Monday, 14 May 2018
BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have confirmed Sir Alex Ferguson no longer needs intensive care and is recovering well. Apparently, Wayne Rooney has been to visit him yesterday. "His speech is improving and he can almost string two words together" said Sir Alex....
Barmy Albert was meeting Dastardly Derek at Grab-A-Granny night, and as he went in, he noticed two old wimmin looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him an octogenarian lady had just rated him a nine! "I don't want to burst your bubble,"Derek replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."
Tameside & Glossop - Panic gripped the streets of Ashton-U-Lyne last weekend when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the town. The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the township, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Theresa May urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", she opined, "but it never lasts." There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."
When she was only five years old, I recollect playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Suzie, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!" I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that!”
Still on the subject of kids, a four year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different colour." There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?
Fascinating Fact: Money won't buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.
Why do they put "Out of Order" signs on escalators? Why not just say ‘Temporarily Stairs’?
The BBC have confirmed that they are to broadcast live coverage of the World Hairdressing Championships. I'll probably just watch the highlights.
What's more fun than a barrel of monkeys? Why, that would be reading this gloppy but funny column in this fantastic newspaper! Besides, monkeys bite, scratch and are prone to occasionally spitting. If you opt for the monkeys, be sure to be up to date on your rabies and tetanus vaccines and remember that you should never monkey around with another monkey’s monkey! You can visit my website though and troll my now famous ‘Jokey-Bloggington’. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com