Saturday, 6 May 2017
Come June 8th, I’m going to vote for Rick Astley. Why? Because, he would never give you up, let you down, run around or desert you. Moreover, he would never make you cry, say goodbye, tell a lie or hurt you. If only all politicians had these standards!
Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. I sez, "I thought she wanted one of them there sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rovers?" Albert replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"
I’m getting into the Feng Shui lark. It’s all to do with your yings and your yangs, which to the layman, are positive and negative influences and all that manner of magnetictic activity in the ether and beyond. I suppose that you would never consider that a couch potato like me would study an ancient art like Feng-Shui, but dear reader, you would be wrong. If you pop round to my house, you would notice that all the chairs face the telly! My house is also near a pub and a betting shop, so this constitutes perfect harmony. Geomagnetism is basic components of Feng Shui. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth, and personal relationships. This is where the pub and the betting shop come in.
I don't like selfish people. I saw this bloke pushing over forty-odd trolleys at Tesco this morning. Really! Don’t you think someone else might want one?!
A mother finds a magazine under her son’s bed while cleaning his room. It’s all about spanking & sado-masochism. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband. "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?""I’m not sure," replies the father. "But we shouldn’t be giving him a good hiding, that’s for sure!"
I can remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger. It was then I realised she really wanted a girl.
I got the missus a bag of B & Q Multi-Purpose compost for her birthday. She went mad and chucked it at me. Typical woman. Give 'em the earth and they throw it in your face...
A university student delivers a pizza to an old man’s house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man. "That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I’d be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here’s £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org