Riddle me this: You have 78 Christmas prezzies. First, subtract your age. Then add 40. That is the year that you were born. Fascinating!
I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.
I was given a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. The picture quality really was quite appalling. All that I could see was a little silhouette of a man....
BREAKING NEWS.......A Manchester cinema was robbed yesterday. Police are urging witnesses to come forward. Two masked gunmen escaped with an estimated total of £2,250 in goods. It’s believed the men have made off with four hot dogs, 2 medium Cokey-Cola’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of Nachos...
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, ‘Please send me a baby brother.’
Santa wrote back: 'Send me your mother...'
Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as News At Ten came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."
Top Christmas Tip: Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.
BREAKING NEWS: Greater Manchester Police are investigating a new football betting scandal. Someone has put a £10 on a Man Utd win next weekend. Mourinho is planting carrots and spuds around the perimeter of the pitch at Old Trafford, so he'll have summat to pick up at the end of the season.
Two old caterpillars are nibbling on a dock leaf when all of a sudden a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Hey dude, you'd never get me up in one of those things”.
Yes folks, it’s nearly THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com