Sometimes I wake up Grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep. "It’s all your fault!" The missus declared yesterday morning. "Flamin’hell! What have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she sez, "I've only just woken up!” I don't think she loves me anymore. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and she replied: “A Widows Pension would be nice...”
Can you help? I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark and yap a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll hop over next door's fence and get it for you.
Whilst still on the subject of canines, my Olde English Sheep Dog only understands commands like: sit ye, walkest thou and comest though hither. Fascinating!
Calling all American folk! Did you miss the solar eclipse in the USA? Well worry ye not! Just come to the United Kingdom and watch the sun disappear between June and September!
The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she opined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of blokes slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting."
My dentist informed me today that I should have a crown. Finally, someone who appreciates me! I asked him what he would recommend for yellow teeth. He suggested a brown tie...
Thought for Thursday: If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent, rates or food bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.
Fascinating Factoid: A mere century ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. Incredible!
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s firstname.lastname@example.org if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!