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Sunday, 22 October 2017

That Tingly Feeling....

                                             
Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith! 
                                           

Yesterday morning I was observing a young lady having a hard time reversing her car, so I offered to help. "Get lost!" She yelled. "It's my car, I can do it myself." "Please, I insist," I sez, "I know it's your car, but it's also my conservatory that you're in."


                                       
                                               


The missus sent me a text that sez, "I've found out you've been seeing another woman, you cheating swine! I've packed all my stuff and I'm going to my sister’s house." I texted back: "Okay, I'll see you when you get here."

                                             


I don't like making plans for the day. Primarily, because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around in the courtroom.

                                   


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone that you have just met. That's common sense leaving your body. So, now you know!


                                 



I advise all readers that a lot of the old jokes in this column are archived. My Scottish pal wants to know if they'll archive the new..

Folk reckon that I'm eccentric because I ate an abacus.   Well, I think that what inside that counts.

Visitied Primark and purchased a reversible jacket online this morning, and I'm really excited to see how it turns out!

                                     


Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.



The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Q) Which Spice girl can carry the most petrol?

A) Geri can...



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                           


Sunday, 15 October 2017

The Old Pound Coins....


                       

Well, I have gotten rid of all my old round one pound coins before the deadline last weekend. All I have to do now is dispose of 59 shopping trolleys.

Q) Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?
A) Geri can

I'll never forget how ecstatic I was when I saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was skipped a beat and my pulse was racing. The anticipation was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a big smile and sez: "Wheel that trolley over here, darling. They're doing three cases of Stella Artois, for the price of two!"

Me and the wife went at it like rabbits last night! Not sex, we just ate copious amounts of carrots, twitched our noses and scratched the back of our ears with our feet.
                                         


The missus was away over the weekend, so I sauntered up Scropton Street to my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife. After imbibing copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Bestest British Bitter Beer, I was quite merry and ended up going home with Alice, the barmaid, for a clandestine night of unbridled passion and now I feel really awful. I reckon she must have had the flu or summat....



Quotation :"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein



Thought for Thursday: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up...

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.  One sez to the other, "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."


Fascinating Fact: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'



A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

                                   


Quiz of the Week:

1)If you’re sailing down a river on a yacht doing 20 knots per hour and your vessel loses a wheel, then exactly how much cement would you require to re-shingle you’re roof?

2) If binge drinking destroys your memory - what does binge drinking do?

Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will pick a winner.

My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today. "Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me. "Yes." I replied. "About 40 a day." "That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up." "Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning."



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


                       

Saturday, 7 October 2017

The Recent Gubbins!

For details of all my recent gubbins, click HERE >>>  Recent Gubbins

The Leaves.....

                                                   


Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith!


All these old programmes circulating on copious satellite channels!! I was watching the Gadget Show on Dave. I just can't wait to get one of them Walkmans!


Oh folly folly! I put my brand new iPhone under the pillow last night and went to kip. When I awoke, it had disappeared and a pound coin was in its place. Could this have been the Bluetooth fairy?

                                                   


Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."



Thought for Thursday: Never forget that if you help a man when he is in trouble, he will always remember you when he is in trouble again....



While I was walking the dogs, I discovered a suitcase in the woods containing four fox cubs. I phoned the RSPCA and the woman there asked me: "Are they moving?" I sez, "I don't know, but that would certainly explain the suitcase..."

                                                     


The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Barmy Albert always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"  Great bloke but a terrible anaesthetist...



I’ve been swapping the wife’s chocolate bar wrappers around!!! She hates it when I do that.
She tends to get her Snickers in a Twix!



Non-Stick Nora went to a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"



Top Tip: Turn an ordinary settee into a sofa bed, by simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.


I'm getting really annoyed with certain folk who fail to accept responsibility for things, but please don't quote me on this...


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                        

Thursday, 28 September 2017

The Season...

                           


The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Childhood recollections: When I was a little kid, my father only ever hit me once but I'll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina.


                                               



I went to the doctors today to get my test results. He said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it"
"Why not?" I asked, "Is it summat serious?" "No, it's diabetes!” I saw Barmy Albert in the doctor’s waiting room. He curtly informed me that that he had the worst case of haemorrhoids that the doctor had ever seen in 40 years of being a GP. I asked him if that was why he was sat on a bean bag. Albert gazed at me, with eyes like burning embers and replied: “Have another look....”


The doctor told me to take up an activity that would keep me out of the pub. So I’ve started smoking...

                                                


We went to see Disney on Ice. Neither of us was impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer...



I sez to the wife, "It looks like Angela Merkel has got a fourth term and we're lumbered with Theresa May." She replied, "It's a good thing that is. If women ruled the world, there'd be no more wars." I sez, "Yeah, that's very true, because wars require logic and strategy." Unless your name is Kim Jong Un, that is....



Tesco Shepherds Pie: Right! I've removed my sleeve and filmed it. What next?


                                    
 


The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:"Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared: “This is The Official Receivers Office." I replied: "Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT. The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone. I told her straight! I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue...” Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street. They told me that it was outstanding!


I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: Comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                       




Saturday, 23 September 2017

The Ban....

                                             


Don’t you reckon that it is ironic that after his driving conviction, Wayne Rooney now has more points than Everton Football Club?


I was languishing in my local pub, the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last weekend, when Barmy Albert tottered in and proceeded to imbibe copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. "Is everything okay, matey?" I asked him. "Non-Stick Nora and me got into an argument about how to wash a flock mattress properly. It turned into a terrible bitter row and she swore blind that she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, I sez, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a bit of peace and quiet?" Albert gazed at me and opined: "Yeah, but today is the last day!”

Culinary confusion! I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. Maybe I should have put it on aloha setting.

Women are so fickle! I came home the other day and the missus asked me if I could spare her a moment. She sez: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No!” She put her hand in her purse and brought out a £50 note, which was screwed up into a ball and placed it on the scullery table. She went on: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up? I replied: “Definitely not!” She then went into her handbag and produced a £20 note, also screwed up into a ball, which she placed on the table. She then asked me if I had ever seen £24,500 all screwed up. I sez: “Never in my lifetime!” She then asked me to go and have a look in the garage....
                                                   
So it just goes to show that a woman is a person that can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a dark bedroom, but can’t see the garage doors, with the headlamps on main beam!
                                               




                                                           
Thought for Thursday: If somebody says to you "it's not the money, it's the principle," then it's definitely the money...

Just ordered an Uber cab to take me to airport to catch my Ryanair flight to North Korea. Been planning this holiday for years. What can possibly go wrong?

At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either".

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                           

Friday, 15 September 2017

The Way Things Are....


           

The missus suggested we spice up our sex life by playing ‘Doctors and Nurses’, so I put her on a trolley and left her for two days in the corridor. She visited that there Anne Summers shop in Stockport and purchased some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. Well I don’t eat her cooking, so I’m not gonna eat her vest, am I? She sez: “If you take me upstairs with these handcuffs, you can handcuff me to the bed and do anything that you desire!” So I handcuffed her to the bed and went down Wetherspoons!

                                             
Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were sauntering along Carnaby Street in London. Albert looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that immediately caught his eye. The sign bore the legend, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".    He sez to Nora:"Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Stalybridge, we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our northern accents, they might think we're daft and try to diddle us, so I’ll put on me best cockney accent." "No problem, Albert, I’ll keep me gob shut while you’re doing the business" replied Nora. They go in and Albert declared in a posh voice, "Hello my good chap, I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me van up ready to load ‘em ion." The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're northern folk, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Albert. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."
                                                 

Quiz of the Week: How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and ask a grand for it.

I was seriously considering of upgrading and moving into a more expensive flat. But I don't have to now, as my landlord has put the rent up. When he told me he was raising the rent. I sez: “Thank God for that. I can’t!

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!


                     




Sunday, 10 September 2017

The Job...



After waiting ages for a reply, I've finally got a letter from the Royal Mail confirming my job application has been successful. I start a week last Monday.





Barmy Albert goes for his annual medical check-up. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Albert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?' Barmy Albert replies, 'God and I are okay.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor phones up Albert's missus, Non-Stick Nora. . 'Nora,' Albert is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Nora exclaims. 'He's weeing in the fridge again!



During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old folks care home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?" He thinks I might have contracted Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment.



I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I replied, "Right! Mascara it is then....."





Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                        




Sunday, 3 September 2017

The Break-Dancing Log....

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable! " A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said: "What she really said was: 666 136 429".


So the transfer window has closed and Chelsea have finally signed Danny Drinkwater.   Everton have ended up with Wayne Drinkdriver.

                               


Barmy Albert saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, Non-Stick Nora takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal!

                                     


I headed into Tesco yesterday for a quick shop. I was queuing at the checkout when I inadvertently dropped my ten quid note on the floor. The harridan in front of me (She had a face like a pirates flag) Picked it up and declared “Anything found on this hallowed earth are retained by the discoverer," then she just waltzed off! I was absolutely staggered and so was the checkout girl who looked just as amazed as me. I sez: "Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. Excuse me! That's my tenner, you’ve snaffled there!" The wretched woman possessed the brass neck to ignore me completely and sauntered off out of the store. Of course, I ended up following her out, because I couldn't believe the temerity of the woman. When she got to her car, she put her carrier bags on the ground to find her keys to open her car door, I casually walked up behind her and grabbed her bags of shopping and briskly walked off!!! The woman screamed at me “Oi! What’s your game then? Bring back my shopping, you thieving cretin!” With all the dignity that I could muster, I curtly informed her: “Anything found on this hallowed earth are retained by the discoverer,” As she followed me she was screaming, "Stop thief! Stop thief!” I quickly jumped into my Reliant Robin Interceptor, 3 litre Ghia Hatchback (Trans-Am, twin carb with stabilisers) whilst putting the bags in the front passenger seat, and then exited the car park with the window down guffawing inanely. Moreover, when I got home, I opened the shopping bags. There was a leg of lamb, asparagus, a cauliflower cheese, potato gratin, rib-eye steaks, a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, ground filter coffee, a whole lobster, profiteroles and a block of fine Roquefort cheese and a pack of crackers. Ace value for ten quid!

                                                 


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                               

                                                          

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

The Widows Pension....

                            


Sometimes I wake up Grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep. "It’s all your fault!" The missus declared yesterday morning. "Flamin’hell! What have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she sez, "I've only just woken up!” I don't think she loves me anymore. I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and she replied: “A Widows Pension would be nice...”

                               


Can you help? I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark and yap a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll hop over next door's fence and get it for you.

                                      



Whilst still on the subject of canines, my Olde English Sheep Dog only understands commands like: sit ye, walkest thou and comest though hither. Fascinating!



Calling all American folk! Did you miss the solar eclipse in the USA? Well worry ye not! Just come to the United Kingdom and watch the sun disappear between June and September!





The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she opined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of blokes slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting."

                                              


My dentist informed me today that I should have a crown. Finally, someone who appreciates me! I asked him what he would recommend for yellow teeth. He suggested a brown tie...



Thought for Thursday: If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent, rates or food bills for the next ten years, whether you are successful or not.



Fascinating Factoid: A mere century ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. Incredible!


                                    



Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                             



Thursday, 24 August 2017

Gubbins to Ponder....


                             

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether you are successful or not.
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?





* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?





* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?





* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?





* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?





* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.





* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty





- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".





- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.





- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.





- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.





- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.





- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.





- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.





- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.





- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

(It does fall on a Tuesday)-

                      



Wednesday, 23 August 2017

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe....


1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng


2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

                               



Friday, 18 August 2017

The Crazy Folk....

                            


 The missus was watching telly and declared: “Oh no! Not another dystopian drama set in an apocalyptic future!” I sez to her: “It’s News at Ten!” Then the newscaster announces "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The wife starts sobbing "That's appalling! So many men dying that way!" Confused, I asked her: "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes and after wiping the tears from her eyes, the missus declared: "Exactly just how many is a Brazilian?"

I suffered a flat tyre in Stalybridge last week. This stupid bloke came up while I was changing it and asked me: “Have you got a flat tyre?” I sez: “No, not at all. I was driving along and suddenly the other three just swelled up!”


Whilst languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, Barmy Albert was regaling me with copious anecdotes. He told me that his dad bought his first car from the notorious Kray twins! I sez: "What Reg?" Albert replied: “No, Ronnie I think..."


Thought for Thursday: If you do not have a TV licence then you can be sent to prison, where you can watch TV all day, every day without having a TV licence.


Have you ever committed a faux pas? I once asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done. Well, if looks could kill!

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . .. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"


I gave my ID over to the bank clerk and she declared: “Gee Whiz! You’ve aged a bit since this photo was taken!” I sez: “Yeah, I have. I had it taken just before I joined the queue here in your bank!”


I had similar problems when I decided to visit a local night club in Staley Vegas last weekend. The doorman pronounced: “You can’t come in, you look like you’ve had a few too many!” I sez: “Do you mean drinks?” He replied: “No. I meant birthdays!”


Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you're having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work