Yet another lockdown argument. The missus left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted!” Well, she’s wholly misinterpreted everything. Because I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. Furthermore, I can’t help having big toes. Apart from “Fine” what other death threats do women use?
Today, we should all remind ourselves that the people who are prohibiting us all from working are still receiving their regular wages, while we sadly await scraps of leftover, rotting offal being hurled at us from their burgeoning and grossly overladen table.
A further reminder is that if perchance you are considering leaving Santa an alcoholic drink by the fireside on Christmas Eve, then it must be accompanied by a substantial meal, such as a Scotch egg.
Two pigs talking in a field and one pig sez to the other: “ I’m really excited. I’ve heard that we’re getting blankets for Christmas!”
Took the family to see the socially-distanced pantomime at the local civic hall. All the kids were shouting “He’s two metres behind you!”
Non-Stick Nora curtly informed Barmy Albert: “You’ve got no idea what is in that there Covid vaccine!” as she purchased 40 beefburgers for £5 at Scropton Street Food-Mart.
If you're buying fireworks for New Years Eve, always check the sell by date. The last ones I bought went off.
1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.
3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
5. Why did the Long John Silver and Blackbeard have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.
6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.
7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.
9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.
11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go to Jail.
12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.
Thought for Thursday: “A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.” “And believe it or not, such a place does, indeed, exist. It’s called prison.”