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Sunday, 19 January 2020

Bamboozled by Technology?

                                             


Are you bamboozled by technology? I most certainly am. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s virtually  impossible to beat my computer at chess. However, kick boxing is another matter...

                                     


DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

                         
                                 

This bloke comes home early from work, only to discover his best friend in bed with his wife. Anger took over and he got a gun and shot him dead! His wife looked up at him in a bewildered fashion and exclaimed, “If you carry on like this, you’re gonna have no friends left.” It just goes to show that every woman has a little Marilyn inside of her. You just have to find out if it's Monroe or Manson!

                                 


Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora “I honestly don’t understand cloning.” Nora replied: “That makes two of us!"



What with all the globular warming and subsequent climate change gubbins, my neighbour has just bought one of those new fangled electric cars. It's a Volts-wagon. I wonder if you have to have a current license to drive it?

                                           


I had my first parachute jump over the weekend and I was absolutely petrified. This bloke strapped himself to me and we jumped out. As we plummeted in a downward spiral, he sez: "So how long have you been an instructor?"

                                                         
         

Art, Bart and Fargo are three regular characters who frequent my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife.’ They were languishing in the games room the other night enjoying a few pints of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when they decided to participate in the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets apiece, upon seeing it was for the ‘Unknown Warriors Mother Fund’ charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they had each won a prize! Art won the first prize - a bottle of malt whiskey. Bart was the winner of the second prize – A magnum of champagne. And Fargo won the tenth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Fargo asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Bart "I love malt whiskey, but this Talisker is not quite as smoky as those found on Islay but still packs an enjoyable peaty punch.” “ I simply adore champagne, however, this bottle of Moet Rosé was wildly refreshing with an intense strawberry aroma and notes of red fruit and fresh pear," exclaimed Art. "And how's the bog brush, Fargo?" "Not very good," Fargo replied, "I reckon I'll go back to Andrex..."

                                                         



Thursday Thought: A teacher affects eternity; He can never tell where his influence stops. Henry Brooks Adams

                                       


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position, and strike the pose dude!



Friday, 10 January 2020

The Veganuary Syndrome....

                                          


Now, we can all try this. Firstly, shave your head, then if you put your thumb in your ear, then stick your index finger up one of your nostrils and then your middle finger in your gob, you’ll find you can pretend your head is a ten pin bowling ball. Now, try and get a strike!

                                           



Yesterday, I had the good fortune to meet Bruce Lee's vegan brother. His name is Brocco Lee. I hear on the grapevine that Meat Loaf has gone vegan too and now wishes to be referred to as Malt Loaf. How can you ascertain exactly who is a vegan? You don’t have to. They’ll tell you! Moreover, veganism is now recognised as a philosophical belief in a court of law. The defendant in a recent case stated under oath:” I think, therefore I yam....”

                                          


Just been in B&Q and there was a massive sign that bore the legend ‘Stainless Steel Sinks.’ I thought to myself: ‘I already know that!’ Then to compound an already absurd scenario, there bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then?

                                      


I noticed this in my local newspaper small ads: We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a regular gig, but only for special events which will hopefully turn into a nightly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable. Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                         I replied thus: Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by making dinner for me and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only for special functions which will eventually turn into a regular event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported a second referendum. If you're genuinely interested in promoting your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.

                                   


Thursday Thought: You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you...



                                              


If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t wanna do summat, you’ll find an excuse. Why don’t you find a way to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and don’t make any excuses! Now, get back to work!

                                                               

Monday, 6 January 2020

The Big Gig!



                                            



I noticed this in my local newspaper classified free ads: 

We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and we are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our  main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a  regular gig, but only for special occasions which will hopefully turn into a weekly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable.  

Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                          



                                 


I replied thus:

Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by  making dinner for me and and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only  for special functions which will eventually turn into a weekly event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported Corbyn and/or any Labour Party anti-Semitic propaganda or indeed a second referendum.

If you're genuinely interested in promoting  your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.

www.ComedianUK.com

                       
                         

                             
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Thursday, 2 January 2020

Twelve Reasons That The New Year Party Is Over....


                    

1) You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2) Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3) You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

4) You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

5) You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

6) You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7) You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

8) You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the wardrobe.

9) You refill your glass from the fish tank.

10) You tell everyone you have to go home and the party's at your place.

11) You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

12) You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realise you're in front of the hall mirror.