The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was busy watching Countdown, so was unable to assist her with unpacking the car, so she was in a foul mood. As she was unloading various sacks of compost, she picked up a set of 4 solar garden lights, and proclaimed: 'I'm going to shove these where the sun don't shine'. I sez: 'Well, they're not going to work then’....
The bloke in a Parcelforce van stopped and asked me the time, yesterday. I sez to him: “It’s between 8 am and 12 noon, mate. See how he likes it!
I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?”I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him; I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and told them of my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! Worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant I know, but it was his 21st birthday!
Whilst driving through my old home town of Gorton last week, I was reminiscing about the old days and drummed up the courage to stop at the house where I used to live. I knocked on the door and courteously asked if I could go inside and if I could have a look around. He told me to fuck off! Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old twat!
Hypothetically, if I was awarded the privilege of taking iconic pop group Abba out for lunch, I would, my friend, for Nando’s.
Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. There is no machine in existence that can do the work of one extraordinary person.
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