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Sunday, 17 December 2017

Smash A Hippy Cat!


Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! I'm so skint this Christmas. I've just opened the door on my advent calendar and there was a bailiff stood there serving me with a county court summons! There's been a big downturn in the sale of advent calendars this year. I always said their days were numbered.


The wife was wrapping presents so I asked her if she could do it blindfolded. "I probably could" she said ."Fantastic!” I sez, “ I'll just go and get yours!”


I bought my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean Apps. Unfortunately, this automatically enabled the iNag App. I can’t shut it off either, it just keeps on and on...

Thought for Thursday: Adults are just kids who owe money.

Severe weather warnings for UK. Knee deep in snow, gale force winds, black ice and treacherous conditions! Southerners do not venture out unless your journey is absolutely essential. Northerners take note. You’ll need your BIG coat.


My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for a Christmas prezzie?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes-Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes!" She said breathlessly. "Well I've got you a hairbrush the exact same colour."

The missus sez she's getting me a Sat-Nav for Christmas to go with her other surprise. She's asking me to move out.

Never take any notice whatsoever of all these misinformed folk who pontificate about getting your Christmas shopping done early, in order to avoid the crowds. I did mine a full twelve months early and the shops were jam-packed with punters!


I hear on the showbiz grapevine that Little Mix have announced that they are playing at Anfield next year. I'm putting a £10 win on a 2-2 draw.

Ever since I started penning this hilarious column (back in 2002!) my grammer, spellinging and vocabulary is so much moore gooder! Furthermore, I nac type 300 wrods pre minuet. So there!

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.  Santa wrote back: 'Send me your mother...'


If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home! Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! Now, get carving that turkey!


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