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Wednesday, 30 August 2017

The Widows Pension....

                            


Sometimes I wake up Grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep. "It’s all your fault!" The missus declared yesterday morning. "Flamin’hell! What have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she sez, "I've only just woken up!” I don't think she loves me anymore. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and she replied: “A Widows Pension would be nice...”

                               


Can you help? I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark and yap a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll hop over next door's fence and get it for you.

                                      



Whilst still on the subject of canines, my Olde English Sheep Dog only understands commands like: sit ye, walkest thou and comest though hither. Fascinating!



Calling all American folk! Did you miss the solar eclipse in the USA? Well worry ye not! Just come to the United Kingdom and watch the sun disappear between June and September!





The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she opined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of blokes slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting."

                                              


My dentist informed me today that I should have a crown. Finally, someone who appreciates me! I asked him what he would recommend for yellow teeth. He suggested a brown tie...



Thought for Thursday: If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent, rates or food bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.



Fascinating Factoid: A mere century ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. Incredible!


                                    



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                             



Thursday, 24 August 2017

Gubbins to Ponder....


                             

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether you are successful or not.
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?





* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?





* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?





* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?





* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?





* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.





* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty





- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".





- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.





- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.





- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.





- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.





- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.





- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.





- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.





- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

(It does fall on a Tuesday)-

                      



Wednesday, 23 August 2017

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe....


1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng


2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

                               



Friday, 18 August 2017

The Crazy Folk....

                            


 The missus was watching telly and declared: “Oh no! Not another dystopian drama set in an apocalyptic future!” I sez to her: “It’s News at Ten!” Then the newscaster announces "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The wife starts sobbing "That's appalling! So many men dying that way!" Confused, I asked her: "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes and after wiping the tears from her eyes, the missus declared: "Exactly just how many is a Brazilian?"

I suffered a flat tyre in Stalybridge last week. This stupid bloke came up while I was changing it and asked me: “Have you got a flat tyre?” I sez: “No, not at all. I was driving along and suddenly the other three just swelled up!”


Whilst languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, Barmy Albert was regaling me with copious anecdotes. He told me that his dad bought his first car from the notorious Kray twins! I sez: "What Reg?" Albert replied: “No, Ronnie I think..."


Thought for Thursday: If you do not have a TV licence then you can be sent to prison, where you can watch TV all day, every day without having a TV licence.


Have you ever committed a faux pas? I once asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done. Well, if looks could kill!

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . .. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"


I gave my ID over to the bank clerk and she declared: “Gee Whiz! You’ve aged a bit since this photo was taken!” I sez: “Yeah, I have. I had it taken just before I joined the queue here in your bank!”


I had similar problems when I decided to visit a local night club in Staley Vegas last weekend. The doorman pronounced: “You can’t come in, you look like you’ve had a few too many!” I sez: “Do you mean drinks?” He replied: “No. I meant birthdays!”


Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work

                               

Sunday, 13 August 2017

The Match...



I attended a fantastic charity football match last Sunday. The Saint John's Ambulance 11 v the Tameside Hypochondriac Society 11. There was three hours of injury time!



Cricket explained in a nutshell: You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game Simple innit!





A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland stream on the famous golf course at St Andrews. Suddenly, a green keeper shouts: “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sharn an’ waspish!” The golfer replies: “Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England, could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?' The keeper replies: “I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!”



Old Jokes Home: A geezer sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. He sees a mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." The fella is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid." The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of those things!"





The world's shortest fairy tale: Once upon a time, a fella asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after!





If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                      


Friday, 4 August 2017

The Gubbins....

                      


We were so poor when I was a kid. My mother taught me to speak Japanese. When the rent man came knocking, I would open the door and say: “Shintin”. My dad was a workaholic. If you mentioned work, he’d disappear down the pub! I always thought that he was employed by a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs, because that’s all he ever brought home.

                               


I've booked a super exotic foreign holiday for the missus and her mother. MY treat too! They are to go waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay.


                              

Going into a teenagers bedroom, is just like a trip to IKEA. You pop in, just to have a quick shufty around and end up leaving with six cups, a variety of plates, three bowls, copious amount of cutlery and a tea towel!
                               



I have been informed that the police want to interview me. Well I genuinely cannot recollect even applying for a job!

                                                   


During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."



Fascinating Fact: Henry VIII's second wife would never rush into a room. She'd just amble in.....



Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

                                            


Police in Tameside want to interview a man wearing frilly knickers and a bra. However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their uniforms.



Thought for Thursday: I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk isn't a biography of William Shatner.

                                            


A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."



Some folk find it extremely difficult to laugh at themselves. This is where I come in! Fancy a cheeky chortle or a giant guffaw? Then look no further. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and visit my Jokey-Bloggington. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!