I couldn't be bothered to go through all the mither of putting all my clocks back an hour this year. Instead, I'm just going to watch channel ITV+1 for the next six months!
It all happened so suddenly! I was bereft. I felt that my life was empty and a barren existence on a bleak horizon beckoned. I felt alone, with a sense that I was isolated from all I know and loved, unable to express my inner most feelings, to share my thoughts, my needs, my…… No. Hang about. The Wi-Fi is up and working again now. Carry on folks!
Thursday Thought: If you can't learn to do summat really well, then learn to enjoy doing it badly.
I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jack sez: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "Yes"Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, and arthritis?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We do..." Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and zimmers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?” Pharmacist: "Yes." Jack: "Then we'd like to use this chemist shop for our wedding presents list..."
Me, behave! You cannot be serious! As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home well after midnight, Pinocchio was an inveterate liar, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles per hour, Snow White lived in a house with seven strange blokes, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby Doo were mystery solving mysteries involving hippies who never worked a day in their life. The fault is not mine! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org