Monday, 17 July 2017
The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said,”I walked here," "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."
The Tameside Police were given orders from the Chief Constable to sort out any loutish or drunken behaviour in the town centre. On Friday night, a paralytic Barmy Albert staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "Its one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers!" sez Albert. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."
Little Jimmy and Jemima are only ten years old, but they know they are in love. It’s like that when you’re kids! One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jimmy goes to Jemima's dad to ask him for her hand. Jimmy bravely walks up to him and says,”Mr. Scroggins, me and Jemima are madly in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Scroggins replies, "Well, Jimmy, you are only ten. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, little Jimmy replies, "In Jemima’s room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there very nicely." Mr Scroggins sez with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jemima." Yet again, Jimmy instantly replies “Our pocket money, Jemima gets five quid a week and I get ten quid a week, coz I have my paper round. That's about £60 a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Scroggins is impressed that Jimmy has put so much thought into this. "Well, Jimmy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Little Jimmy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
My Doctor reckons that I'm paranoid. I'm just worried how many other people he may have told! On my last visit, he gave me a thorough check-up. When the examination was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English exactly what's wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” my doctor replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer, wastrel, lollygagger and popinjay” 'Thank you.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term in Latin, so I can tell the missus”
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Now, get back to work!