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Sunday, 2 August 2020

New Covid-19 Guidance....

                                               


Right folks. Listen up! New Covid-19 rules apply as from this week. You are now allowed to meet another member of your family, providing that they have either the letter Y or a letter P in their surname, but this applies only on a Monday. You can go and see Auntie Maud, but only if she is over 5 feet tall and has a black and white tomcat, which MUST be neutered. Please adhere to these basic rules and Stay Alert!



I’m sure that we can all agree that if in 2015, you were asked: - “Where do you see yourself in five years time?” Then not a single person would’ve got the correct answer. Except, maybe Nostradamus!



If you're refusing to wear a mask due to concerns your brain will be deprived of oxygen, then I reckon that ship has already sailed....



Are your kids watching too much TV during rainy lockdown July British summertime freezing cold weather? Well, just put the telly on mute and switch on the subtitles and hey presto - they’re reading!

                                                                 


Exercise extreme caution when going into supermarkets if they scan your forehead in order to ascertain your temperature. It causes severe memory loss! I went in yesterday for a loaf and some milk and came out with a case of beer and a bottle of brandy. Shurely shome mishtake!



I used to wonder about people who paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards!
                                               



Quarantine options now available: Fly into the United Kingdom from pandemic-free Canaries or Balearic Islands and be subjected to two weeks quarantine or just sail in on a rubber dingy and be fast tracked to a council house and full benefits. You choose.



I always wanted to be a barber, as a child I'd practice in my bedroom, using a microphone as a hairbrush.



I was bored, so was playing online Scrabble with none other than Midge Ure. I had four letters left over, but they mean nothing to me. O-V-N-R.


                                                             

Angela Merkel has advised all Germans to stock up on sausages and cheese in the event of a second spike of the dreaded pandemic. She did mention that this would be a wurst käse scenario....



During lockdown, I’ve been trying to teach my little dog Alfie to dance. He’s not very good at it. Methinks he has got two left feet!


                                     



Was at Tesco yesterday and a customer was being rude to a member of the check-out lady, so she scanned him in the eyes with the barcode thingy. The look on his face was priceless. He apologised and they’re now an item. He has a bag for life!



                                     




As I get older I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers for my reading glasses, Boots the Chemist for my medication and Greggs for savoury comestibles. My life now is all Specs and Drugs and sausage rolls!




I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!





                           



Saturday, 25 July 2020

Living in a dystopian nightmare. Part 3....

                                                                                       


All this lockdown lark just drives one doo-lally! As from today, I've made the decision to quit being such a pessimistic individual. It would have never worked out anyway. I just think about all the comebacks I’ve made, without actually going anywhere and now I’m not going anywhere, I think I’ll make yet another comeback.





I received a weird phone call earlier from a shady character who demanded: "Ten grand in used notes, or you’ll never see your missus again!” Both of these options were quite tempting, but in the end, I decided to take the cash.

While sauntering up Scropton Street, I was waylaid by one of those pollster geezers. "Could you spare five minutes to do an opinion poll?" I replied, "I’m awfully sorry mate, my opinion isn't currently available, because she's at work."

                                             


After putting on so much weight during lockdown, I've just started the Adam and the Ants diet. Don't chew ever, don't chew ever! I promised myself that I’d lose 28lbs. Only three stone to go now!

                                                         

I had my leg X-Rayed at Tameside Hospital yesterday. The consultant informed me:- “Your patella measures 2.54cm”. I sez:- “Inch-high knees?” He replied:- “您的髌骨是2.54厘米高”.



Riddle me this: - Is it possible to surgically graft skin from a donkey and transplant it on to an evil spirit or demon? Just ass skin for a fiend.

                                           


Breaking News: Manchester United have allowed David de Gea to train without a mask, after the club doctor has confirmed that there’s no way in the world that he can catch anything...


                                           
I saw an advert on a lamp post that read thus:- LOST DOG. He has 3 legs, one eye, broken tail, left ear missing and recently neutered. He answers to the name of LUCKY.
                                                 


So at Westminster, all MP’s have gone on summer holiday last week, as there’s not much happening at the present time and nothing whatsoever going on! It must be Russian interference. I went to the Russian Embassy to complain about it. I knocked on the door and when a bloke answered, I sez; - “Is Len in?”

                                               


You must now wear a mask in all major supermarkets as from this week. It’s mandatory. You can still wear your pyjamas, no bra and no false teeth though. So don’t go doo-lally!

                                     

Isn’t it weird that for the last century, we’ve been searching for a cure for cancer; however, they’ve now found a cure for the most deadly virus ever known to man within the last 3 months! Who’d a thowt it!

                                             


Comedians Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo are all the famous Marx Brothers. However, nobody ever mentions their sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol. Could it be because it was race related? I reckon we should be told!


                                                       



Finally, don’t use a big word, when a similarly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.


                                                         

Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and knaves. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                         

Monday, 20 July 2020

Meanwhile, up Dogpoo Lane....

                                                             


This time last year, I flew from Tallinn to Helsinki, then onto Manchester (T1) and the luggage never arrived. Had to fill out a form, it took absolutely ages. Where it had 'comments' at the bottom, I wrote ' My suitcase just vanished into Finnair'.  I instigated legal proceedings against the airline, but unfortunately lost my case...



In order to prevent internet fraud, I’ve changed my PC password to ‘Strangeways'. Now when I press the Esc button, nothing happens. I feel as though I’m no longer in Ctrl. My mate Del is having the same trouble.



I bumped into an old school friend over the weekend. He started showing off, talking about being furloughed from his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my missus." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
                                             



I had yet another telephone diagnosis with the doctor. When the conversation was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English exactly what's wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” he replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer, wastrel and popinjay” 'Thank You.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell the wife.”



Quiz of the Week:- So how do I get into a shop to buy a facemask, if I'm not wearing a facemask?



I just love to pamper the missus. If she's had a stressful day, I get her to text me when she's on her way, so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam & bubbles, timing everything perfectly, so the moment she walks through the door, all the dishes are piled up waiting for her.



One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others...

                                                 


I caught a spider yesterday. The missus sez: "Don't kill it, take it out." So I did. We went to Wetherspoons. She was a nice spider. Her name was Simone and she's hoping to become a web designer...

                                                         

This Corona virus must have hit India really hard, as I’ve not had a single phone call for over four months about a car accident I haven’t been involved in!



Just popped over the road to see my elderly 86 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from Tesco. Luckily she did so I gave her my list. There’s no point in us both going really.

                                                   

Last week, vegans were protesting in Trafalgar Square, claiming that Covid-19 comes from meat eating. It’s a strange fact that Coronavirus is an anagram of Carnivorous? If they are right, then no vegans should have had the virus.
                                 


I’ve got a job making plastic Dracula’s. There’s only two of us on the production line so I have to make every second Count



Imagine going into a pub "You have to leave your details sir!" “OK.. but don't tell the wife I was here.”


                                                   


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                                           
P.S: If you're refusing to wear a mask because you're concerned that your brain will be deprived of oxygen, then I reckon that ship has already sailed.

Friday, 17 July 2020

Barmy Albert Strikes Again!

                                                                             

Barmy Albert catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Albert complains he becomes abusive.
Albert resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later Albert goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.  The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Albert now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Albert gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Barmy Albert smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…

                                                        

Saturday, 11 July 2020

RIP Jack Charlton ~ A proper character!

                                           Jack Charlton ~ Austin Knight ~ Alison Lockwood.
                                                 Mid-Yorkshire Chamber of Commerce Dinner.

The pandemic conspiracy theoreticians prevail....

                                                 


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was struggling with her shopping bags on Tesco car park, when she inadvertently sneezed and her false teeth were catapulted down a grid. She was endeavouring to extricate them, when this bloke came up and sez “You’ll never lift that grid up. I don’t think you can retrieve them.” “Oh dear.” She opined, “What am I to do?” The bloke replied: “Hang on there a minute.” He went to his car and brought back three sets of false gnashers and sez to the old lady: “Here, try these.” The first set were too big, whereas the second set were far too small. However, the third set fitted a treat and she declared: “”Thank you so much! I’m very fortunate to have met a dentist here today.” The guy replied: “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker...”

                                               

Just wait until the pandemic conspiracy theoreticians actually discover that they themselves are a part of a pandemic conspiracy theory, in order to recruit other pandemic conspiracy theoreticians to broadcast disinformation to the general public by employing disingenuous pandemic conspiracy theoreticians. Who’d a thowt it?

                                                     


This quarantine, lockdown, self-isolation gubbins has taught me that I have no real hobbies, apart from going out to restaurants and spending money on trash!



Lonely during the lockdown? I was, so I glued a Costa Coffee cup to the roof of my car and now everyone waves at me when I’m driving around town!



Have you ever thought of those horrible kids in the supermarket, throwing tantrums, sitting in the trolley screaming, kicking out, generally misbehaving and their parents just stood there and did nowt? Remember when you thought to yourself:- “God help us all, when that kid grows up!” Well, they’ve grown up now and walk amongst us!

                                                                         


Liverpool fans have been requested not to sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” because it may offend folk who cannot walk, people who live alone, anyone who has a morbid fear of storms or is afraid of the dark. I recollect an occurence from many years ago, when the famous actor Yul Brynner refused to travel to Liverpool in order to advertise a well know brand of after-shave. This was primarily because Yul never wore cologne....



I purchased a packet of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, or as Matt Hancock would call it, 8234 food items...


                                                             

You can’t go to the doctors with this pandemic lark, so one has to have a telephone consultation. I told him that the pile ointment that he prescribed was causing a very nasty reaction. He sez to me, “Whereabouts are you applying it?” I replied, “On the bus...”



The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight during the lockdown pandemic isolation quarantine gubbins, and I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling." She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....

                                                 


Sunday, 5 July 2020

Police to armed bank robber:- ‘Come out with your hands up and your mask on!’

                                                                              
Pissed up social distancing in pubs....

 My next door neighbour Barmy Albert has just told me that Non-Stick Nora reckons she is pregnant. He asked her who the father was and she replied: “I’ve no idea, because he had a mask on!”



When the pubs all reopened their portals on 4th July, Metropolitan Police were given strict orders from the Chief Constable to ensure that there was no ignoring of social distancing rules in the Soho area. That night, a paralytic bloke staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers," sez the drunk. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."   If Cressida Dick carries on like this, she’ll get herself a bad name...



COVID 19 Latest! Liverpool have won the league and the government are actually paying folk not to work. Somewhere out there, is a Scouser with a magic lamp and a genie, wondering exactly what to do with his last wish!
                                                 


Shoppers are now being asked to put a dustbin lid on their heads and wear a mask. Just to see if they’ll do it. I wager they will!



Thought for Thursday: You have the power to change at least one thing every day, so make it your underwear...

                                                                     
Now that Ghislaine Maxwell has been arrested by the FBI last week, I wonder if Prince Andrew has now acquired the technique of sweating? Phew, what a scorcher!



I bet you would be really motivated if the weight you lost was passed onto someone you didn't like!

                                                                   

Last week, police have stopped over 100 Liverpool fans with flares at Piccadilly Station. They were the same flares they wore 30 years ago!


Fascinating Fact: Listen and silent are made up of the same letters

                                                           
When she was only five years old, I recollect playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Suzie, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!" I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that!”

                                                                   
                                                 
Still on the subject of kids, a four year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different colour." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?


                                               


Don't let Corona virus kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com. Now, assume a comical position, wash your hands, keep your distance, don’t come out of your bubble and stay at home when you go down the pub! Oh, and stay alert!



Saturday, 27 June 2020

The New Pool Rules....


                                           

If you haven’t put on at least 2 stone, developed a serious alcohol problem, have hair that looks like Worzel Gummidge staggering out from an explosion in a flock mattress factory and eyebrows that look like you’re growing a pair of glasses, then you clearly haven’t taken this pandemic lockdown lark seriously!



Dyslexic Lives Mattress....

                                           

Boris announces reduction in social distancing rules to one metre, much to the chagrin of shop owners who’ve just spent the last month on their hands and knees marking out two metre distanced areas with black and yellow sticky tape.



Although swimming pools will reopen at the end of July, due to social distancing rules, there’ll be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5.
                                                             



Have I got this right? Now rules have been relaxed, you’ve no need to stick in your present bubble. You can have another bubble to see your grandchildren. This is to be known as a ‘Double Bubble’. Next week, you can also see other folk in a ‘Treble Bubble’. However, you can only see Granny & Auntie Mabel when ‘Quadruple Bubble’ becomes announced by Boris, nearer Christmas or the second wave or thereabouts. You can also go into a pub or club on Saturday and Sunday and then fly to Spain on Monday. Wahay! I’ll get me hat and coat!

                                     


Tameside, Oldham and Glossop - Panic gripped the streets last week, when patches of sky took on a periwinkle blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above all of the townships. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the boroughs, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats, anoraks and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Boris Johnson urged people to be calm and return to washing their hands and social distancing and act as normal stating: "Stay Alert", he opined, "Don’t go out of the house until the pubs reopen." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath, but wear a mask!"


                                   

Liverpool FC fans were brawling, ignoring social distancing rules and acting disgracefully before leaving tons of beer cans, bottles and other disgusting detritus outside Anfield last week. 103 arrests were made. The Chief Constable of Merseyside police said “It’s horrendous. We will not tolerate this appalling behaviour every thirty years!”

                                         


Fascinating Fact: Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

                                                 


A bloke asked me what I did for a living. I sez “I’m a Spy”. He replied: “Why are you dressed as a shepherd?” I said “I’m a shepherds spy!

                                                     
Thursday Quiz: - (Q) What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? (A) Nacho cheese....

My dog is so lazy he can't even be bothered to bark. He just waits for another dog to bark, then nods his head!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com