So the Conservatives won, but lost. Labour lost, but won. SNP won and lost in Scotland, the Conservatives won in Scotland, but lost. UKIP lost, however, because of Brexit they’ve already won. The winner Theresa May should resign because she didn’t win, but she refuses because she won, even though she lost. Now do you understand?
Jose Mourinho has told Wayne Rooney that if he wants to leave Old Trafford, he'll have to put it in writing. So that's the end of that then...
Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can make mad passionate love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan!" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"
Three boys are bragging about their fathers. "My dad's an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does" "Well, my dad's a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet" "That's nothing" says the third boy. "My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45...."
A man walks into the street and flags down a passing taxi. "Perfect timing" he tells the driver. "You're just like Tommy" "Who?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with Tiger Woods. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy" says the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He was a connoisseur of wine, was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man" “He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. Nobody could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his widow"
Thought for Thursday: It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org