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Sunday, 13 August 2017

The Match...

I attended a fantastic charity football match last Sunday. The Saint John's Ambulance 11 v the Tameside Hypochondriac Society 11. There was three hours of injury time!

Cricket explained in a nutshell: You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game Simple innit!

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream on the famous golf course at St Andrews. Suddenly, a green keeper shouts: “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sharn an’ waspish!” The golfer replies: “Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England, could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?' The keeper replies: “I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!”

Old Jokes Home: A geezer sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. He sees a mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." The fella is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of those things!"

The world's shortest fairy tale: Once upon a time, a fella asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after!

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Friday, 4 August 2017

The Gubbins....


We were so poor when I was a kid. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came knocking, I would open the door and say: “Shintin”. My dad was a workaholic. If you mentioned work, he’d disappear down the pub! I always thought that he was employed by a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs, because that’s all he ever brought home.


I've booked a super exotic foreign holiday for the missus and her mother. MY treat too! They are to go waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay.


Going into a teenagers bedroom, is just like a trip to IKEA. You pop in, just to have a quick shufty around and end up leaving with six cups, a variety of plates, three bowls, copious amount of cutlery and a tea towel!

I have been informed that the police want to interview me. Well I genuinely cannot recollect even applying for a job!


During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."

Fascinating Fact: Henry VIII's second wife would never rush into a room. She'd just amble in.....

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.


Police in Tameside want to interview a man wearing frilly knickers and a bra. However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their uniforms.

Thought for Thursday: I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk isn't a biography of William Shatner.


A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."

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