After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful. I start a week last Monday.
Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Barmy Albert replies, 'God and I are okay.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's weeing in the fridge again!
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old folks care home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?" He thinks I might have contracted Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment.
I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I replied, "Right! Mascara it is then....."
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