Vote for the lockdown party!

                                   

The wretched popinjays who choose to ignore the lockdown rules must be weighing up the pros and cons of any legal ramifications that might be enforced, should they get their collar felt. For instance: It’s an £800 fine if you're caught attending a house party. However, it’s reduced to £400 if you pay the fine promptly. If perchance, you catch the dreaded Covid malady at the aforementioned party, then the government will give you £500 to stay at home and quarantine for 14 days. That's £100 profit, a fortnight off work with pay and a party thrown in for good measure! Result! Wahay!



The lockdown lunacy lark continues apace. I’m absolutely certain that I saw Suggsy walk past my house yesterday. Could this be the first sign of Madness?

                          

Got the lockdown blues? Worry ye not. Just remember that there are folks out there, who still have their ex’s name tattooed on them. Last year, I was gonna have a tattoo for my birthday. However, I only have a small garden and thought the neighbours might complain about the bagpipes. Isn’t life a hoot, when you’re doo-lally!



Quarantine Quiz: Exactly what is: LWWLDDLDLLWW?

A: A village in North Wales.

B: Liverpool’s last dozen results.

                     

My virtually non-existent knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow. Moreover, whilst attending school, I was rubbish at spelling. I was brilliant at Jograffy, though...



Barmy Albert told me that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands. In my humble opinion, this is near the knuckle and not humerus!



It’s really odd wandering around on my own, in the house for so long without seeing any visitors. I’m really looking forward to the summertime, when I might get the odd fly popping in to break the monotony!

                                                       

When all of this dastardly farrago finally finishes, would you rather go to Scarborough with the missus, or go out for a steak and a few beers with your all your mates? Your choices are: A) Well done. B) Medium. C) Medium rare. D) Rare.



Q. My child won't eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A. A cat. Cats love fish.

I reckon that the bloke who dreamed up the word February must have had summat to do with the word Wednesday as well. I wonder if he came from Cholmondely? Was his missus called Siobhan? Answers on a coastguard please....

I’ve put on acres of timber during our enforced incarceration. In a bid to lose weight, I’m employing psychological gubbins. The concept is that you put a photograph of yourself in the nude on the fridge door. When you go for those lethal midnight snacks, you observe that you’re morbidly obese and stop scoffing saturated fatty comestibles etc. Anyway, I put a nude photo of myself on the fridge door last night and the door fell off its hinges!

                               

I was so desperate to shed weight; I made a doctor’s appointment. It was conducted over the telephone. I outlined the problem and he told me: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked him if he was referring to cakes, biscuits, pies, pizza or French fries and kebabs. He paused for a moment and then pronounced: “No. Don’t eat anything, FATTY!” Apparently, I have an overactive knife and fork... 

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                

Tomorrow will be bobbins, and the day after that and the day after that....

                                            

             

It’s a fact that this lockdown lark affects us blokes the hardest. For instance, there’s no pub, betting shop, golf club, we can’t see all our mates or go to visit the lap-dancing bar. Whereas, it’s fine for the girls who can just carry on doing all their stuff, like cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing et cetera. Life is so unfair.

 

The lockdown has been a blessing in disguise, because during the last few months, being incarcerated at home with the missus, we’ve caught up on absolutely everything that I’ve done wrong over the past 14 years!
 

Yes, folks the whole world is just like Las Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it’s quite acceptable to drink at all hours and nobody has the remotest idea what day it is!





                                                                   

I went to the doctors and sez "I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby." The doctor sez "I beg your pardon?" I repeats: "I keep thinking I'm a Jelly Baby" The doctor goes bananas and starts shouting at me:   "What with all the Covid & NHS cutbacks and other problems we're having, I've got a waiting room out there full of genuinely ill patients, some of them terminally ill and heres you wasting my precious time and a valuable appointment slot and having the temerity to come in here and tell me that you think you’re a Jelly Baby, YOU are a DISGRACE!!" I looked at him and sez: "There's no need to bite me head off!"


             

A dying husband in a hospital bed, asks his wife: “Our eighth child always looked different from the other seven. I really need to know the honest truth. Did he have a different father?” His wife, crying uncontrollably, answered: “Yes.” He asked: “Who is it?” She replied: “Yours…”



I sincerely reckon that water is an incredible natural commodity and solves many problems. Want to lose weight? Drink lots of water. Fancy a clear complexion? Drink copious amounts of water. Someone getting on your nerves? Drown them! Simples innit!


              

It’s relatively easy for many arguments to ensue, during this lockdown scenario, however, myself and the missus have a fantastic relationship and never disagree with each other. This is because she went to college to study, receiving a degree in communications and I have worked in the theatre and on televisual arts. She can communicate really well and I act like I’m listening!



Remember that the only thing standing between you and your dreams, is your unkempt lockdown appearance and dodgy personal hygiene, a lack of talent and general personality.




                                         

I tried to re-marry the ex-wife, but she sussed out that I was only after my money…

 

You learn summat new every day! Apparently 'avarice' is not an appropriate answer to the question; "What motivates you..."

 

Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…


I was on Tesco car park, watching a woman trying to locate her car. Every time she held her key in the air and pressed it, I beeped my horn. Isn’t life grand, when you’re barmy!

Maxine has the vaccine!

 

                                                  

Professor Chris Whitty, the government scientist soothsayer geezer, has announced that the Covid-19 vaccine is the best thing we could have in our arsenal. Personally, I'd like it in my arm, thank you very glad!

All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! (Your sleeve...)

Of course the vaccine is manufactured by Pfizer, who also make Viagra. Now they can raise the dead and save the living! Who’d a thowt it!



The missus sez: “All you’ve done today is contradict me.” I replied: “No I haven’t!” That’s when the fight started!


                                

Every major supermarket is now insisting you must wear a face mask on entry; however you can still wear your pyjamas and leave your teeth and bra at home.



A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘Lion Tamer Wanted’ and two prospective applicants show up. One is Barmy Albert in his late sixties and the other is Non-Stick Nora, a lovely brunette with a voluptuous figure in her mid-thirties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history." "Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" Nora sez: "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge towards her. As he gets close, Nora throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He exclaims: "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to Barmy Albert and asks, "Can you top that?" Albert replies: "I’ll give it a try, but you've got to get that flamin’ lion out of there first..."

                                      

Once upon a time, after devouring a Ruby, I suddenly developed the ballroom blitz and had to rush into the public toilets in Manchester Piccadilly. I kicked the lavatory door open and hurriedly sat upon the bog and after pebble-dashing the ablutions, I happened to notice a pair of plimsolls between my legs. I gingerly extricated myself and noticed a little bloke sat on the khazi and apologised “I’m very sorry, I didn’t see you sat there...”. To which he replied “I didn’t think you did, that’s why I pulled your trousers back up..”

Advert in this newspaper: For sale. Framed picture of John Lennon's wife. £100 ono

In 2021, go and laugh in the places where you have cried and change the narrative. Upset the apple cart, then assume a comical position and strike da pose, dude!  Wahay!


                                  

I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as road works foreman but, when I got home, all the signs were there.

I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! Never played cards since because I’m frightened of winning ‘em back!
  

                                       

I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the left-of-centre activists, the mamzers, the ne’er do wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comediasnuk@sky.com. Now, don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat. However, some are in a super multi-million pound yacht, whereas, we’re all in a rubber dinghy that’s sinking fast!