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Friday 10 November 2017

The Invisibility Cloak....


Air Force General: "Mr President, we've just invented an invisibility cloak for Air Force One!"
Trump: "No way!"
Air Force General: "That's right, sir. The plane will be invisible. Will you be going on it's maiden flight?"
Trump: "Wouldn't miss it for the world!"
Air Force General: "Have a good trip, sir."




Breaking News: Church of England tells schools to let children 'explore gender identity'. Well, I must admit that at one time I felt that I was a man trapped in a woman's body and then after I was born, the feeling went away...


This bloke in the supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the boss. The lad sez he'll ask his supervisor about it. Walking into the back office, the lad tells his manager “Some cretin out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the bloke standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.” 'The boss approved the deal, and the fella went on his way. Later the manager said to the young lad, “I was most impressed with the way you got yourself out of that sticky situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?” “Wigan, sir,” the boy replied. “Well,
why did you leave Wigan?” the manager asked. The boy said, 'There's nowt but loose women and rugby players up there.' 'Really?' said the manager. “My missus is from Wigan.”
“You're kidding!” replied the boy. ”'What position does she play?”


                                         



Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were discussing culinary delights.

Albert: Do you like black pudding?

Nora: No. I am a vegetarian

Albert: Where do you get your iron from then?

Nora: Argos.


                                       

Thursday Thought; through the years I’ve noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet.



                                               


If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe, a large family of mice have now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.


                                     



The Mexican maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the proposed wage hike. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so...' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora...... the gardener did.'


                         





Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                         

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