b3b48b.jpg" width="251" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><o:p><br /></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Have you
ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I
can’t look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her diploma, which bore her full
name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly, I remembered a gorgeous
statuesque brunette with the same name had been in my high school class some forty
odd years ago. Could she be the same girl that I had a secret crush on, back in
the day? Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought that
this grey-haired woman with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been
my classmate, or could she? After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had
attended Nicholls Ardwick High School.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"Yes,
I did." she gleamed with pride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"What
year did you leave?" I asked. .She answered, "in 1975. Why do you
ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. She looked at me
closely. Then, that old, wrinkled harridan of a dentist asked me: "What
subject did you teach?" <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kSV4AubnFBHlRalr_sZlUxrP4wbDOd7Db-8LVWS2c33w_R58o-nADAQ9VgokIdJRi_GDrvnLosPntiQj2tRlYz_EaRsUoZ6CGEQxl6Rz9iTCNCDzrN7BGEltVuJ-CXXNs9PzXF2I1zlCoy6ZLTGTF45rQWl7-r3vhkRYD1CxN57iERouejXFHGh1H_Y/s594/!cid_18B627BC400C4DA2AB1433A817130E92@delllaptop.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="594" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5kSV4AubnFBHlRalr_sZlUxrP4wbDOd7Db-8LVWS2c33w_R58o-nADAQ9VgokIdJRi_GDrvnLosPntiQj2tRlYz_EaRsUoZ6CGEQxl6Rz9iTCNCDzrN7BGEltVuJ-CXXNs9PzXF2I1zlCoy6ZLTGTF45rQWl7-r3vhkRYD1CxN57iERouejXFHGh1H_Y/s320/!cid_18B627BC400C4DA2AB1433A817130E92@delllaptop.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Ten reasons
you can tell that you’re getting old:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">1.You and your teeth don’t
sleep together.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">2. Your try to straighten
out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">3. At the breakfast table
you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">4. Your back goes out but
you stay at home.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">5. When happy hour is a
nap.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">6. When you’re on holiday
and you run out of breath before you run out of money.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">7. When you say something
to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">8. When all you want for
your birthday is to NOT be reminded of your age.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">9. When you step off the kerb
and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">10. You go to watch a ‘wet
shawl’ competition.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTSHkRQuEoIBfnblSV_U0szV5aA_5RP1uh_py46iLZdGWy_W7TzAmGVIpzexeYvK4gf-73dwikX1AzkE-pGQO4erOYmo47_HoACa6kf0Q_4gCQkNFfZ5lQbDCFQhjb-fery_UXbB7LluyA18UV12Cx5uyBb-R6SeECc30juihy0N5nFSckH1BrUlq9zUY/s500/Lamp.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="500" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTSHkRQuEoIBfnblSV_U0szV5aA_5RP1uh_py46iLZdGWy_W7TzAmGVIpzexeYvK4gf-73dwikX1AzkE-pGQO4erOYmo47_HoACa6kf0Q_4gCQkNFfZ5lQbDCFQhjb-fery_UXbB7LluyA18UV12Cx5uyBb-R6SeECc30juihy0N5nFSckH1BrUlq9zUY/s320/Lamp.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-53921706738240686712024-02-02T00:49:00.000-08:002024-02-02T00:49:47.630-08:00Punchlines Column <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjlujnz3Ikf54xx77lN79s3DRqmCLCKQemchD2J7mvkEPDBw3jId8fPpdsSjxAvRJVq-m-BqHC4q4Egz16W3S5o4tfoYOY2FnS3e3tTD-d4OUPrZL-6UjvjyB9kART0ARM5IJrL-RLyZS17yiYyOei3iM_R-ORzF3Q-QyuXMl0HvESixpsSG9WVTGAbb0/s1854/Col%20010224.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1854" data-original-width="750" height="877" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjlujnz3Ikf54xx77lN79s3DRqmCLCKQemchD2J7mvkEPDBw3jId8fPpdsSjxAvRJVq-m-BqHC4q4Egz16W3S5o4tfoYOY2FnS3e3tTD-d4OUPrZL-6UjvjyB9kART0ARM5IJrL-RLyZS17yiYyOei3iM_R-ORzF3Q-QyuXMl0HvESixpsSG9WVTGAbb0/w349-h877/Col%20010224.jpg" width="349" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-74068336451176115502024-01-26T02:58:00.000-08:002024-01-28T06:55:45.253-08:00The Gross Aggrandised Annuity Farrago...<p><br /></p><p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_B18VPCDOy6Z_WtlxIr6DuDh1kCjbRHHlFwLXzBba7vslbb1CXFynnYEzZevm9t9vMAGnG2a2vH5WnROoO6ItgUcUCeJDuGXHDGoUakR8rehAAfSJPC_RNLfAsFSKvD19QM55wXxRg2zDQ5RjdH0vOaHdLF2LF_KUNtTty_wRRxMdJBR5_fwkcNp6c0/s1104/lollygaggers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="492" data-original-width="1104" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_B18VPCDOy6Z_WtlxIr6DuDh1kCjbRHHlFwLXzBba7vslbb1CXFynnYEzZevm9t9vMAGnG2a2vH5WnROoO6ItgUcUCeJDuGXHDGoUakR8rehAAfSJPC_RNLfAsFSKvD19QM55wXxRg2zDQ5RjdH0vOaHdLF2LF_KUNtTty_wRRxMdJBR5_fwkcNp6c0/w463-h207/lollygaggers.jpg" width="463" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>BREAKING NEWS: <span style="font-size: 10pt;">Jürgen Klopp
announces shock decision to step down as Liverpool manager at the end of the 2024
season, after eight and a half years.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">He
has said he is “Running out of energy.” He reckons his younger brother
Klipperty might want to take over. A Liverpool fan said today: "This is the saddest day for Liverpool since the invention of locking wheel nuts."</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiUSdOlXsAdeZJAU_g-cKh7ex4JYq8A8qZ37joWVI0E8sDdmYiZUxMYVikSo5R1ZANsFUZge8Yv1U6c-8go5PmaxFepjSaCxXrvxhdYFPfSoIE33BsHk1Sr7SpZiXlAvypagFmd-gSqEHTIs8ZJ1KlAwuu1progMxnVzKpnkTyt5zEQMDH_HYVE7DszRg/s609/bla.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="609" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiUSdOlXsAdeZJAU_g-cKh7ex4JYq8A8qZ37joWVI0E8sDdmYiZUxMYVikSo5R1ZANsFUZge8Yv1U6c-8go5PmaxFepjSaCxXrvxhdYFPfSoIE33BsHk1Sr7SpZiXlAvypagFmd-gSqEHTIs8ZJ1KlAwuu1progMxnVzKpnkTyt5zEQMDH_HYVE7DszRg/s320/bla.jpg" width="252" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Last week, I
applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. "Now
this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," I replied. "It means I don't get the job."<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">The missus
texted me at a gig last week: “Windows at home frozen – what should I do?” I
texted back: “Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few minutes later, she replied: “Done all
that, now computer won’t work at all now”.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Barmy Albert
had a terrible accident at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He cut
two fingers off his right hand and was taken to A & E at Tameside Hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked the doctor if he’d still be able to
write with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctor sez: “Probably.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I wouldn’t count on it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When he went into surgery, the consultant
told Albert that with the technology they have today, if he’d had packed the
fingers in ice and brought them to the hospital, they could have stitched them
back on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Albert replied: “I know
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I couldn’t pick them up!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, he only noticed the two fingers were
missing when he was saying good night to the foreman…. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I overheard
a woman (she had a face like a careless beekeeper) on the 237 bus saying that
she won’t let her grandchildren watch Peppa Pig on telly, because it encourages
bad behaviour like “Jumping in puddles.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I was a kid, I watched Road Runner, but I haven’t blown anyone up
with a stick of dynamite as yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Non-Stick
Nora visited the doctor and told him that her body hurts wherever she touched
it. “That’s impossible!” the doctor proclaimed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Show me.” Nora touched her elbow and screamed in pain. She then pushed
her knee and ankle and screamed. The doctor asked her: “Do you dye your hair?”
Nora replied: “No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m really a blonde.”
The doctor sez: “I thought so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your
finger is broken…”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Octogenarian
Tommy Grabknuckle was doing the Times crossword and shouted to his wife Elsie
who was in the kitchenette: “I’m stuck on 4 across.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The clue is flightless bird from Iceland. 6
and 7 letters” Elsie shouted back: “That’s easy. It’s frozen chicken….”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Thought for
Thursday: It’s strange, is it not, that the UK government are able to police
the pirates who are causing ructions to merchant shipping in the Red Sea, but can’t
sort out the shenanigans in the English Channel.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3tN-kJX4qORjtLfWR50ZBrzbZ6K60nx-GNYh28XIqWIAALbUcyS2lEfRiqGNlVFjDkXtMq4Fo9TRndRxliauKUwD1kDyhJZxwEACJTUlDz2_N9I_ET7G841j_SCL5fw4Tu6SmUJiubMC00I8NwbguBUj7bHtcsOjjvFphnT8bD9Uk10_aJqop4W_XHVA/s875/deerek.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="875" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3tN-kJX4qORjtLfWR50ZBrzbZ6K60nx-GNYh28XIqWIAALbUcyS2lEfRiqGNlVFjDkXtMq4Fo9TRndRxliauKUwD1kDyhJZxwEACJTUlDz2_N9I_ET7G841j_SCL5fw4Tu6SmUJiubMC00I8NwbguBUj7bHtcsOjjvFphnT8bD9Uk10_aJqop4W_XHVA/s320/deerek.jpg" width="192" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Moreover,
only a fool believes that electricity used for air conditioning harms the
planet, but electricity used to charge a Tesla doesn’t. However, this geezer
picked up his brand-new Tesla and the salesman tells him: “This car is so
high-tech that you just have to speak to the radio<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and it’ll play exactly what it is told!” The
bloke gives it a go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He shouts “Beatles”
and it plays ‘Help.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He shouted “Stones.”
And it played ‘Satisfaction’. A couple of days later, he is out driving, when
he gets cut up at a roundabout.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
shouts “Effin Wanker!” and the radio starts playing: “When you Walk Through a
Storm, Hold Your Head Up High….”<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">I phoned
that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly and said, "I
would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in
your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car
insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Dianne Abbott
has come to the conclusion that the moon is actually more useful than the sun.
Since the moon gives us light when it’s dark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Whereas, the sun only gives us light during the day, when it’s already
light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fascinating!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;">Fascinating
Fact: The naked man fears no pickpockets…<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Pinch Punch.
First of the month! I sincerely reckon that the person who invented the word
February, must’ve had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Was it a lady named
Siobhan? Did she live in Featherstonehaugh?
</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">The missus sez: "New year, same old lazy you. I hope you've got
something good planned for Valentines Day." I replied: "I have
indeed. I think I'll take the Christmas tree and all the decorations
down."</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">That’s when the fight
started!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqqvC7KB5h2SzqZT1AFYfOa0A1f2w3pKcMjGrliN1bBCOf8o1dRKYvaUF4WGTBFHKLq3SQJsWxY_EUZOlIjt70KKg3Dtj9D-0BYb21eLgYMfe4oQ1fshXuW6K8AOD_d6P8Ro3Xj493MhbWDxy6zxbZdzkDwxXH6w0D9sLxXWBZu-kQda7mKmus9FW-Ny8/s526/dog%20balls.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="526" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqqvC7KB5h2SzqZT1AFYfOa0A1f2w3pKcMjGrliN1bBCOf8o1dRKYvaUF4WGTBFHKLq3SQJsWxY_EUZOlIjt70KKg3Dtj9D-0BYb21eLgYMfe4oQ1fshXuW6K8AOD_d6P8Ro3Xj493MhbWDxy6zxbZdzkDwxXH6w0D9sLxXWBZu-kQda7mKmus9FW-Ny8/s320/dog%20balls.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-89666970440504679002024-01-20T04:05:00.000-08:002024-01-20T04:05:23.806-08:00When your dog has eaten your philosophy homework....<p> </p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ4z8RrAUbG75LicYK1l9CDWVYztqTIwJJWTsFI0dpdQlpK8ioB0vR58ZiOUWMxxOMvJRb_28amX-q71GO7vBNfWVN9lUpKAaovl2wiYDrwbJU3He-C9FKYgRVUkTMFtPRbfA4e8cKN-AMEHKg6h3O8A-t-UiSXyrldEtpaCOaQQe81muEsL0_RJq_QM4/s640/10152398_10152766554339646_1165167610401137469_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="440" data-original-width="640" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ4z8RrAUbG75LicYK1l9CDWVYztqTIwJJWTsFI0dpdQlpK8ioB0vR58ZiOUWMxxOMvJRb_28amX-q71GO7vBNfWVN9lUpKAaovl2wiYDrwbJU3He-C9FKYgRVUkTMFtPRbfA4e8cKN-AMEHKg6h3O8A-t-UiSXyrldEtpaCOaQQe81muEsL0_RJq_QM4/w371-h255/10152398_10152766554339646_1165167610401137469_n.jpg" width="371" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a gorgeous foxy blonde lady sitting at the bar drinking champagne. Just my type, thought I and meandered across and sat down next to her. I sez: "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already! <br /><br /> <br /><br />Over Christmas, I visited a night club in Manchester and the doorman curtly informed me that I couldn’t be admitted because it looked as though: “I’d had a few too many!” I sez: “You mean drinks?” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied” “No. I meant birthdays!” <br /><br />I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one’s feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.” <br /><br />Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching The Chase, when I heard her voice from the kitchenette. "What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog!" <br /><br /> <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0EJXAqDXYX5x9WReHSgahrJAdrlsLLUzMB-4HaTBT1ns5B9-NwWkFae_OOoXaDJsjk945tE-BVbIrNWD2oyb9pnTqsARRd3OzrUzdXPTtb7N75zskiJ4qFD_N46F-AqcZyXPok1Iyv3z0SeL1u6l-hv8c0ZYU3RsdqpeKqh3ynSAqSbT-2Wx767NPN8E/s640/col%20jan%2023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="362" data-original-width="640" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0EJXAqDXYX5x9WReHSgahrJAdrlsLLUzMB-4HaTBT1ns5B9-NwWkFae_OOoXaDJsjk945tE-BVbIrNWD2oyb9pnTqsARRd3OzrUzdXPTtb7N75zskiJ4qFD_N46F-AqcZyXPok1Iyv3z0SeL1u6l-hv8c0ZYU3RsdqpeKqh3ynSAqSbT-2Wx767NPN8E/s320/col%20jan%2023.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />Meanwhile, at Hovel No 9, up Scropton Street back snicket, Barmy Albert is getting into the shower, just as Non-Stick Nora is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. Nora quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there standeth Sidney, the next-door neighbour. Before she utters a syllable, Sid exclaims: "I'll give you £500, if you’re prepared to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, Nora drops her towel and stands naked in front of Sid. After a few seconds, Sid hands her £500 and leaves. Nora then proceeded to wrap herself back up in the towel and returns upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, Albert sez: "Who was that at the door?" Nora replied: "It was Sid, the next-door neighbour," Albert sez: "Excellent! Did he give you that £500 he owes me?" <br /><br /> As I get older, I’ve noticed that: My forget is getting betterer, but my remember tote is broke. To you that may seem amusing, but to me, this is no joke. For when I'm here, I'm wondering, If I really should be there and when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Many times I walk into a room, thinking “what have I come in here for?” I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score. At times I put something away, where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from is generally only me! When shopping, I may see someone and say: “Hello” and have a chat. Then, when that person walks away I think: “Who the flamin’ ‘ell was that?’ Yes, my forget is going betterer but my remember tote is broke, and it's driving me pots for rags and that isn't any joke! <br /><br />I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test...’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" She said, "Because we're still in Liverpool."<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXl3VAPym0FQZ9n-BW1q4kXrV84Ie0j4KIBnFL0S3JkhRM-HXHYtMB_BpG1ps6HAlhY1GxVnl4y-ZM-eLG22hrCfm-Guop5FkoQ-N-knOknu40m7xcYrNtScYo_pR48_HtRm_RgTE_43nFZFjCTzPXtSJvyCS46oBuvoaPFrDd8R-HnVdakcFnG5_ehjk/s936/clean%20comedian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="936" data-original-width="936" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXl3VAPym0FQZ9n-BW1q4kXrV84Ie0j4KIBnFL0S3JkhRM-HXHYtMB_BpG1ps6HAlhY1GxVnl4y-ZM-eLG22hrCfm-Guop5FkoQ-N-knOknu40m7xcYrNtScYo_pR48_HtRm_RgTE_43nFZFjCTzPXtSJvyCS46oBuvoaPFrDd8R-HnVdakcFnG5_ehjk/s320/clean%20comedian.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSuwaihMgMvVUPMcj_fpft4Yr-MkQ3OXRcnGKA2u13Mpchned9tawp1ivdDweFDJMqiwJIlFRJiXnAzSJnpbcbkof1UTUHxHylm6eapP_SyVWUz6sUTuLTBQs5H-ku24rzUdQpFJXxFYHD9NTOipjzrY8_s_6xXF9aKyAA-JmUQyl9QtUeGs1j61bpuCU/s610/happy%20train.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="610" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSuwaihMgMvVUPMcj_fpft4Yr-MkQ3OXRcnGKA2u13Mpchned9tawp1ivdDweFDJMqiwJIlFRJiXnAzSJnpbcbkof1UTUHxHylm6eapP_SyVWUz6sUTuLTBQs5H-ku24rzUdQpFJXxFYHD9NTOipjzrY8_s_6xXF9aKyAA-JmUQyl9QtUeGs1j61bpuCU/s320/happy%20train.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-13314659214520786272024-01-14T02:33:00.000-08:002024-01-15T00:31:02.591-08:00If you fancy a chortle......<p> </p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj6La5EWn4_YuHviVG1CfSHGEJecJyQMOJXA5ApKt5h_NRXy8pJGmfdVQLGuugkwlNFsk-pXR75B8vwi9r0G4-8T5aKcU8RtA7Whog0hdk8C_vI9ehy4huxDihD2HyJh2_yQ4Kad6XEjJ-sXeKWywTPwPRN4gMRLF7HKIl5XGcSG1P1rG_y4odhFua8Ws/s640/grand%20Theft.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="510" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj6La5EWn4_YuHviVG1CfSHGEJecJyQMOJXA5ApKt5h_NRXy8pJGmfdVQLGuugkwlNFsk-pXR75B8vwi9r0G4-8T5aKcU8RtA7Whog0hdk8C_vI9ehy4huxDihD2HyJh2_yQ4Kad6XEjJ-sXeKWywTPwPRN4gMRLF7HKIl5XGcSG1P1rG_y4odhFua8Ws/s320/grand%20Theft.jpg" width="255" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />I walked to the local paint shop to get thinner. It didn't work. I then decided to fill the car up with petrol. I visited petrol filling station, however, the first pump I went to didn’t work, I tried the second pump and nothing came out of that one either, nor the third pump. So, I went into the kiosk and said to the young lady behind the counter: "Do you have your pumps on?" "No, I haven’t", she said "I’ve got me Ugg boots on!" <br /><br /> <br /><br />On Epiphany, The Imperial Wizard Roy Wood was accused of being a hypocrite, after it emerged that he’d taken down all his Yuletide decorations. Despite claiming that he wished it could be Christmas every day, Mr Wood was spotted over the weekend disposing of tinsel, glittery baubles and a Christmas tree (minus all the needles!) at the local Domestic Waste Disposal and Household Items Recycling Centre, (hereinafter referred to as the Tip). What could follow? No snow at Christmas? No peace on earth? Noddy Holder screeching at us that it's NOT actually Christmas? Mud telling us that they weren’t actually lonely this Christmas, they had a load of mates round and were all dancing about on their Tiger Feet? That’s right, That’s Right, That’s Right! <br /><br /> <br /><br />Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street back snicket, standing at the base of a flagpole, gazing skyward when Non-Stick Nora walked by and asked him what he was up to. Albert sez: “I’m supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but I don't have a ladder.” So, Nora took out a pair of mole grips from her handbag, loosened a few nuts and bolts and then proceeded to lay the flagpole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure out of her anorak pocket, took a few measurements and proudly announced that it was exactly sixteen feet and nine inches. Just then, as she was sauntering off, Albert shouted: “Typical woman! I need the height and you give me the length” <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcEHV9xNOuBUMHyTj0UkJTduiwYupCgGYnZNibhUZH0iFgalEtvnLwlzxONGzWt84U0XJ-36h4P1WAjcmxm_5j5j55krvqbQ30udJ7IXdpgy0Ct0sRXPXB1hmDgE4hFz8FHfgIuTijLgvh277xzEYw2WF5MfawnM2ga8Y1czWov9TWub-45OvGjRgpmS8/s640/Horizon%20code.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="509" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcEHV9xNOuBUMHyTj0UkJTduiwYupCgGYnZNibhUZH0iFgalEtvnLwlzxONGzWt84U0XJ-36h4P1WAjcmxm_5j5j55krvqbQ30udJ7IXdpgy0Ct0sRXPXB1hmDgE4hFz8FHfgIuTijLgvh277xzEYw2WF5MfawnM2ga8Y1czWov9TWub-45OvGjRgpmS8/s320/Horizon%20code.jpg" width="255" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Ladies! Listen Up! According to quantum physics, a particle vibrating due to your sound when you speak can affect a molecule inside a star at the very edge of the universe instantly. This phenomenon is known as quantum entanglement. The greatest illusion of the universe is the illusion of separation. It’s like when you’re shopping in The Trafford Centre and your husband goes missing, but you eventually find him in Wetherspoons. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Fascinating Facts: There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. Moreover, after all these years, the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full. <br /><br /> <br /><br />I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she'd show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible! <br /><br /> <br /><br />My granny always used to say that the answer to everything, was a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. She was a lovely woman, but she was rubbish on The Chase. <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHqnSG4P4bqD0wzRCH0kps1KEEtpK8JDLrrrwpqnRmxxIqizSwbpo52GZJyGYRu090uA5bKsEZRbd0Xs26PUvetI1tYHT2pMCctRTMmWDeLDfHpN4bBkXTMzR2E2aKDiTsXJ6qH6gc6DOo2cY59z4VBtxsKgP9OsUVdQV1pVmBcN5SWQEDVTVZCGcBsWY/s320/derek%20and%20noreen.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="272" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHqnSG4P4bqD0wzRCH0kps1KEEtpK8JDLrrrwpqnRmxxIqizSwbpo52GZJyGYRu090uA5bKsEZRbd0Xs26PUvetI1tYHT2pMCctRTMmWDeLDfHpN4bBkXTMzR2E2aKDiTsXJ6qH6gc6DOo2cY59z4VBtxsKgP9OsUVdQV1pVmBcN5SWQEDVTVZCGcBsWY/s1600/derek%20and%20noreen.jpg" width="272" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />In 2024, take care of yourself and avoid accidents, because spare parts for old models like you and I are no longer in stock. <br /><br /> <br /><br />If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are in a quandary, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a cheese omelette! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too: - comedianuk@sky.com<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwPBP6QB30uc1nffczesRO7bO9gz_T9JH3b6EvKNpvjDrIopF43DCn2XBO_xeqb2Jm-iUkkS5z5hRJrDimXMILIIMQeW0Mnc5WzJrqb-AbElspd7fWM3GUvjKGq7fN977GYDle7J_3eVLpIxpwxp2zFjfF0TVSkdOpKQCvjMv9CcrLRJdKnJcs9fOOVaU/s2480/Austin%20Ad.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2480" data-original-width="1748" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwPBP6QB30uc1nffczesRO7bO9gz_T9JH3b6EvKNpvjDrIopF43DCn2XBO_xeqb2Jm-iUkkS5z5hRJrDimXMILIIMQeW0Mnc5WzJrqb-AbElspd7fWM3GUvjKGq7fN977GYDle7J_3eVLpIxpwxp2zFjfF0TVSkdOpKQCvjMv9CcrLRJdKnJcs9fOOVaU/s320/Austin%20Ad.jpg" width="226" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-17645964268618195472024-01-07T01:14:00.000-08:002024-01-07T01:14:09.752-08:00Small Minority Wanted....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgswBGMf3U2lemREy0VqGc1ZlqT9bJsSUczj_ztUpOwYSNyIoaxHbbkSKANhv4AvYPrD8SAC5QuQDou_jSZNodykLE9Ro2AbRqvtr6H5GZbeIFuPQam63ZZRLeBE6SwGNizfYb5PoBvCyc4ZjBj14uazB8PNYKMnRHkhJhEAyQXx8IFHqMnHJLPReMLIPw/s588/Derek.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="330" data-original-width="588" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgswBGMf3U2lemREy0VqGc1ZlqT9bJsSUczj_ztUpOwYSNyIoaxHbbkSKANhv4AvYPrD8SAC5QuQDou_jSZNodykLE9Ro2AbRqvtr6H5GZbeIFuPQam63ZZRLeBE6SwGNizfYb5PoBvCyc4ZjBj14uazB8PNYKMnRHkhJhEAyQXx8IFHqMnHJLPReMLIPw/s320/Derek.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. <br /><br />We were really poor as kids. At Christmas, my older brother got an air guitar and I got his old one… <br /><br />I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was the dulcet tones of Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR! <br /><br />Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied, “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert tottered up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?'” Albert replied: “No, they're mine...” That’s when the fight started! <br /><br />Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage. <br /><br /><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVSoIJ2Y-VHRv1huypXqMj6JwBHuNxxJ7-xuZhvmdB4_4OyFRzrWxICjbmgYkSx52d33fOEHin23g635Wq3QNdLx0cv2S3dNLowJVHtonk11mG0SVPxkNmOkUG1-OrfwXxHQIIggzfGoGMqFWhlx8QSkFCxvxtaSBms8LlobAcwYDyzfvA-sWn-fV4Tzw/s960/Austin%20-%20Sue%20Jenkins%20-%20Lynne%20Perrie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="889" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVSoIJ2Y-VHRv1huypXqMj6JwBHuNxxJ7-xuZhvmdB4_4OyFRzrWxICjbmgYkSx52d33fOEHin23g635Wq3QNdLx0cv2S3dNLowJVHtonk11mG0SVPxkNmOkUG1-OrfwXxHQIIggzfGoGMqFWhlx8QSkFCxvxtaSBms8LlobAcwYDyzfvA-sWn-fV4Tzw/s320/Austin%20-%20Sue%20Jenkins%20-%20Lynne%20Perrie.jpg" width="296" /></a></div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!” <br /><br />New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother. <br /><br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kJyeyQ82h6PfxWtPrQNLzVCqwpLDOmFURShmfLFra_Jp3KthsknfHg2feayq6dorlaHwjcmsnkSBXp8f1BcyP671hFdSvGjUBD2KG96-FfgbKQF7ynk6ehyvkFGUczeWk7s6l2Qq58mV3Sls2SYSadCkokEj1bkV6XaW-vFefeL8ZMIPUI9zT01yEX0/s576/Beaker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="576" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0kJyeyQ82h6PfxWtPrQNLzVCqwpLDOmFURShmfLFra_Jp3KthsknfHg2feayq6dorlaHwjcmsnkSBXp8f1BcyP671hFdSvGjUBD2KG96-FfgbKQF7ynk6ehyvkFGUczeWk7s6l2Qq58mV3Sls2SYSadCkokEj1bkV6XaW-vFefeL8ZMIPUI9zT01yEX0/s320/Beaker.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br />Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?” <br /><br />In 2024 take the following steps to looking after yourself: Avoid lollygaggers, knaves and popinjays. If it dosen’t seem okay, then don’t do it. Say exactly what you mean. Trust your instincts. Never speak in a negative fashion about yourself. Never give up on your dreams. Say NO! a lot more often. Be kind to yourself. Let go of whatever you can’t control. Stay well away from drama, negativity and toxic narcissists. Love. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or you can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_dq_jZGJxA4t4TLPa5N85kqvEpFsKFJoUzKGrxXgjMVfKAAqiX2e_zEui_CqivkpX_LR2rAHJpi705U8oVzLhyphenhyphenExq8kkTPsHiegFnDeQVRIH7k866G7UTcpUhEM49eFXrODPE9M8SceZY1XjamTH4DiJWuRo3Poi4yKbphINyZEPaFFMc9Hpq8CrUMJg/s800/air%20con%20car.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_dq_jZGJxA4t4TLPa5N85kqvEpFsKFJoUzKGrxXgjMVfKAAqiX2e_zEui_CqivkpX_LR2rAHJpi705U8oVzLhyphenhyphenExq8kkTPsHiegFnDeQVRIH7k866G7UTcpUhEM49eFXrODPE9M8SceZY1XjamTH4DiJWuRo3Poi4yKbphINyZEPaFFMc9Hpq8CrUMJg/s320/air%20con%20car.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br /> </div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-15874528745501551632024-01-05T03:06:00.000-08:002024-01-05T03:06:12.303-08:00The New Year Resolution....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwu2LZid_Ve5feJVZmoIPKn_dNjCDJ8aQFvXxgYhE__IJ1AT2ZTM9HXJmr_yH9ppQfCJWDVzOhFfjcE59-UzzUvLex7_Aq37gwovdovVN1SS4Dp2w50EiTZi4c9G0bqzhd0BHxpkGKZ5XlcueqKoffZUo5J0MbuWmsJg9SVNzMt7SwVRDU-dCWlw-HnJQ/s2480/Austin%20Ad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2480" data-original-width="1748" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwu2LZid_Ve5feJVZmoIPKn_dNjCDJ8aQFvXxgYhE__IJ1AT2ZTM9HXJmr_yH9ppQfCJWDVzOhFfjcE59-UzzUvLex7_Aq37gwovdovVN1SS4Dp2w50EiTZi4c9G0bqzhd0BHxpkGKZ5XlcueqKoffZUo5J0MbuWmsJg9SVNzMt7SwVRDU-dCWlw-HnJQ/s320/Austin%20Ad.jpg" width="226" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR! <br /><br />Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied: “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert went up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Non-Stick Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those Thick Lens glasses you're wearing?'” Albert replied: “No, they're mine...” That’s when the fight started! <br /><br />Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage. <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7g2nvrxxHbz9_FS9DIbFDCKANOaoYLIOSlJoqqKFKpcwSHs3er3p47sWTZSpAyoVsN6-4c_p4AvP4tRvXGN2GAKk_j0ujol4F-7jAoQ6ZcOI5qkwLivfa_JePR9ZB0VSo3s-rZ8lZO7yXU7jgyTq-i9QfG2pDYYyOK53P3oKLLLOWmVOnQ29tCYt6rmo/s596/scarf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="596" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7g2nvrxxHbz9_FS9DIbFDCKANOaoYLIOSlJoqqKFKpcwSHs3er3p47sWTZSpAyoVsN6-4c_p4AvP4tRvXGN2GAKk_j0ujol4F-7jAoQ6ZcOI5qkwLivfa_JePR9ZB0VSo3s-rZ8lZO7yXU7jgyTq-i9QfG2pDYYyOK53P3oKLLLOWmVOnQ29tCYt6rmo/s320/scarf.jpg" width="282" /></a></div><br /><br />A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!” <br /><br />New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother. <br /><br />Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?” <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiE2bRnmS665XipwjlvX08DqM_JVAZZSOba1-3H0IcC-5Ewpeamx71z488tNs3opO6ULTn7ZT3wPAamut_CHnzNfSV54XufXkT7FmyNk62m9Mfs8bcqCcF_LAj7_rpLOiA1syR0X9TKp6p9dG_K7cZty2IZM720AbI-YL152TTMxn8HZ8FW1UEQCtq37c/s1280/jewelllery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="547" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiE2bRnmS665XipwjlvX08DqM_JVAZZSOba1-3H0IcC-5Ewpeamx71z488tNs3opO6ULTn7ZT3wPAamut_CHnzNfSV54XufXkT7FmyNk62m9Mfs8bcqCcF_LAj7_rpLOiA1syR0X9TKp6p9dG_K7cZty2IZM720AbI-YL152TTMxn8HZ8FW1UEQCtq37c/s320/jewelllery.jpg" width="137" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com or youcan email me too! comedianuk@sky.com <br /><br /> <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaupmGHXH08Dk_C-PjXp3D0eD0IfmXwAKuCvq-5VIOSq3QqWoimHAjWmNMIrq9m9u7lpEMM9e7REz8J_2B-fvug7C2bjfg5pvuRypBU5kUSbB6LlWr2mBo7mUnuKVWDqroEKPi9UpeIGUAQyCHYgi1QgcsvWEdgg_7qgXDeUzd_l2Yuro2nUF7QlftDU8/s640/pull.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="514" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaupmGHXH08Dk_C-PjXp3D0eD0IfmXwAKuCvq-5VIOSq3QqWoimHAjWmNMIrq9m9u7lpEMM9e7REz8J_2B-fvug7C2bjfg5pvuRypBU5kUSbB6LlWr2mBo7mUnuKVWDqroEKPi9UpeIGUAQyCHYgi1QgcsvWEdgg_7qgXDeUzd_l2Yuro2nUF7QlftDU8/s320/pull.jpg" width="257" /></a></div><br /> austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-3177915972604528202023-12-29T04:25:00.000-08:002024-01-01T04:42:48.333-08:00I get very stressed on New Years Eve. I suffer from Auld Langxiety....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqBNSgsbkJrSiTQ0UU_rGMzFnE7ynWbc6YiaesxP4WPaX5fGkp0RHEia87u-kCEyD1bgk9PwdzCPYaPc4OQEj9ym8hxnrVE2drUI7GhynMCD6Wp8oITaagrAMmZwuYX3gLRNX9SWbVEaQOp9JxzlwstmqOF6Ihjv1U8PkHvtmatGnBhg-05rgjfDkKtx0/s960/Wanke%20Long.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="960" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqBNSgsbkJrSiTQ0UU_rGMzFnE7ynWbc6YiaesxP4WPaX5fGkp0RHEia87u-kCEyD1bgk9PwdzCPYaPc4OQEj9ym8hxnrVE2drUI7GhynMCD6Wp8oITaagrAMmZwuYX3gLRNX9SWbVEaQOp9JxzlwstmqOF6Ihjv1U8PkHvtmatGnBhg-05rgjfDkKtx0/s320/Wanke%20Long.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />Went to see the new Willie Wonka movie over the weekend. It cost £14.50 each to get in! A fella sat a few seats away persisted in making loud and incoherent grunting noises all the way through the movie, which marred the whole experience. I leaned over and asked him where he was from and he pointed upwards and groaned: "the balcony". Then there were two women sat in front of us who constantly chattered throughout the movie. I tapped one of them on the shoulder and sez: “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear.” She replied: “I should hope not. This is a private conversation!” <br /><br />In 2024, remember that you’re not the same person you were a year ago. You’re much worse now… <br /><br />When I told my doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance! <br /><br />Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say: ‘Temporarily Stairs’? <br /><br />Q. Before candles, how did folks light their homes in Toxteth, Liverpool? <br /><br />A. Electricity. <br /><br /> <br /><br />As she opened her presents on Christmas Day morning, I got the only apology I’ve ever had from the wife. She said she was sorry she ever married me. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Fascinating Fact: The worst time to have a coronary thrombosis, is at Christmas time during a game of Charades. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Last year, we got a turkey from IKEA and it took me two days to assemble it and then on Boxing Day, a leg fell off. Never again! <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixsRZ21rgrfBG5VLSrQU4s2qIXrEtldT_nxjPEy1cD1b1aWG5xwHEkJDZ0z6sW54rXnRBX5a1pyT0or0no_lJq7y1nK1ugXTYN67lBPvLSP5K-MUls7BNnk3sv3_PplVkI8j_yPerHIZYYEea2L9LXcyl07pyQFfdsrrlo4rJ8h-2qNeFmVLhEAmk31Cs/s300/stay-weird.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixsRZ21rgrfBG5VLSrQU4s2qIXrEtldT_nxjPEy1cD1b1aWG5xwHEkJDZ0z6sW54rXnRBX5a1pyT0or0no_lJq7y1nK1ugXTYN67lBPvLSP5K-MUls7BNnk3sv3_PplVkI8j_yPerHIZYYEea2L9LXcyl07pyQFfdsrrlo4rJ8h-2qNeFmVLhEAmk31Cs/s1600/stay-weird.webp" width="300" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />In King Charles Christmas address on TV: Global Warming: Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted! I did my bit for climate change this morning. I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used. <br /><br /> <br /><br />Apparently, the most popular New Years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Merely smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day. <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZKsyPSZrxPvkoTYO-QYIO3TKMG-qwdY5Ois8MfJcT-Pj9qVWNiTqTM-_bQHPsaG0P3pNQogH6P9efp2LI_ryImT-qXPuSVLH9GGBniz6TzrDwKH614zhf11-O33iFy2tqPMIN9eSS72KSIfnRPRb7D9hWaRDAxj92fNlZ4CgnkoNfVwOZgPfzA_S78Hs/s320/Birds.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="224" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZKsyPSZrxPvkoTYO-QYIO3TKMG-qwdY5Ois8MfJcT-Pj9qVWNiTqTM-_bQHPsaG0P3pNQogH6P9efp2LI_ryImT-qXPuSVLH9GGBniz6TzrDwKH614zhf11-O33iFy2tqPMIN9eSS72KSIfnRPRb7D9hWaRDAxj92fNlZ4CgnkoNfVwOZgPfzA_S78Hs/s1600/Birds.jpg" width="224" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />On New Years Eve, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were stopped by a police officer on the M67 for speeding. The officer sez: "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." Barmy Albert replies: "Sorry, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating. Not looking up from her Sudoku puzzle book, Nora says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don’t be silly, Albert, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, Albert looks over at his Nora and growls, "Can’t you keep your gob shut for once?" Nora smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, Albert glowers at Nora and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it woman, can’t you keep quiet for a few minutes!" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic £100 fine which is mandatory." Albert, says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket." Nora pipes up:" Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving, and you never passed your test, so you don’t have a driving licence. And as the police officer is writing out the third and fourth ticket Albert turns to Nora and barks, "WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" The officer looks over at Nora and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Madam?" Nora replies: "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking." <br /> <br /> <br /><br />Happy New 2024! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4J7U5N51Bp2fCHmKUNo3uyT0b2kcigI2RV7UYW0nHe0wq6IoCdKmWrCGGWC5oVYsURuyGLlQ81K1hpql4R1boC0lOwaUcUGAdnEYujKrifVlftx-LuzrVKq48LrKjh-2hrtkju9XYBoO4k85imINP7WiG5PdbRGRgTNTegzEEnz6Qu3n1WfCrk25x38g/s624/ban%20austin.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="351" data-original-width="624" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4J7U5N51Bp2fCHmKUNo3uyT0b2kcigI2RV7UYW0nHe0wq6IoCdKmWrCGGWC5oVYsURuyGLlQ81K1hpql4R1boC0lOwaUcUGAdnEYujKrifVlftx-LuzrVKq48LrKjh-2hrtkju9XYBoO4k85imINP7WiG5PdbRGRgTNTegzEEnz6Qu3n1WfCrk25x38g/s320/ban%20austin.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-55130270846321786902023-12-21T00:50:00.000-08:002023-12-21T00:50:53.309-08:00Dec 21 2023 Punchlines Column.<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXVv7-48l0Ja6SWxFFellzsx8BaUsXTMYuSQGaJBNyk4_GImt6scF1TVaknCkwjeMUZXIjhj5aI9yvjVHd4Rvx2YxR0Z5sQ2ARrRX5D0RpLvK1b6GLIukZu2ux-fX-Vut941QgfZ7dhr0W0MR-Kn4u9WoFXN9BPrkWNn1vJ6GUiaVEuZcRUJQMBgaKVfU/s1280/21%20Dec%2023%20COL%23.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="522" height="898" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXVv7-48l0Ja6SWxFFellzsx8BaUsXTMYuSQGaJBNyk4_GImt6scF1TVaknCkwjeMUZXIjhj5aI9yvjVHd4Rvx2YxR0Z5sQ2ARrRX5D0RpLvK1b6GLIukZu2ux-fX-Vut941QgfZ7dhr0W0MR-Kn4u9WoFXN9BPrkWNn1vJ6GUiaVEuZcRUJQMBgaKVfU/w452-h898/21%20Dec%2023%20COL%23.jpeg" width="452" /></a></div><a href="http://www.questmedianetwork.co.uk">www.questmedianetwork.co.uk</a><p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-45222837957639707782023-12-18T01:05:00.000-08:002023-12-18T01:05:45.563-08:00Christmas Crackers!<p> </p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisL8STXfUpXxZKnSHz42jr2birhu4IwwCi5ZJpbocP2Sodjc8KFOZknyCFiCDALq5IOSP0kWTpN_Bk5egAQyAokDlvecYjC3xTcJoQxOTgkmEUnjt0RsJhHxXnYNWRr0PyW7-Mv3alyxndxCgc8NmtHCUotcroCm-3PQSTNNVFS9EVXRZXgCq_Hu-lED0/s1791/austin%20santa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1791" data-original-width="1791" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisL8STXfUpXxZKnSHz42jr2birhu4IwwCi5ZJpbocP2Sodjc8KFOZknyCFiCDALq5IOSP0kWTpN_Bk5egAQyAokDlvecYjC3xTcJoQxOTgkmEUnjt0RsJhHxXnYNWRr0PyW7-Mv3alyxndxCgc8NmtHCUotcroCm-3PQSTNNVFS9EVXRZXgCq_Hu-lED0/s320/austin%20santa.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Further to last weeks announcement regarding the introduction of female referees for the first time in the premier league, players have been advised that they will most likely get booked for fouls they committed years ago, that they had completely forgotten about. <br /><br />I find it quite disconcerting that after fifty years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or what kind of Trumpet he played!<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-9PmZhQdetlsEGHvQEzV58NfYU17IyOmCEkN2GEGCzSdT_p_8Ltolbif_62Gql_ANhRc9Us2Yr2izt07t0lJ4mDZIiurjebQHspBhP_jWTrHBGt5_02JEM6WSt_7JGHGcweA1gJWFLMM2T1-yQV_oRc-3Jy0tFKqJ6u9lZxFup8a-dnjpgSlSdcbMMo/s400/austin%20Wreath.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-9PmZhQdetlsEGHvQEzV58NfYU17IyOmCEkN2GEGCzSdT_p_8Ltolbif_62Gql_ANhRc9Us2Yr2izt07t0lJ4mDZIiurjebQHspBhP_jWTrHBGt5_02JEM6WSt_7JGHGcweA1gJWFLMM2T1-yQV_oRc-3Jy0tFKqJ6u9lZxFup8a-dnjpgSlSdcbMMo/s320/austin%20Wreath.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />On Christmas Eve, at a crowded Stalybridge bus stop, Non-Stick Nora was waiting for the 237 bus, and was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, Nora reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large bloke from Mossley, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. Nora went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The bloke from Mossley smiled and replied, "Well, missus, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends.”</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8qA8YzFdbnIQ3ONE9B85FoBAUw9lMWks1lNuKa2yZgYvi1afzH5CUT6ZFHY5w1RKCRJy1jhwfz8Gzdfm8AMtdxD0wOW-NAqTQGgTITV2aM6CV30bOqBCXn23Nx7zcUx-mOzO33AtFVGJ-7GZeZFdVwaQbZW8bn_4AcyWBZ4mfZXekziUB37uSntCVWys/s600/Austins%20Xmas%20Crackers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="511" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8qA8YzFdbnIQ3ONE9B85FoBAUw9lMWks1lNuKa2yZgYvi1afzH5CUT6ZFHY5w1RKCRJy1jhwfz8Gzdfm8AMtdxD0wOW-NAqTQGgTITV2aM6CV30bOqBCXn23Nx7zcUx-mOzO33AtFVGJ-7GZeZFdVwaQbZW8bn_4AcyWBZ4mfZXekziUB37uSntCVWys/s320/Austins%20Xmas%20Crackers.jpg" width="273" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost! <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqRHLvsKfh2TWLvdbyDotkhu8BNh-78C8KrFwJqFJ88HpDUe744ywBMaDufN-boYFkQWYGiXWOsPzvBbVQlnsayv8Lb3tMn0PrGOOvC8eyV1ZULXQCMto38IeiFA48gDBDmyWxqmMBHtoeGOfOgh-eTEmb_B_Ks78jU3ZAReUOGLaElqa4Z22VzXXhp2Q/s473/matthew-diffee-what-wine-goes-best-with-vodka-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="473" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqRHLvsKfh2TWLvdbyDotkhu8BNh-78C8KrFwJqFJ88HpDUe744ywBMaDufN-boYFkQWYGiXWOsPzvBbVQlnsayv8Lb3tMn0PrGOOvC8eyV1ZULXQCMto38IeiFA48gDBDmyWxqmMBHtoeGOfOgh-eTEmb_B_Ks78jU3ZAReUOGLaElqa4Z22VzXXhp2Q/s320/matthew-diffee-what-wine-goes-best-with-vodka-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />It’s the week before Christmas and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked Big Chief Sitting Bull if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be well prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone box, called the BBC Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So, the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the BBC Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter? 'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters that we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shedload of firewood!'</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7NTSRH6l4kJ0-PDZLAlkDGZh02pEeqoRA6PSMhv2tL5dAYHqtY8qEpR5IP_OgK4KHgaMjKdsrAx58ADOmhjgPcqdOUewdS3mIWYtBIbFZBQQLiGGzmCWhy2Isya4NnCzjISz-lSysjvwXSvZ66f_d8jdvAD4bM6UHz1WvhHykWiyBjtX1TyCeWpfVzqY/s461/wreath%202.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="374" data-original-width="461" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7NTSRH6l4kJ0-PDZLAlkDGZh02pEeqoRA6PSMhv2tL5dAYHqtY8qEpR5IP_OgK4KHgaMjKdsrAx58ADOmhjgPcqdOUewdS3mIWYtBIbFZBQQLiGGzmCWhy2Isya4NnCzjISz-lSysjvwXSvZ66f_d8jdvAD4bM6UHz1WvhHykWiyBjtX1TyCeWpfVzqY/s320/wreath%202.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br /> </div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-37413182086742067782023-12-10T04:56:00.000-08:002023-12-10T04:56:48.790-08:00Have a cool Yule, folks!"<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjziJGmTzo26O3w_HZdCwoiLJVZdZzPJNFCShOVh7iTkixehCvkT4-jr4SdPX4m8-Al2gdfWKdUEc6t35R4OV3A1FFzfZiwrfLT4Vuu2DoRw-8-t76N-t57K0P4dYSEnrFnYpqah21QhusUJ3fQmCs43WX1LNFu4kwPzj0hDt9YLaiQz1X_eulq24haUy0/s1125/austin%20cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="495" data-original-width="1125" height="185" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjziJGmTzo26O3w_HZdCwoiLJVZdZzPJNFCShOVh7iTkixehCvkT4-jr4SdPX4m8-Al2gdfWKdUEc6t35R4OV3A1FFzfZiwrfLT4Vuu2DoRw-8-t76N-t57K0P4dYSEnrFnYpqah21QhusUJ3fQmCs43WX1LNFu4kwPzj0hDt9YLaiQz1X_eulq24haUy0/w438-h185/austin%20cover.jpg" width="438" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! <br /><br />I asked the lady in the laundrette: “How many degrees should I set the washing machine on?” She replied: “What does it say on the T-Shirt?” I sez: “Pink Floyd…” <br /><br />Following on from the 3-0 drubbing from Bournemouth, Manchester United are not far off from being title contenders. All they require is a goalkeeper, four defenders, three midfielders, two wingers. a striker and a new manager. Sam Allardyce is waiting on the wings! <br /><br />I asked the missus what she would like for Christmas. She sez: “Get me summat sexy!” I went to that Ann Summers lingerie outlet and asked: “Can I have a see-through negligence, size 22.” The fella behind the counter sez: “What do you want to see through that for?” <br /><br />Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as Nora turned to Albert, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him whereabouts he was. Quietly he sez: “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?” Nora choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.” “Well, I’m in the Wetherspoons next door.” <br /><br />This year, when octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle received his £10 Christmas Pension Award he caught the No 5 bus to Fiveways and put his tenner, (five quid each way) on the fifth horse in the fifth race at Christmas Kempton at 5/1 and it came fifth and so he remains a skint pensioner. Gimme Five!<br /> <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZT13m18eZtZRVmAYHzWaQPXnqRBA4ziNrjTMODJ-JGxnBjk15xoVfaS5Px_m2vcUVJ2B2oq3Hl3F-Wqw1P1DuHcLrQ1qna8LsF5BEGL7blm7aKWD4mzqnNsBZ7qVpi3vSsJe76UZO8DNxpu-dOgor9DZEiAYya6tb3JRwrB92-AIi6_0oe8HxnkKtJz8/s960/Aladdin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZT13m18eZtZRVmAYHzWaQPXnqRBA4ziNrjTMODJ-JGxnBjk15xoVfaS5Px_m2vcUVJ2B2oq3Hl3F-Wqw1P1DuHcLrQ1qna8LsF5BEGL7blm7aKWD4mzqnNsBZ7qVpi3vSsJe76UZO8DNxpu-dOgor9DZEiAYya6tb3JRwrB92-AIi6_0oe8HxnkKtJz8/s320/Aladdin.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Christmas Tip: Husbands: If your wife does summat wrong just explain to her how your mother did it. She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as perfectly as your mum did. <br /><br />In The Twelve days of Christmas song, have you noticed how many of the gifts are birds. Six out of the first seven days, your true love just gives you birds. Culminating in a total of 23 birds! What if you are allergic to birds, or just plain don’t like ‘em? I reckon that on day five, you’re like “Wow! Five Golden Rings! We’re finally done with the flamin’ birds” and then BAM! Six geese arrive! <br /><br />I often mistakenly buy duplicate jars of herbs - Thyme and thyme again. <br /><br />The geezer in the post office queue curtly informed me “There are a lot of nasty bugs going around the area at the present time”. Whist driving home, I had morbid visions of a ten-foot tall cockroach with a baseball bat hammering on the front door at 2am in the morning. Isn’t life a hoot when you’re barmy? <br /><br />A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’ <br /><br />At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv2frFDyf_xZeAnm2pEYA6_CB_MdEh68DefM7lmYM-jhvJGqOVjv-lPtDLDUX7k8_mkLiaCJ0hvvifAa8nZbjNsd0TnyxmunBJuWUFM7Zi7UCRwtVCoqzYrUjfx9ZRCzZHTCtILDACwesTZWKShX67tdHjtaY-dvmDEoTF2XNsxkvR7wTR_ewJtE8ESOA/s548/austin%20bog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="548" data-original-width="548" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv2frFDyf_xZeAnm2pEYA6_CB_MdEh68DefM7lmYM-jhvJGqOVjv-lPtDLDUX7k8_mkLiaCJ0hvvifAa8nZbjNsd0TnyxmunBJuWUFM7Zi7UCRwtVCoqzYrUjfx9ZRCzZHTCtILDACwesTZWKShX67tdHjtaY-dvmDEoTF2XNsxkvR7wTR_ewJtE8ESOA/s320/austin%20bog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-81461342650591374542023-12-03T06:41:00.000-08:002023-12-03T06:41:45.275-08:00Arctic conditions...<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOdgIzEVUl3YPkwxwvjn92rBfKA2Xn_DKdk88M3wSg81OW5fVpx5nZoVewUNG7FroxLiLN_3G9ur-CjmVgEHVCUu9FT_yZAOMuIvRkwIKLdb3XrRk_ZZAVwlC-agb1VDYG61DqeDC_GOq0QMYj8ZclnMl3Mh2p-fTfhIg1eUr0lW_i2_yQRBOIq9lkM_w/s533/189001_10150118951009646_3999014_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="442" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOdgIzEVUl3YPkwxwvjn92rBfKA2Xn_DKdk88M3wSg81OW5fVpx5nZoVewUNG7FroxLiLN_3G9ur-CjmVgEHVCUu9FT_yZAOMuIvRkwIKLdb3XrRk_ZZAVwlC-agb1VDYG61DqeDC_GOq0QMYj8ZclnMl3Mh2p-fTfhIg1eUr0lW_i2_yQRBOIq9lkM_w/s320/189001_10150118951009646_3999014_n.jpg" width="265" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />I very nearly got run over by a council salt spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute moron!” Albeit through gritted teeth. <br /><br /> According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only four more days to Christmas! Personally, I reckon that this particular advent calendars days are numbered… <br /><br />In the grand scheme of things, I reckon that there online shopping gubbins is alright, but I hate having to get up off the sofa in order to get my credit card out of my wallet. I’m so lazy these days, I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm and I get the next-door neighbour to shout my dog in! Still on the subject of online shopping, I hear on the grapevine that the Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon has left his wife, presumably with a neighbour, or inside the brown bin. I did very well on eBay, though. I sold a homing pigeon 541 times!<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKbn-zz26bvDAsLR5l0WfJP8M6kdgbjm5uGY9d0GEnv3-PVUjzEGyX0w-OfZqP0qDYxFeizPwxa53EuHqXa8zvzW-721oBOxyDp0aQB_p9pi4ZUhXfQ6Mx_sXgt35MDp1Ab-htlv52_exFZ0sHd8jwHE2AJRP8AA_Ps2bsnq9GgxxjZlgqlBAyGQwMtlI/s960/174339989_10158134441119646_5173389992660085686_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="946" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKbn-zz26bvDAsLR5l0WfJP8M6kdgbjm5uGY9d0GEnv3-PVUjzEGyX0w-OfZqP0qDYxFeizPwxa53EuHqXa8zvzW-721oBOxyDp0aQB_p9pi4ZUhXfQ6Mx_sXgt35MDp1Ab-htlv52_exFZ0sHd8jwHE2AJRP8AA_Ps2bsnq9GgxxjZlgqlBAyGQwMtlI/s320/174339989_10158134441119646_5173389992660085686_n.jpg" width="315" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />I purchased a shirt and some neckwear from eBay that used to belong to the bloke from the Mamas and the Papas. All the sleeves are brown and the tie is grey. <br /><br />I just found out the Neighbourhood Watch had a meeting last night about a crazy person on our road. What I find it quite disconcerting is that they didn't invite me. <br /><br />To say that my career has taken a downturn, is an understatement. I’ve just been invited to switch off Blackpool illuminations. On the plus side, I can make a comeback without actually going anywhere. <br /><br />It was freezing cold when Barmy Albert was leaving the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as he staggered up Scropton Street back snicket, he slipped on the icy pavement and was unable to get back up again, primarily because of the treacherous condition of the cobbles. Non-Stick Nora ran up and asked him: “Ooh! Have you slipped on the icy pavement?” Albert replied: “No. I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket!” That’s when the fight started!</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBmkHr7kI_ODJzFjK6uvRrD81xTlg9ebO0lOmopMZNogwjTHTGBDutD9jDhbQY_GLcPD8lhpqYfYyPR1g5pqN5QJO5sWFbCnst86HgRJpn1wsXjNzoB7nGezvtC7Q7JGY0s9aAfpblk_9ppLmUFsOHzTZNR_NFxWP0xFMnExnzvgNeKTlpvaKNeBngdR4/s1341/163329583_10224731740618549_7354320112746743900_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1341" data-original-width="1078" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBmkHr7kI_ODJzFjK6uvRrD81xTlg9ebO0lOmopMZNogwjTHTGBDutD9jDhbQY_GLcPD8lhpqYfYyPR1g5pqN5QJO5sWFbCnst86HgRJpn1wsXjNzoB7nGezvtC7Q7JGY0s9aAfpblk_9ppLmUFsOHzTZNR_NFxWP0xFMnExnzvgNeKTlpvaKNeBngdR4/s320/163329583_10224731740618549_7354320112746743900_o.jpg" width="257" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />I’ve just bought Pavarotti’s old camper van. It's a Nissan dormer. Only cost me a tenor! Pavarotti used to be a tad temperamental. When he was onstage, he didn’t like it if you joined in…, <br /><br />A Yorkshire bloke from Doncaster goes into the jewelers. He sez: " Can tha mek me a gold statue o’ mi dog? " Aye, a reckon a can, " sez jeweler. “Does tha want it eighteen carat?" " No." replies the Yorkshire lad, "I’ll ‘ave it chewin’ a bone" <br /><br />Jeepers! It was so cold last week, I spotted a Scouser with his hands in his own pockets! On the same subject, you must have visited Knowsley Safari Park in Liverpoool. Were you aware that it was built adjacent to a council housing estate. Apparently, back in the day, the tenants association took umbrage and contacted their M.P. and asked what would happen if a lion or a gorilla escaped and was found wandering around their housing estate. The M.P told them that the animal would just have to fend for itself.</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoRttxauUPO9t8SYwz-qBqCnOQRuo-HxXK3ZJhdKmumoZnwxFqwu_Eo5Sq1ARJQ16Q5mdS6SqIfEa0EAxOin0-uCoJr8zRpsJ2S_fpFS6kx3QqJcezBd_GKU85EwNnK1K_Gz03QeRLE4aiMbM32HDdDb1kGRt1YVAQX-As0HKYjY0f0C-NuTl1XauyXyU/s526/161542212_3945013798894219_328166682025672163_o.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="526" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoRttxauUPO9t8SYwz-qBqCnOQRuo-HxXK3ZJhdKmumoZnwxFqwu_Eo5Sq1ARJQ16Q5mdS6SqIfEa0EAxOin0-uCoJr8zRpsJ2S_fpFS6kx3QqJcezBd_GKU85EwNnK1K_Gz03QeRLE4aiMbM32HDdDb1kGRt1YVAQX-As0HKYjY0f0C-NuTl1XauyXyU/s320/161542212_3945013798894219_328166682025672163_o.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro sez: "Hey, Mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. ,"Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." "Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "Okay, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang: "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!" <br /><br /> <br /><br />On the showbiz grapevine: It transpires that Elton John dislikes iceberg lettuce. Apparently, he’s a Rocket Man. Moreover, he has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill for Christmas. He’s a little fit bunny…</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoExIgF8-XxpHkrqqtUDBRsBZABVumrZ-Q6-fEA_rg8lREYaHD40cERm1zs4lm5yizCF2ZUdqHPQwAa8TXx2uBChELa9bVsbsKAfNZ9h9VBQeWK0aK7TQVuPgr1XBZLrVeMsrqQdxMV8oEX7jV-uZEi4V35029rBUj0B4IyxsdmGCIcXJe8dhHHqxjuhg/s795/mushroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="795" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoExIgF8-XxpHkrqqtUDBRsBZABVumrZ-Q6-fEA_rg8lREYaHD40cERm1zs4lm5yizCF2ZUdqHPQwAa8TXx2uBChELa9bVsbsKAfNZ9h9VBQeWK0aK7TQVuPgr1XBZLrVeMsrqQdxMV8oEX7jV-uZEi4V35029rBUj0B4IyxsdmGCIcXJe8dhHHqxjuhg/s320/mushroom.jpg" width="258" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-5754975760072241342023-11-30T04:02:00.000-08:002023-11-30T04:02:46.320-08:00That's when the fight started....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh88lDnykMMBJKvbQlM0HQ5UFXecnBxOyQdcB4afPCMzq25jCbpiFx11RGVJeiGM5M1Sb5QXX7iPeNKIQmZlARIWmx77jUqWaYeHIxBdKqH5TovWunzszoLvhpG9aNhDgvgsC4-rRPeC4n3NcOR9z2mA-fC5YueQD6MDMHbRUS4KTXgiARWrFXoZZml9_Y/s1280/col%2030%20nov.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="527" height="477" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh88lDnykMMBJKvbQlM0HQ5UFXecnBxOyQdcB4afPCMzq25jCbpiFx11RGVJeiGM5M1Sb5QXX7iPeNKIQmZlARIWmx77jUqWaYeHIxBdKqH5TovWunzszoLvhpG9aNhDgvgsC4-rRPeC4n3NcOR9z2mA-fC5YueQD6MDMHbRUS4KTXgiARWrFXoZZml9_Y/w229-h477/col%2030%20nov.jpeg" width="229" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">It was raining torrentially last Sunday, and the wife (My wife
is a stunner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She works down the local
abbatoir.) had planned to go down to our local pub, The Pit Bull and
Stanley-Knife, but she had fallen out of the first- floor window, whilst
ironing the curtains.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The missus had a
split shift rota-system at work to adhere to on Monday, (she is a gritter over
Woodhead) so she wanted just to ‘chill-out’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I suppose, that’s what gritters do. Meanwhile, my next-door neighbour
‘Barmy Albert’ was shuffling around his house feeling thoroughly dejected and
suffering compound manic depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His
wife, ‘Non-Stick’ Nora, has left him. She had gone out last week for a bottle
of milk, and never came back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked
him how he was coping, he replied, “Luckily, I had a tin of that powdered
stuff”. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The countdown is on! The missus wanted to know what was my
favourite Christmas Carol. Apparently, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Vorderman’ was the wrong answer. That’s when
the fight started!<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv4LtAMs8Bs9WaiKUUl-v_iEISyzGNWQJG-AvV6sjnKTBjvWW5caWAb6m6ya5Pn9OHCDeEzeweVIvulYCT-dWNL3MmgGTkTQkndKsq1uhUID0a0h45jqHW4jd_QWGkZIMag1ZESBwLBUzlheuCvYkZZ7z-HTDFBzex-KmWaIte4X_GCbfZ1AmcKYEoFcs/s960/Austin%20working%20the%20room.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv4LtAMs8Bs9WaiKUUl-v_iEISyzGNWQJG-AvV6sjnKTBjvWW5caWAb6m6ya5Pn9OHCDeEzeweVIvulYCT-dWNL3MmgGTkTQkndKsq1uhUID0a0h45jqHW4jd_QWGkZIMag1ZESBwLBUzlheuCvYkZZ7z-HTDFBzex-KmWaIte4X_GCbfZ1AmcKYEoFcs/s320/Austin%20working%20the%20room.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While out hunting, with the boys, Barmy Albert got into hot
water yet again and ended up in court for shooting down a Golden Eagle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The judge wanted to know why he had committed
such a heinous crime, recklessly killing a protected species.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In his defence, Albert told the judge that he’d
been shooting clay pigeons and the gun had gone off by accident and the next
thing he knew was that the bird fell at his feet and there was nothing he could
do about it. It wasn’t done on purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a genuine accident. The judge asked Albert what became of the
remains of the bird. In mitigation, Albert said that as the animal was already
deceased, they took it back to camp and roasted it over the campfire and
consumed it that very night. The judge was flabbergasted! In his summing up, he
said: “I don’t believe that you actually ate a protected species! Could you
tell me what it tasted like?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “It
tasted a bit like swan…” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Two pigs were freezing in the snow and one says to the other:
“It’s flippin’ perishing cold today, me trotters are frozen solid!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other pig sez: "Don't worry, I’ve
heard that we’re getting some blankets for Christmas."<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdCG9grummz12QlJECVBuMxRKTHSt3wMMPBkGW3PFuIK7wLy1GyYtB3F5hoOqawx_zIsmdgGRKEQBUAVtZhudKByImk7QYmRx-AGaC9fsTIwN-64ONhFEyLr8YdwVVQn_qO4s6WPfPXDH434XmYMMIXBg8bQ_2ZxsuXyxGfhsjgISywutJKBBC2ZsMYL0/s526/HS2%20Route.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="511" data-original-width="526" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdCG9grummz12QlJECVBuMxRKTHSt3wMMPBkGW3PFuIK7wLy1GyYtB3F5hoOqawx_zIsmdgGRKEQBUAVtZhudKByImk7QYmRx-AGaC9fsTIwN-64ONhFEyLr8YdwVVQn_qO4s6WPfPXDH434XmYMMIXBg8bQ_2ZxsuXyxGfhsjgISywutJKBBC2ZsMYL0/s320/HS2%20Route.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I had an altercation with the manager of our local Tesco over
the weekend. I was ejected from the staff canteen and was thrown out!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told them I was on my break, but they
insisted that I didn’t work there and the facilities were for employees only.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told them that I’d been using the self-service
till on a regular basis, so I clearly do work there, albeit unpaid! I’m looking
forward to the Christmas do!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">Innit awful gerrin auld.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of an expensive
after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale
cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s). The
gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to
her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwLtz0dwJPRtY294LB0Q0k-rWvjGGX8FZMb_HR9iGhXhcAPYEfYL8H_L1BWQQKJogRzlW5urT5mhI3zzBX-Y1O3J62jJd0dKyCBbRo50m-FBos2DNMYGs1h1jkveXPLpL4wD-I8QX1E3Jr49ZdWikBYhOpGYhapt0uEFPeeSTKbxxHJMnED7Q7SjEqdq0/s1146/exasperated.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="608" data-original-width="1146" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwLtz0dwJPRtY294LB0Q0k-rWvjGGX8FZMb_HR9iGhXhcAPYEfYL8H_L1BWQQKJogRzlW5urT5mhI3zzBX-Y1O3J62jJd0dKyCBbRo50m-FBos2DNMYGs1h1jkveXPLpL4wD-I8QX1E3Jr49ZdWikBYhOpGYhapt0uEFPeeSTKbxxHJMnED7Q7SjEqdq0/w433-h223/exasperated.jpg" width="433" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house.
After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other
man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought
and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You
know… the one that’s red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?", "Yes, that’s the
one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?"</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">We were on the High St yesterday and the missus asked me:
"What have you got me for Krimbo?" I sez, "You see that big pink
Mercedes Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies,
"Yeah!" I sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same
colour!"<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhisivNqYqgvfMYya4Uu-7Owpaakt1mdexN7krgoyMcYML7wLnh3G2ZzKm8WgtnxuruEJIah8XG-FObz1E8aAofoMNgxXzQWpaLXRdhUVOnMvV84W8stoWqz9Kd6lBtHNfDJ2RkmDJlC_90rBr_uSnRflfyspZChtF-aHe7iUfARS-Hspd73Nzo0NnU4CY/s940/Austin%20crowd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="198" data-original-width="940" height="112" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhisivNqYqgvfMYya4Uu-7Owpaakt1mdexN7krgoyMcYML7wLnh3G2ZzKm8WgtnxuruEJIah8XG-FObz1E8aAofoMNgxXzQWpaLXRdhUVOnMvV84W8stoWqz9Kd6lBtHNfDJ2RkmDJlC_90rBr_uSnRflfyspZChtF-aHe7iUfARS-Hspd73Nzo0NnU4CY/w536-h112/Austin%20crowd.jpg" width="536" /></a></div><br /><p></p>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-46565300579220655962023-11-18T02:30:00.000-08:002023-11-21T03:02:07.871-08:00The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife Slimming Club...<p> <span style="color: red;"> Austin Knight & Mark Lawrenson</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEjTOR6kjXixN2K00XmPJgiwvNoa7weVJ4lgYXKfD6ZpuGWi5VV_1kmwlDvDTEsnYMFdRW9tSE1kfRP9lbVj8xEAk1_hiUp_lrusGBDuwo1CFDuombb-4WzNiWAw8utbDgHHS5VPoj2OBqT2g9TLK_zWHqQ-0AU0gD53SBRBIj1Pqxk0WiRJU820sjmGM/s960/Mark%20Lawrenson.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="570" data-original-width="960" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEjTOR6kjXixN2K00XmPJgiwvNoa7weVJ4lgYXKfD6ZpuGWi5VV_1kmwlDvDTEsnYMFdRW9tSE1kfRP9lbVj8xEAk1_hiUp_lrusGBDuwo1CFDuombb-4WzNiWAw8utbDgHHS5VPoj2OBqT2g9TLK_zWHqQ-0AU0gD53SBRBIj1Pqxk0WiRJU820sjmGM/w472-h245/Mark%20Lawrenson.jpg" width="472" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community! <br /><br /> <br /><br />The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back… <br /><br /> <br /><br />Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton. <br /><br /> <br /><br />The new Marks & Spencer advert says: “It wouldn't be Christmas without M & S”. This is correct, because without M & S it would spell Chrita... <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQLd63nO37Fh4OnHzGO2hkXVwWQv_VIMPL3NH2BZ64yHVE_b2eeZ5ZKBo4DXvH8q27ALGMqbNNyAeDKuq3uVMpEGaTtLmKpBlWfFsP2HU6xB_Yrwqq6dYGoDFViX9-OpnBQnH3h1qsNAvf4loRuF5uJlvEGsJb0AtiMlq3KkGY6-JRFCJbYDT8D-FqWPo/s955/Austin%20Knight%20-%20Dave%20Pennington%20-%20Bruce%20Grobbellaar.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="444" data-original-width="955" height="149" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQLd63nO37Fh4OnHzGO2hkXVwWQv_VIMPL3NH2BZ64yHVE_b2eeZ5ZKBo4DXvH8q27ALGMqbNNyAeDKuq3uVMpEGaTtLmKpBlWfFsP2HU6xB_Yrwqq6dYGoDFViX9-OpnBQnH3h1qsNAvf4loRuF5uJlvEGsJb0AtiMlq3KkGY6-JRFCJbYDT8D-FqWPo/s320/Austin%20Knight%20-%20Dave%20Pennington%20-%20Bruce%20Grobbellaar.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert are languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife one evening, just nattering, when Nora suddenly asks: "If I died, would you re-marry?" "Probably" Albert answered. "You would?" Nora asked, a bit surprised. "Would you let her come into my house?" "I suppose so." "Would she be cooking in my kitchenette?" "She most certainly would!" "Would she be soaking her corns in my foot spa?" "She would!" "Would she be putting all her gansies in my wardrobe?" "I would think so!" Growing more exasperated, Nora continued asking: "Would she be driving my Reliant Robin?" "She would!" "Would she be kipping in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she be using my golf clubs?" "Oh, no, definitely not." Albert said. Nora asked him: "Why not?" Albert replied: "Because she’s left-handed." That’s when the fight started! <br /><br /> <br /><br />Dastardly Derek owned a public house in the Stalybridge area. The Department of Social Security and Pensions heard that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent down to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” demanded the agent. "Well", replied the Derek, "There’s my chef, who’s been with me for three years. I pay him £500 a week plus free room and board. The barmaid has been here for eighteen months, and I pay her £300 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the moron who works about twenty hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 a week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of red wine every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That’s the guy I want to talk to, the moron," says the agent. ”That would be me", replied Dastardly Derek…. <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1LUUf9O9PsTJAUFIKQgbN1o-lIUa9hesdFftxhUmWCdqMBsHbRDntapgGuOQNmOnjGBU-ubFD0R6HvQZ_LUKkh3oAbsoXn1TbXvhYjD8IzsKjSMyn4ymhCLiVOgn0Qnta-104Cg4bF-lsChpQMUXOS5tWR1I4KYGT2A8HlDw93Uh86I_wqzCvVT0vU2I/s320/extreme%20pissin.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="239" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1LUUf9O9PsTJAUFIKQgbN1o-lIUa9hesdFftxhUmWCdqMBsHbRDntapgGuOQNmOnjGBU-ubFD0R6HvQZ_LUKkh3oAbsoXn1TbXvhYjD8IzsKjSMyn4ymhCLiVOgn0Qnta-104Cg4bF-lsChpQMUXOS5tWR1I4KYGT2A8HlDw93Uh86I_wqzCvVT0vU2I/s1600/extreme%20pissin.jpg" width="239" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />Some friends in my local pub ‘The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’ had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 75p for this bar of chocolate?" They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I’ll give you three quid for it!" <br /><br /> <br /><br />The famous actor Richard Gere has a brother who is a ventriloquist. His name is Gotler. I was doing a gig last week and was engaged at Fisons Fertilisers Football Club at Fiddlers Ferry. I worked with Gotler Gere, who is an excellent ventriloquist. He was going through his routine and launched into a run of silly blonde jokes, which I thought were quite harmless, when all of a sudden, a blonde woman in the first row stood up and bawled: “Okay, stoopid, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes…. what makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their value as a human being? It’s cretins like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the general community from reaching my full potential as a person; because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humour!” Flustered, Gotler began to profoundly apologise, when suddenly, the blonde pipes up: “You shut up and stay out of this Mister – I’m talking to that little guy on your knee!!” <div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDCVfO5C1-qXuzSkwzREjgOAD7v8SRzKTcFTNwpg_Daa1MK5srwmsDkTGRdUfvY8MWE7yqB_DKeffxP-atb8MOnfcZS5znd4KJyLDlvuWhHJzl0Eear80wF5pSKG1erW6LhiFrxma3BNwoUq1AmRmWKO-ZdbA9FKkXuz_Fn8Rtod16TWyAjPpbAAiIm9Y/s1128/Network.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="494" data-original-width="1128" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDCVfO5C1-qXuzSkwzREjgOAD7v8SRzKTcFTNwpg_Daa1MK5srwmsDkTGRdUfvY8MWE7yqB_DKeffxP-atb8MOnfcZS5znd4KJyLDlvuWhHJzl0Eear80wF5pSKG1erW6LhiFrxma3BNwoUq1AmRmWKO-ZdbA9FKkXuz_Fn8Rtod16TWyAjPpbAAiIm9Y/s320/Network.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-51763993203983845172023-11-11T02:26:00.001-08:002023-11-11T02:26:16.717-08:00Making sandcastles with my grandad....<p> </p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZSy59Wg62dRTNC4UEKt3WAEU9YnOgkOBMdSsYcj5EEUZmjI5fWfp7pFH3IZ5lDveu00UpM-hEE8q9KBd0FJoGYvO8qwoXk72AHIoLYA6Y04B9WiyHu65P8CTZvC6pLoYrjGQJagWwsKqrU4Rcy4Zc0DWQtaK1u9Fz56OJ0ueF2V_8WzeVPK7rhyphenhyphenmWbxI/s1280/UK%20Cab%20Nov.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="878" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZSy59Wg62dRTNC4UEKt3WAEU9YnOgkOBMdSsYcj5EEUZmjI5fWfp7pFH3IZ5lDveu00UpM-hEE8q9KBd0FJoGYvO8qwoXk72AHIoLYA6Y04B9WiyHu65P8CTZvC6pLoYrjGQJagWwsKqrU4Rcy4Zc0DWQtaK1u9Fz56OJ0ueF2V_8WzeVPK7rhyphenhyphenmWbxI/s320/UK%20Cab%20Nov.jpeg" width="220" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />It’s amazing how times change. I fondly recollect when I used to make sandcastles with my grandad. Until my grandmother ruined it and took the urn away. Moreover, My grandfather served in Iraq. He was Saddam Hussains butler… <br /><br />Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went on a charabanc trip from The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife pub and they visited the races at Doncaster. Neither of them knew nothing whatsoever about racing, betting or horses. Albert picks one with the best name, Chunky Monkey. Anyway, this horse has odds of 200/1 and any punter with even minimal racing knowledge wouldn’t even back a horse with these rank-outsider odds. They get to the starting blocks and after several minutes the race commences. After a couple hundred metres Chunky Monkey seemed to be doing moderately well. However, the nag suddenly turned around and started heading back to towards the starting block. Barmy Albert started getting excited and stood up screaming and shouting at the top of his voice: "Go Chunky Monkey. Go!” A few seconds later the horse crossed the finish line the opposite way! Albert was ecstatic and yelled out: “I'm rich! I’ve won a fortune!” Non-Stick Nora sez: " Hey Albert, why are you so happy, that was one dud of a horse for crying out loud, he ran the wrong flamin’ direction" “That does not matter.” Albert sez with a huge grin on his face. “I backed it each way!” <br /><br />The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with using too many metaphors. It came as a bolt out of the blue. You could’ve knocked me down with a feather. Took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer! <br /><br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjdLGT47zGIznq1JXCXwPB214MaxjsbTM3_O1ZJQG9aV-FXOqiEW4xwL3355bGXHmiDxv-AxVTYyvjdeECiZKFO0Iiof1lgYGYjr-jE7_U8Po9CBJfmw1S1gFjekBkGH3ezw3JNBWR0NW36In61dq0Y-wi7tgN7Yl8BE8QK9Ycg4CzyYO-v1MZHOntltE/s1280/9%20Nov%2023%20Col.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="520" height="455" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjdLGT47zGIznq1JXCXwPB214MaxjsbTM3_O1ZJQG9aV-FXOqiEW4xwL3355bGXHmiDxv-AxVTYyvjdeECiZKFO0Iiof1lgYGYjr-jE7_U8Po9CBJfmw1S1gFjekBkGH3ezw3JNBWR0NW36In61dq0Y-wi7tgN7Yl8BE8QK9Ycg4CzyYO-v1MZHOntltE/w242-h455/9%20Nov%2023%20Col.jpeg" width="242" /></a></div><br /><br />I was searching on Google yesterday and the missus asked me: "what are you up to?" I sez: "I’m looking for cheap flights". She got all imflamed and effervescent and told me that I was the best husband a woman could ever have! To be perfectly honest, I never even knew she was interested in darts! <br /><br />At breakfast, yesterday, I eagerly waited for the wife to comment on my first attempt at my new recipe cheese omelette. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I manufactured these commercially, how much do you think I would get for one of them?” Without looking up from her iPod she replied, “About five years.” That’s when the fight started! <br /><br />I purchased a packet of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals yesterday. It clearly stated on the pack ‘Do not consume if seal is broken.’ What’s all that about then? <br /><br />Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. <br /><br />When I gaze in the mirror and see a fat, wrinkled, grey-haired and sken-eyed old bloke, I always say to myself: “They certainly don’t make mirrors like they used to.”<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJZYwRdSUmXOXZhx6mhMxK9xM-QmauSbdbQhoVXeHe7985LdKBn7f6ekWgtliqR7NkGOXRn9xGS-8PDagU36Cap_WA7IdNnomS1UtogjBl23652WBtCian86oauYcH_t6KQhxgfKD5nbhtb5e445a_-yAu3g2qoh2o4RKGW-R85MfhlzBnOKUqozU2z9Y/s600/107813274_3082114581837517_1772444041574997324_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJZYwRdSUmXOXZhx6mhMxK9xM-QmauSbdbQhoVXeHe7985LdKBn7f6ekWgtliqR7NkGOXRn9xGS-8PDagU36Cap_WA7IdNnomS1UtogjBl23652WBtCian86oauYcH_t6KQhxgfKD5nbhtb5e445a_-yAu3g2qoh2o4RKGW-R85MfhlzBnOKUqozU2z9Y/s320/107813274_3082114581837517_1772444041574997324_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was tidying her husband Tommy’s wardrobe when she discovered three golf balls and a shoebox with £5,000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course, to ask him why these things were hidden in his wardrobe. Tommy told her “I'm sorry I hid this from you, but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last fifty years, I put a golf ball in the drawer.” Elsie was very upset at first, but after thinking about it said: "I guess three times in fifty years is really not that bad! Oh! by the way what is the £5,000 in the shoebox?” With all the dignity Tommy could muster, he sez: " Well, every time I got to a dozen balls, I sold them for a fiver.”.</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinrSlxIrTAQyK6Vv5G6LD3SIio1u36DscWUBZ9O4rxXtZiYLfFNnRP5I2YlRBOwQvGoGv2xcUJ8fOd5xXCmvbkOJLk_sx1lCTcnaaMtRrLS3e583i5f0eZt-jgWzOsDquoJifIwDuUCe0lTAfkM67xI5oXFPMttQlQuZ21nlWyT3uRPFjT1hkaYnYNMVo/s320/64630854_10157249309513764_7140911844369104896_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="306" data-original-width="320" height="306" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinrSlxIrTAQyK6Vv5G6LD3SIio1u36DscWUBZ9O4rxXtZiYLfFNnRP5I2YlRBOwQvGoGv2xcUJ8fOd5xXCmvbkOJLk_sx1lCTcnaaMtRrLS3e583i5f0eZt-jgWzOsDquoJifIwDuUCe0lTAfkM67xI5oXFPMttQlQuZ21nlWyT3uRPFjT1hkaYnYNMVo/s1600/64630854_10157249309513764_7140911844369104896_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />Apparently, Happy Harry Hooper was in Crown Court for allegedly molesting a six-foot tall Latvian lady of the night. Although, Harry stands only 4'2" tall. The judge, in summing up sez: “As I understand, the offence was committed in a standing position. Forgive me, but how did he reach?” The lady said, “He used a bucket, M’Lord.” Appearing quite perplexed, the judge replied, “But surely, you could have kicked the bucket away?” She answered, “He put the bucket on my head and swung from the handle.” <br /><br />I’m broke, but not poor broke. I’m posh broke. I’m baroque. <br /><br />If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8xI-BrxSqjZHIVnzXFbeJXe2WJX5ZN4gTYoDP_WMjC48tVkEZXaHWZ5002BTCxO0rMZnnjGL4elbby6zJH53A2QkAk-xZwnRsqamd1vRKJqGobkKYhYP_rCpHDfOuk4Nf4OeNIxWdbSOZCFmY6sIgNSkBj6kcQy7PvhRdW_wzqo79NBWkHKxidfyBWOY/s1446/scan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1446" data-original-width="1126" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8xI-BrxSqjZHIVnzXFbeJXe2WJX5ZN4gTYoDP_WMjC48tVkEZXaHWZ5002BTCxO0rMZnnjGL4elbby6zJH53A2QkAk-xZwnRsqamd1vRKJqGobkKYhYP_rCpHDfOuk4Nf4OeNIxWdbSOZCFmY6sIgNSkBj6kcQy7PvhRdW_wzqo79NBWkHKxidfyBWOY/s320/scan.jpg" width="249" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-72705200086147653002023-11-04T03:08:00.008-07:002023-11-07T01:52:23.897-08:00The clocks go back!<p> </p><p><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, "Bitstream Charter", serif; font-size: 16px;"> </span> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ4SnZYCHmB2Q5A0BItAT8QsHxuaVOoT8eZSsUu4C8WabYJhQEwgQ8y9h1ArUBjoBxk9EL3cQ9NC2X6ukGBFzyuxiqd2KrQZr4pmx9Gx18ODk1Au7WTGtogx4mjZyle6K2l8JmCFaU4p1tXzHmxJx0zSwuAzD0x6XwhLJMLtOL_4RqBA0o4JqCYUitYdo/s1080/Paul%20and%20Wings.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1027" data-original-width="1080" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ4SnZYCHmB2Q5A0BItAT8QsHxuaVOoT8eZSsUu4C8WabYJhQEwgQ8y9h1ArUBjoBxk9EL3cQ9NC2X6ukGBFzyuxiqd2KrQZr4pmx9Gx18ODk1Au7WTGtogx4mjZyle6K2l8JmCFaU4p1tXzHmxJx0zSwuAzD0x6XwhLJMLtOL_4RqBA0o4JqCYUitYdo/s320/Paul%20and%20Wings.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><br /><br />Well, the Rolling Stones have a No1 Album in the charts and The Beatles have a new single out. Just how far did we put the clocks back last week?<br /><br />I never bother to alter all the clocks. It’s too much mither. I just watch ITV+1 for six months …<br /><br />Specsavers have tweeted (or X’d) “To all Manchester United fans, if you bring your glasses into any of our stores, we’ll swap them for a blindfold, so you don’t have to watch this anymore.” I heard on the grapevine that Erik ten Hag has planted some potatoes around the pitch, so he’ll have summat to pick up at the end of the season.<br /><br />After a raucous night out with the darts and dominoes team up Scropton Street at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, I eventually staggered home at 4 am and tiptoed into the house, when the cuckoo clock sounded four times. Rapidly realising that the missus would probably wake up, I proceeded to ‘cuckoo’ an additional eight times, in order to make it seem like it was still midnight. I must admit that I was really chuffed with myself for thinking on my feet and coming up with such an ingenious solution, even while being paralytic drunk, in order to avoid a potential conflict with her in the early hours of the morning. The following day, the missus asked me what time I got home. I told her it was around midnight and she didn’t seem to suspect a thing, but right as I thought I’d gotten away with it, she opined: “By the way, I reckon that we desperately need a new cuckoo clock.” I asked her “What do you mean. Why?” She replied: “Well last night, our clock cuckoo’d four times, then it shouted “Flamin’ Nora!” then after clearing it’s throat, cuckoo’d another three times, then started laughing, cuckoo’d twice more and then tripped over the cat and was sick!”<br /><br />Two major problems we have presently in the UK are potholes and housing migrants. Surely the government should be aware that there is one obvious solution to fix both these issues simultaneously…<br /><br /> <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBWqrlA7vmwBlXq_qXJBHVupWVGLN3vjpKkdchuwTTBq9Rn6F07VfDZnppXYURmZz4np-CB-QG6S0tsNXnOliu85cr8jlVawOlcgYv7VGY6x-1iCOPs-jMr272rMH8EBPEk7yZvqSwzYjMJB7IlxIxlMJxw8HSl_y7RRK8DBmiyx9Tu_24E3oBXePX-3Y/s320/LMAO.jpg"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBWqrlA7vmwBlXq_qXJBHVupWVGLN3vjpKkdchuwTTBq9Rn6F07VfDZnppXYURmZz4np-CB-QG6S0tsNXnOliu85cr8jlVawOlcgYv7VGY6x-1iCOPs-jMr272rMH8EBPEk7yZvqSwzYjMJB7IlxIxlMJxw8HSl_y7RRK8DBmiyx9Tu_24E3oBXePX-3Y/s1600/LMAO.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />There seems to be some confusion in Wales ahead of the Speed Limit change and so, I thought I would help by briefly explaining how the change works so that there can be no confusion: Any roads that were previously 30 will now be 20 apart from the roads that aren’t going to be 20, which will still remain as 30. When you see street lights you have to assume that the roads will be 20 even if the signs still say 30 because despite the signs saying 30, the roads could be 20, apart from, of course, the roads (as explained above) which will remain 30 despite them being 20. It’s also important to remember that there will still be a number of roads which despite them having street lights will not be 20, and in these cases they could be 30, 40, 50, 60 or even 70, however, always bear in mind that even if the signs on these roads still state 30 they could, of course, be 20 unless they are one of the roads that have been designated 30, in which case the 20 restriction will not apply. I trust that clarifies. It’s really not difficult.<br /><br /><br />You just can’t trust these insurance companies. I’ve checked my home insurance policy and apparently, if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I’m not covered!<br /><br /> <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioXLp-5j77bWYx4bmOYIPy90BMcYIZtiQ08Nu4qmVxsuRqC1gmNe7jq0_aSpNiYNXjT-tHMb6KAg0i81O2yNMednZIjcuVZs-JFAY08Usmbd0xc3JzTmU8OlfryW67g4uM2YGDBKB-UUUH6I6AimbIHqBVVDr1tbmagYPooVzw6ojYE0_H8CdrlRh74SE/s1563/col%202nd%20nov%202023.jpg"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioXLp-5j77bWYx4bmOYIPy90BMcYIZtiQ08Nu4qmVxsuRqC1gmNe7jq0_aSpNiYNXjT-tHMb6KAg0i81O2yNMednZIjcuVZs-JFAY08Usmbd0xc3JzTmU8OlfryW67g4uM2YGDBKB-UUUH6I6AimbIHqBVVDr1tbmagYPooVzw6ojYE0_H8CdrlRh74SE/w317-h593/col%202nd%20nov%202023.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Last week, because of the ferocity of Storm Ciaran and due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Sharon, a three-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mummy, so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Sharon did as she was asked. Mummy pushed and pushed and after a little while, baby Kevin was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and smacked him on his bottom. Baby Kevin immediately began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Sharon for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Sharon quickly responded, "He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……smack his bum again!"<br /><br />An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Paramedic: ‘It’s Okay, I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?’ Girl: ‘Okay’ Paramedic: ‘What’s your name?’ Girl: ‘Tracey’ .’Paramedic: ‘Alright Tracey , is this your car?’ Tracey: ‘Yes.’ Paramedic: ‘Can you tell me where you’re bleeding from?’ Tracey replied: ‘Romford, mate.’<br /><br /> <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSfDsGTTYNmM0ERGuP7I0KOPFdgQMTZ5kCiVQk6Qq8miFphDSpPnlB86oA_SPzkRiEA3FGiJuwUWYIj-Dpdoj3SVle8-x-rpDo_rmE7_64Kw8lqC2_EXT0UB9XROOEbBltyMvCCH_fBZr6X2STXkZ2yAsdYzInRu4BRqS5y0Bbo5WujHZa1hRRUM2xqP0/s526/frank.jpg"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSfDsGTTYNmM0ERGuP7I0KOPFdgQMTZ5kCiVQk6Qq8miFphDSpPnlB86oA_SPzkRiEA3FGiJuwUWYIj-Dpdoj3SVle8-x-rpDo_rmE7_64Kw8lqC2_EXT0UB9XROOEbBltyMvCCH_fBZr6X2STXkZ2yAsdYzInRu4BRqS5y0Bbo5WujHZa1hRRUM2xqP0/s320/frank.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-28812652829523474662023-10-28T02:43:00.003-07:002023-11-01T02:36:33.736-07:00Unexpected item in the bagging area. Don't ask meow....<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTsJsa3TDjLKq2Fszi3U65X0EVCvM7EroHdM4_eTR-B_nZ1zYWJNPKOVtWAsvURlX_YiDi69Krxt7tWswX4zpJmyA2U4k-FMVec5p3D7UgPsI2kv7TP1U_dqnnXg7_JEI7dkIb9SYtZYc1NG0S2Lb3QbbI_Az9L6ixUTxvCjXGoUx1Ibffoa6sD-lNlyU/s593/Unexplained%20Item.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="593" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTsJsa3TDjLKq2Fszi3U65X0EVCvM7EroHdM4_eTR-B_nZ1zYWJNPKOVtWAsvURlX_YiDi69Krxt7tWswX4zpJmyA2U4k-FMVec5p3D7UgPsI2kv7TP1U_dqnnXg7_JEI7dkIb9SYtZYc1NG0S2Lb3QbbI_Az9L6ixUTxvCjXGoUx1Ibffoa6sD-lNlyU/s320/Unexplained%20Item.jpg" width="284" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Rolf Harris. There's one lot of ashes that the Australians won't be wanting back.<br /><br />Even though my grandfather sadly passed away over a month ago, I still have him in my contacts. Primarily because it was blowing a gale when we scattered his ashes. <br /><br /> <br /><br />It was all very sad when grandad had to go into a home. I phoned on the first day and enquired about his welfare. The matron advised me that he’d sadly passed away, shortly after breakfast time that morning. I asked her what did he have for his final breakfast and she replied: “Cheerios…”<div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg-PgC4VQKa-puh6VSq-jzQaI6WCt6T5ung-lPH9gOwDtB6mAeqPOX-coi1a9CdkdfgQGp-tzJiuOa0rap4kAizI6Z3ADgIccf8sQkqp5x6oo_vwLpDML52f2Gt-djnAaxmHdbA5MytvErBIOo_qGSIOWX1cZUFx_cqavx478yaElGBd4oUteu8nYDVzg/s720/Branch.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="720" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg-PgC4VQKa-puh6VSq-jzQaI6WCt6T5ung-lPH9gOwDtB6mAeqPOX-coi1a9CdkdfgQGp-tzJiuOa0rap4kAizI6Z3ADgIccf8sQkqp5x6oo_vwLpDML52f2Gt-djnAaxmHdbA5MytvErBIOo_qGSIOWX1cZUFx_cqavx478yaElGBd4oUteu8nYDVzg/s320/Branch.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br /> <br /><br />If any of my readers are interested, I have some Sooty & Sweep puppets that I’m trying to offload. I don’t want any money for them, I just want to get them off my hands…. <br /><br /> <br /><br />I was arguing with the wife yesterday, when I heard a strange voice. Mine. <br /><br />It was all my fault. I’d got in at 6am paralytic drunk and she was annoyed. In order to tell you how annoyed she was, not only had she changed the lock on the front door, she’d changed the street name as well! She screamed at me: “Where’ve you been until 6 o’clock in the morning?” I informed her that I’d been out playing poker with some blokes. She erupted again: “Oh you have, have you. You’ve been out until 6am playing poker with some blokes. Well, I’m not putting up with it any longer. Get your bags packed and get out and don’t come back!” I sez: “You’d best pack your bags as well, love, because the house isn’t ours anymore….” That’s when the fight started!<br /> <br /> <br /><br />Just before going on his holiday to sunny Benidorm, Barmy Albert went to a tanning salon. He was under the lights a bit too long and the protective shades he had worn left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at himself in the mirror the next day, He thought, "Gordon Bennett! I look just like Bozo the clown." Having almost convinced himself that he was overreacting, he got in line at the supermarket checkout and felt a tug at his shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at him The kid asked: "Are you giving out any balloons?" <br /><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbV9NJJ7iuQo36K1hv0L6_x5mkCthO1j4LGPuo_KB3y1TAg2bpyf0mCqzLHCOAu6xG9EVGCpVmkGam-sjlO0_p0LYXnJtua9XP9qsEpTpnHaCJh1nUxGeHn2RaNtmCKXP74C_UYZWBfuDAcsrZeSjKqIqpyPa0knVjyyhoeX_A9DdEorbMGaTJjF9AmNA/s640/grand%20Theft.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="510" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbV9NJJ7iuQo36K1hv0L6_x5mkCthO1j4LGPuo_KB3y1TAg2bpyf0mCqzLHCOAu6xG9EVGCpVmkGam-sjlO0_p0LYXnJtua9XP9qsEpTpnHaCJh1nUxGeHn2RaNtmCKXP74C_UYZWBfuDAcsrZeSjKqIqpyPa0knVjyyhoeX_A9DdEorbMGaTJjF9AmNA/s320/grand%20Theft.jpg" width="255" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />I was listening to a comedy show on the radio, and with perfect coordination, I tuned in to the BBC weather on the telly in an attempt to ascertain if it was going to rain. I simultaneously opened the fridge door with my right foot, which dictated that I was balanced in a most precarious manner, employing my stomach region as ballast and my left knee as a fulcrum. In addition to the total unison of my present stance, I quickly grabbed an ice-cold beer from the fridge, opened the ring-pull with my free thumb and guzzled probably about a quarter of the aforementioned throat lotion whilst flicking through the SKY remote to engage the interactive red button to display the news multi-screen. And women have the audacity to say that we men cannot multi-task! Anyway, it’s gonna rain all week. No change there then! <br /><br />When I was onboard the Royal Caribbean Anthem of the Seas, this year, the cruise director was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea. "Do you know what level means?" he asked the group of six to eight-year-olds. One boy replied immediately: "A level is something you need to pass to get to a harder screen in a Sony Playstation game." <br /><br />Every woman should learn to work on the toilet seat situation. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you want it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Geddit? <br /><br />Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! <br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCRua3rpkN2KVNy8yeag0qOivM7-oMzS-MhByTHarRiMCDlBJDE_34iTwTeY1qtJf2nmF18bU9stCr2DkQh3hCr7RuNTOJxppga-0ZEyubWH49dSaoQgUCiQDPljXzjz7sF9Bf9RxLwl2y2eiwFsbPYNJpLf3lI_nKCAywyP1ZrVHSO_tlXtpk3XQsxHA/s813/Long%20Knight.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="813" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCRua3rpkN2KVNy8yeag0qOivM7-oMzS-MhByTHarRiMCDlBJDE_34iTwTeY1qtJf2nmF18bU9stCr2DkQh3hCr7RuNTOJxppga-0ZEyubWH49dSaoQgUCiQDPljXzjz7sF9Bf9RxLwl2y2eiwFsbPYNJpLf3lI_nKCAywyP1ZrVHSO_tlXtpk3XQsxHA/s320/Long%20Knight.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> </div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2117631021157003230.post-5338498081573349272023-10-22T02:31:00.001-07:002023-10-22T02:31:22.392-07:00RIP Sir Bobby Charlton - There'll never be another...<p> </p> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKFcmqnmcGkzzwKaWRfCDW3zUT4vXGTISZdvAIXXg10BGRp3TVRiqIlunSvRp59udvElbV6pEfsCYON5_2X6ZQC6Gn8EXaAsQV0gPnewweLhECZ5_TRFGRZC1ZM4eGSh99FRWIM7HtW8hHqAi6lZvsgFHpqByo1B8Yh-UqRgqT-DU-RMwFv-CW6wg_oSc/s526/Sior%20Bobby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="526" data-original-width="526" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKFcmqnmcGkzzwKaWRfCDW3zUT4vXGTISZdvAIXXg10BGRp3TVRiqIlunSvRp59udvElbV6pEfsCYON5_2X6ZQC6Gn8EXaAsQV0gPnewweLhECZ5_TRFGRZC1ZM4eGSh99FRWIM7HtW8hHqAi6lZvsgFHpqByo1B8Yh-UqRgqT-DU-RMwFv-CW6wg_oSc/s320/Sior%20Bobby.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br /><br />Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Maybe it is the effect of a black hole deep in space that is imploding and sending micrcocosms of extreme temperature that are inversely proportional to the mass of the black hole itself, thereby making it difficult to observe this radiation for stellar mass or even greater gubbins. Either way, Rishi Sunak, we need you to grasp the nettle and sort this unfortunate problem out forthwith. Failing that, send Jacob Rees-Mogg round with a rake, pronto! <br /><br />For Sale: 179,000 Railway Sleepers. These are ideal for raised garden beds, et cetera. Contact Rishi Sunak. Westminster. <br /><br />Storm Babet caused ructions last week when tempestuous rainfall caused floods and irreparable damage across the UK. A woman in Stalybridge caught a prawn in a mousetrap. <br /><br />Meanwhile, in the Maldives, an engineer and a solicitor were fishing. “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was lost by the fire,” the attorney explained. “The insurance company covered everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” the engineer said. “I’m here because a flood ruined my house and all of my stuff, and my insurance company also paid for everything.” “A flood? How do you start a flood?” the perplexed attorney inquired.<div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYrFQizuZPSr4Ky4IdWVJ03q2pySbTx694MTwnt-afNYuKRovN_B72popMLVje7Z25m6IpuVJTLn2WBI6fwmDhpT7z7juzHCgCUw5oTUW700pViLq-Rt6RKLhO9I7Gp0sg-QooaREL4BkN7950B9g6hRnn0L5xv7iu7xslCcsZBfeCO0rG5NnBF6xs7qg/s2048/Standidh.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYrFQizuZPSr4Ky4IdWVJ03q2pySbTx694MTwnt-afNYuKRovN_B72popMLVje7Z25m6IpuVJTLn2WBI6fwmDhpT7z7juzHCgCUw5oTUW700pViLq-Rt6RKLhO9I7Gp0sg-QooaREL4BkN7950B9g6hRnn0L5xv7iu7xslCcsZBfeCO0rG5NnBF6xs7qg/s320/Standidh.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />The missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?" <br /><br />A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio: "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. We'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5ft 2 inches tall and sitting in the front seat." Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven.... <br /><br />A recent survey found that one in three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two. Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily and responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day." She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8CgHZ1Ebn-79yJOicw92F8kJk4O179toTlyb6ZFaG5RVHLcMHnmeZlDyJqVntkc-_tj7mOmKeH9qAEeNnrxkqeLYgEtd7vyZUKm4hCBT0yaZY-lbBQhGIwwwtroXVyBRcBtY4in1h-HGXZoQHOVUr0KH7xguguOuzjSiwcft0dnSme6mSTfSyDUZl_Qk/s1944/IMG_5562.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1944" data-original-width="1170" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8CgHZ1Ebn-79yJOicw92F8kJk4O179toTlyb6ZFaG5RVHLcMHnmeZlDyJqVntkc-_tj7mOmKeH9qAEeNnrxkqeLYgEtd7vyZUKm4hCBT0yaZY-lbBQhGIwwwtroXVyBRcBtY4in1h-HGXZoQHOVUr0KH7xguguOuzjSiwcft0dnSme6mSTfSyDUZl_Qk/s320/IMG_5562.PNG" width="193" /></a></div><br /> <br /><br />Chester Draws is on a call to Tameside Hospital and shouts frantically down the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Chester, "this is her husband!" <br /><br />A Scouser on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money!” <br /><br />Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that she’s teaching her dog to speak a foreign language" "Español?" Albert enquired: "No, he's a lurcher" Nora replied. <br /><br />I tried to get into my car only to find my wire coat hanger locked inside. Luckily, I had my keys with me. <br /><br />Tommy Grabknuckle was very unlucky. He won the Euro Millions and invested all the money in a time machine and traveled thirty years into the future, only to discover that he’d been missing for the past thirty years.</div><div><br /></div><div> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNGo1jpV5V8R72fnWWhzsv-meKw9cm8eEoPzWwgdlTmezk5yo2JvoUME_4JZf_LUl7oIVz3fj6y-6RWlx2UFlDXppG1aSKfeJAf1hwGsVAKg_V9eb8ZHQAYsxIvPbx2fC3nGMRrd_UKvWLAR5myGAjyQk8TTEh-NX5ginL84-OkBNXROU_T8IMhGh4gqs/s719/35b04aca-9686-4862-b46c-f0371bd4cebb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="719" data-original-width="504" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNGo1jpV5V8R72fnWWhzsv-meKw9cm8eEoPzWwgdlTmezk5yo2JvoUME_4JZf_LUl7oIVz3fj6y-6RWlx2UFlDXppG1aSKfeJAf1hwGsVAKg_V9eb8ZHQAYsxIvPbx2fC3nGMRrd_UKvWLAR5myGAjyQk8TTEh-NX5ginL84-OkBNXROU_T8IMhGh4gqs/s320/35b04aca-9686-4862-b46c-f0371bd4cebb.jpg" width="224" /></a></div><br /></div>austin knighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00566539772061626200noreply@blogger.com0