I came home and the missus asked me: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No, why do you ask?” Next, she put her hand down her bra and produced a £50 note which was screwed up into a ball. She then said: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up?” I exclaimed: “Certainly not!” Without further ado, she put her hand in her bra and produced a £20 noted screwed up into a ball. I wondered what she might do next. She then proclaimed: “Have you ever seen £24,000 all crumpled up?” I sez: “No, I definitely haven’t!” She then pointed and sez: “Go and have a look in the garage!” So, there you have it. It just goes to prove that a woman is a person who can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a darkened bedroom, but cannot see the gatepost with the headlamps on main beam!
I attended Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop mixing with and meeting fellow alcoholics. So I made my excuses and left.
Barmy Albert sez to his manager: "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", his boss replied. "Take the afternoon off." When Albert returned to work the following day, his gaffer came up to him and enquired: "Well, how did it go! Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", Albert said, "I'll tell you in nine months time!"
If you know how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong, I'm all ears!
When Blackpool Circus contortionist (The Amazing Rubber Man) Tommy Figgis's wife left him for another man, he was inconsolable and his heart was broken. He became a very lonely and depressed figure. Alas, this week he died in his own arms. All the clowns from the circus attended his funeral. There were sixty-two of ‘em and they all went in the same car!
The wife and I went to a fancy dress party as a couple of armed bank robbers last night. We had a great time. Well, I did. She was sat outside in the car, with the engine running.
Fascinating Fact: The word on the streets has it that the new one pound coin is shaped so you can use a spanner to get it out of a Yorkshire man's hand. Fascinating!
Thought for Thursday: We live in strange times - kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school...
Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose! Guess what!
You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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