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Saturday, 3 October 2020

We hope Trump stays positive!

                                                               


Come the next general election, we will be able to decide which politicians are viable. I have been declared ‘unviable’ by the chancellor and I should retrain to be a window cleaner. Coincidentally, the missus agrees with the government that I’m no longer viable. Who’d a thowt it! 

 

BREAKING NEWS:   Donald Trump sez: "I tested positive for Covid 20! Covid 19 is for losers.   I have actually more positive than anyone has ever tested before.  Doctors are amazed by how positive I tested, they can't believe it."   It would appear that Covid has finally found its ultimate destination. Sales in Domestos and Dettol are rocketing! If these disinfectants cause hair loss, then there’ll be Hell toupee! Stay positive, Donald...

 

                  



Thought for Thursday: Never trust a person that takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them, they check their phone every ten seconds! Furthermore, never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

 

It has suddenly dawned on me that a lot of conflict in the old Wild West could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. Fascinating!

        



If anyone has lost a grand in fifty quid notes, wrapped in two red elastic bands in Stalybridge last Wednesday afternoon. Please message me, as I've found your elastic bands.

 

When I was little I used to hate eating my 'greens' so my mum would always do the "Here comes the train, open your mouth" routine. I have to say it never failed. I always ate my 'greens' and then she'd untie me from the tracks.

 

Tommy Grabknuckle was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife Elsie, "I have one last request, my dear."  "Of course," Elsie replied, clutching his hand.  "Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Barmy Albert."  "But I thought you hated Albert?"  "I do!" Tommy replied.

                                        



Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora "Are those chrysanthemums?"  "Yes" she replied.  Albert sez: "How do you spell that?"  Nora thought for a moment and replied: "Actually, they're roses."

 

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very poorly. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Covid 19 and other complications." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of just pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

                                  



I found a twenty quid note in Tesco car park yesterday and found myself with a dilemma.  I said to myself: “What would Jesus do?”  So I turned it into wine.

 



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

                                      



 

 

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