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Monday, 16 April 2018

The 24th of April....



It’s a very special day next Tuesday the 24th of April. Not only is my lovely daughter Suzie, celebrating 21 years of age, but my good friend Tommy Docherty is 90! Many happy returns!

                   


I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she'd show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible!

                             


I have just taken up transcendental meditation. It certainly beats sitting around doing nothing all day.


Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.


                                           

Fascinating Fact: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

I asked the missus, "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish," she replied. "Absolute garbage." "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."

                                   


I took the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) to a fancy restaurant in Manchester. While studying the menu she asked, "What’s fillet mignon?" I noted it was £50, so thinking fast, I replied, "It’s pickled rat’s spleen with marzipan. Why do you ask?"

Suddenly, I got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

                                                     


Breaking News: ASDA have announced that they are to create 12,000 new jobs in the UK. The Polish Prime Minister is said to be "Absolutely delighted!"



The National Eczema Association are currently raising funds and making every endeavour to raise both their profile and public awareness of this irritating skin disorder. They have launched a scratch card.



Security guards dragged a bloke off a Ryanair flight yesterday and all the other passengers demanded an upgrade....


Fascinating Facts: Feng Shui Tip: Make sure all the chairs face the TV. Did you know that I’ve conducted more orchestras than you can shake a stick at?



I have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


                                               



The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!

Monday, 2 April 2018

The Easter Egg Hunt...

                                                                             
This year, April Fool’s day and Easter fell on the same day, so we got the kids to go on an Easter egg hunt to find eggs that we had never hidden! Brilliant!                                                 


In my local pub, the Pit-bull & Stanley Knife, up Scropton St, Dastardly Denis, the landlord was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it would win the money. Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok,..." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1,000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little bloke quietly replied: "I work for The Inland Revenue."

You can tell a lot about people by the type of paper they buy. For instance, if they buy this newspaper, they want to keep up with local news and what’s happening in the area that they live. If they buy the Guardian paper they're probably Liberal Lefties. If they buy the Mail paper they're might be Right Wing Creationists. If they buy sandpaper they're definitely Australian Cricketers.


It's people like David Beckham, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin that give kids a bad name...



Any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles:

1) - Women.

2) - Fractions

                                        


A nervous little man walked into a corner shop in a small town. “I want to buy all your over-ripe vegetables and stale eggs”, he said. “Well”, said the shopkeeper with a twinkle in his eyes, “You must be going to see the new comedian at the theatre tonight.” “Not so loud”, said the little man, looking around hesitatingly, “I am the new comedian!”





Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and asks, "Nationality?" She sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."


                            

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'


                                       



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com