Friday, 4 August 2017
We were so poor when I was a kid. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came knocking, I would open the door and say: “Shintin”. My dad was a workaholic. If you mentioned work, he’d disappear down the pub! I always thought that he was employed by a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs, because that’s all he ever brought home.
I've booked a super exotic foreign holiday for the missus and her mother. MY treat too! They are to go waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay.
Going into a teenagers bedroom, is just like a trip to IKEA. You pop in, just to have a quick shufty around and end up leaving with six cups, a variety of plates, three bowls, copious amount of cutlery and a tea towel!
I have been informed that the police want to interview me. Well I genuinely cannot recollect even applying for a job!
During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."
Fascinating Fact: Henry VIII's second wife would never rush into a room. She'd just amble in.....
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Police in Tameside want to interview a man wearing frilly knickers and a bra. However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their uniforms.
Thought for Thursday: I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk isn't a biography of William Shatner.
A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."
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