Breaking News: Theresa May has confirmed that the United Kingdom will leave the EU as soon as the DFS Sale ends. You heard it here first folks!
A Viking named Rudolph the Red woke up one morning, he gazed out of the window, then declared: “It’s gonna be chuckin’ it down all day today!” His missus asked him: “But how do you know that?” He replied: “Coz, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....”
I am thinking of starting a dating agency for old comedians. Going to call it Trinder.
My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."
My pal James H Reeve sez: "I visited my Welsh doctor last week and after a thorough examination, he’s prescribed Prestatins for me...."
To see what's on the BBC this Christmastide, get yourself a copy of the Radio Times from 1976, or thereabouts.
Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man:
1. No dress sense whatsoever.
2. Never replies to your letters.
3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.
4. Big beer belly.
5. Will only commit to one day a year.
6. Obsessed with stockings.
7. He never stops to ask for directions.
8. Too bone idle to shave.
9. He always wears the same outfit.
10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterwards.
Wind up your relatives this Christmas, by sending them a heartfelt greetings card with a picture of your family that includes a child that nobody knows...
Opened a Christmas card yesterday and basmati rice went everywhere! It was from my Uncle Ben!
My Nan once told me, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". I wonder if it's true, or yet another one of Granny's myths?
You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.
I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away,while flying around in a miniature sleigh,With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home!Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get carving that turkey!