Professor Chris Whitty, the government scientist geezer, has said that the Covid-19 vaccine is the best thing we have in our arsenal. Personally, I'd like it in my arm, thank you very glad!
All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! Your sleeves!
Of course the vaccine is manufactured by Pfizer, who also make Viagra. Now they can raise the dead and save the living! Who’d a thowt it!
The missus sez: “All you’ve done today is contradict me.” I replied: “No I haven’t!” That’s when the fight started!
Every major supermarket is now insisting you must wear a face mask on entry; however you can still wear your pyjamas and leave your teeth and bra at home.
A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘Lion Tamer Wanted’ and two prospective applicants show up. One is Barmy Albert in his late sixties and the other is Non-Stick Nora, a lovely brunette with a voluptuous figure in her mid-thirties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history." "Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" Nora sez: "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge towards her. As he gets close, Nora throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He exclaims: "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to Barmy Albert and asks, "Can you top that?" Albert replies: "I’ll give it a try, but you've got to get that flamin’ lion out of there first..."
Once upon a time, after devouring a Ruby, I suddenly developed the ballroom blitz and had to rush into the public toilets in Manchester Piccadilly. I kicked the lavatory door open and hurriedly sat upon the bog and after pebble-dashing the ablutions, I happened to notice a pair of plimsolls between my legs. I gingerly extricated myself and noticed a little bloke sat on the khazi and apologised “I’m very sorry, I didn’t see you sat there...”. To which he replied “I didn’t think you did, that’s why I pulled your trousers back up..”
Advert in this newspaper: For sale. Framed picture of John Lennon's wife. £100 ono
In 2021, go and laugh in the places where you have cried and change the narrative.
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as road works foreman but, when I got home, all the signs were there.
I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! Never played cards since because I’m frightened of winning ‘em back!
I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the left-of-centre activists, the mamzers, the ne’er do wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat. However, some are in a super multi-million pound yacht, whereas, we’re all in a rubber dinghy that’s sinking fast!