I said to the Librarian, "Have you got any books on Paranoia?" She said "Yes, they’re behind you!" I ended getting a book called ‘Childish Retorts’ by Ewan Hoozami. Fascinating!
How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard, please. I’ve been that, done there and got the tea bag.
I went to get my tests results from the doctors today, He said, “I have good news and bad news.” I said "So, what’s the good news?” “Well,” he replied, “You’re not a hypochondriac!” I asked him if he treated alcoholics, he confirmed that did. I sez: “Well lend us a tenner, I’m skint!”
The condition of the man, who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic yesterday, is said to be improving. However, he's not out of the woods yet....
Tommy and Elsie Grabknuckle were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Tommy would shout, "When I kick the bucket, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours despised the curmudgeonly Tommy; however, he wallowed in the fact that he was disliked. Then one evening, he snuffed it, when he was 98. After the burial, Elsie's neighbours were concerned for her wellbeing, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" Elsie replied, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions." Typical bloke eh?
I attended a wedding at the weekend. I whispered to the geezer next to me, "That must be the ugliest bride I have ever seen?" "Do you mind, that's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm terribly sorry; I had no idea that you were her father..." I sez. "I'm not!" came the curt reply, "I'm her mother!"
Thought for Thursday: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than: "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Barmy Albert’s new girlfriend told him that she would like to wait six months before they make love and he fully understood and respected her decision. He said to her last night that he would contact her again in six months time...
This summer, are you being attacked by butterflies? Take a break from the fresh air of outdoors and stuff yourself behind a relaxing computer so you can tell all your pals
about this gloppy humour column. Oh, don't forget to warn them about the attacking butterflies while you are at it. Tel them to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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