I was utterly confused when it snowed last week. Does anyone know how many snowmen you're allowed in your garden under current restrictions?
Barmy Albert drove over a squashed hedgehog the other day. He sez to Non-Stick Nora “that’s a Himalayan hedgehog.” “How could you possibly know that?” She asked. “Because ‘him-a-layin’ on the road”
You know when you’re on the khazi, then suddenly realise that there’s no bog roll left, so you have to get up and do that awkward little waddle, with your undercrackers around your ankles to get a new toilet roll? Well, I got 100 yards from the local Co-op, afore the police stopped me. Apparently, we’re not allowed out during lockdown.
I asked the missus “where’ve you been?” She sez “Scraping the car.” I replied “Against what?” That’s when the fight started...
All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! Your sleeves!)
I went into the chemist and asked for pile ointment. The assistant sez: "It’s over there on the bottom shelf."
I overheard two kids arguing in the newsagent’s shop. The little girl was shouting: “That idiotic teacher dosen’t know anything whatsoever about maths, history or geography and I’m sure I could smell cheap vodka on her breath!” The little lad replied: “Pack it in now, Lucy! Mum is trying her bestest!”
So, if you think that everything is all terrible now, then just wait for twenty years when the country is being run by kids that were home-schooled by alcoholics!
With the dreaded pandemic increasing, it’s been announced that as from next week, all postmen will be working from home. They will read all your mail and if it’s anything important, they give you a ring.
Why don’t they put the vaccine in beer, open all the pubs and then everyone will be immunised within a week.
The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.
"Well, what was it then?" she asked.
Never mind that there Covid-19 gubbins. My doctor reckons I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but he says it’s difficult to say at the moment.
Barmy Albert went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your opportunity in court.” advised the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” sez Albert. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking up
The missus, I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
In 2021, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.
If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay! Hands-Space-Face!