Sunday, 18 June 2017
"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
"My grandad always said, 'Don't watch your money; watch your health.' So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. Yes, you’ve guessed it! It was my grandad!" Sadly, he died on his 90th birthday. We only got up to sixty-two on the bumps!
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a bloke at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were shopping in Tesco. Albert picks up a case of Stella Artois and puts it in their shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks Nora. "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans " he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them." Demands Nora and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, Nora picks up a £30 jar of anti-wrinkle face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Albert. "It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replies Nora. Barmy Albert retorts: "So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price." On the PA system: 'Clean-up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'
Thursday Thought: You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.
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Saturday, 10 June 2017
So the Conservatives won, but lost. Labour lost, but won. SNP won and lost in Scotland, the Conservatives won in Scotland, but lost. UKIP lost, however, because of Brexit they’ve already won. The winner Theresa May should resign because she didn’t win, but she refuses because she won, even though she lost. Now do you understand?
Jose Mourinho has told Wayne Rooney that if he wants to leave Old Trafford, he'll have to put it in writing. So that's the end of that then...
Non- Stick Nora is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley with nowt on, except a sheet over her. The matron pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves Nora on the gurney outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up, has a look, then he puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another bloke in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same. When a third man does exactly the same thing, but more closely, Nora grows impatient and sezs: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "Dunno. We're just painting the corridor."
Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can make mad passionate love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan!" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"
Three boys are bragging about their fathers. "My dad's an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does" "Well, my dad's a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet" "That's nothing" says the third boy. "My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45...."
A man walks into the street and flags down a passing taxi. "Perfect timing" he tells the driver. "You're just like Tommy" "Who?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with Tiger Woods. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy" says the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He was a connoisseur of wine, was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man" “He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. Nobody could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his widow"
Thought for Thursday: It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org
Saturday, 3 June 2017
It’s polling day folks! How will you vote? All that I can say is if you’re not doing so well and struggling, then vote for a better life for yourself. If you’re doing ‘very nicely, thank you’, then vote for a better life for others. But remember, whoever you vote for, you’ll always get ‘The Government’. So, now you know!
A man was knocked over last week on the A57, by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry. When the Police constable went to inform his missus, he informed her; "There's really no easy way to say this...”
The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was busy watching Countdown, so was unable to assist her with unpacking the car, so she was in a foul mood. As she was unloading various sacks of compost, she picked up a set of 4 solar garden lights, and proclaimed: 'I'm going to shove these where the sun don't shine'. I sez: 'Well, they're not going to work then’....
The bloke in a Parcelforce van stopped and asked me the time, yesterday. I sez to him: “It’s between 8 am and 12 noon, mate. See how he likes it!
I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?”I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him; I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and told them of my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! Worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant I know, but it was his 21st birthday!
Whilst driving through my old home town of Gorton last week, I was reminiscing about the old days and drummed up the courage to stop at the house where I used to live. I knocked on the door and courteously asked if I could go inside and if I could have a look around. He told me to fuck off! Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old twat!
Hypothetically, if I was awarded the privilege of taking iconic pop group Abba out for lunch, I would, my friend, for Nando’s.
Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. There is no machine in existence that can do the work of one extraordinary person.
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant global world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:email@example.com Now, get back to work!