Breaking News: Polish football fans have been warned by the Russian authorities that if they cause any trouble during the World Cup they will be immediately deported back to the United Kingdom.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no balls and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!
Barmy Albert went up to Non-Stick Nora and proudly showed him what appeared to be a dog. "It's absolutely unique," Albert explained, "It's part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand." Nora asked: "Which part is bull?" Albert replied, "The part about the thousand...."
My pal started a new business cultivating those miniature Japanese Bonsai trees. He's done so well, he's had to move to smaller premises....
We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the missus and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over.
"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Floor level.Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
I just entered what I’ve scoffed today into my new fitness app and it has sent an ambulance to my house! Technology. Doncha luvvit!
"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandad." He always gave me sound advice. He told me to buy Bang & Olufsen speakers.
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